We Fall For Lucas’s Banana In The Tailpipe

That rat bastard. That swindler. Is nothing sacred? How about a little honesty with your fans, you no-necked has-been. What’s got me so upset? George Lucas is releasing the original Star Wars Trilogy on DVD. The original, unaltered, non-Special-Edition, Han Shoots First, original trilogy, once referred to as the Immaculate Trilogy. The one thing fans have wanted since the DVD medium was introduced, he’s finally going to deliver. So why am I so upset?

That bastard damned near swore on a bible that he’d never release the original unaltered trilogy. The party line was that the Special Edition was his true vision for the original trilogy and would henceforth be the only true version.

Now, I’m only mentioning this because, well, it’s true: I own what I considered to be the last untainted version of Star Wars. It was a full trilogy boxed set, VHS widescreen with remastered Dolby 2.0 sound. I actually thought I’d lost it until I was at my friend’s house a year or two ago and saw it. I remarked that I used to have a copy like that to which he informed me that that was my copy. Happy, I retrieved it and celebrated having a copy of Star Wars with good sound and, more importantly, Han shooting Greedo. The original didn’t turn Mos Eisley into a Jawa comedy scene. The original didn’t turn Jabba’s palace into a premiere Tatooine jazz club. It had an ewok song that echoes fondly in my heart, despite the cutesy scene of Wicket the Fuckwit, Leia cocaines-a-helluva-drug Organa and Han ‘Mr.Sarcastic’ Solo hugging. — One day I’ll regale you with why I hate Return of the Jedi so much, but not now. —

Technically, those are my only complaints about the Special Editions. I like ‘em actually. With the except the wacky antics on Tatooine, most every other “Special Edition” change was, well, special. Which is what pisses me off even more.

I only bought that god damned Special Edition because I knew there was no way I’d ever own a great quality copy of the original. I put in my VHS tapes a year ago to show a Star Wars virgin some of the changes and was shocked, shocked I say, at the contrast in quality between the Special Edition DVDs and the VHS (Very Hazy Shitvision) versions. I only bought it because you said I could never have the original! You bastard! You moved the headstones but you left the body, didnj’ya! You only moved the headstones! Bleaaeae!

I have to buy this new trilogy when it comes out (limited time only, September 12th through December!). I really don’t have a choice. I was burned time and time again by the hope and expectations of the prequels – burned so badly that at first viewing I actually enjoyed them, until a few days later I’d think back in review and realize: WTF WAS I THINKING?! (Although, I’m still a pretty big fan of Revenge of the Sith, as long as you fast forward through any scene with Padme talking.)

That bastard.

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‘We Fall’? You might wanna change that to ‘Q Falls,’ my friend. I fell for nothing! I know that shitbox Lucas did this on purpose so everyone would give up and buy the altered DVDs first, and then have to come back and buy these two years later. Well, you can burn in hell, George Lucas! I did not fall for your scheme! Neither did our newest writer and my very dear friend, Mrs. X. We knew the score. In your arrogance, you told us that if we wanted to watch the unaltered versions we’d just have to suck it up and do so on VHS. And in our defiance, we did. We did not buy your bullshit DVDs. Our VCRs work just fine, thank you very much, you lowlife cocksucking swinewhore. We vowed that we would NEVER buy the original trilogy until it was available unaltered, and we have kept those vows. Now it will come to pass, that, in the season of the birth of The Christ Child, in the year of our Lord two-thousand and six, we, Chris and Mrs. X of the Sci-Fi Guys, shall watch Han shoot first on DVD! Screw you, Lucas! WE WIN! Of course, they’ll probably be charging $50 for each of these movies and they’ll be in such limited quanitities that I’ll never even see one, but, still – WE WIN!! FUCK YOU!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

Mrs. X

HAHAHAHA I completely agree with Chris. Screw you Lucas yes I will buy the DVDs this time around, but guess what buddy you ain’t gettin my money twice. I never bought the other piece of crap DVDs you put out so HA! And yes I have no problem hiding behind a computer and calling you out as the CHEAP ASS COCK WALLET that you are!


Read it again, Q: we show no hate for the Special Editions. I LIKED them. Especially Jedi ’cause they got rid of that fucking Ewok song at the end. What we hate is not being able to watch the originals on DVD. What we hate even more is Lucas and his casual ‘fuck you if you don’t like it’ attitude towards the die-hard fans; the very people that made him rich and famous. I always intended to buy the Special Editions, IF, and ONLY IF, the originals were available also. If not, then no dice.

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