Truly Outrageous

I’m watching Jem for the first time in my life, and it does NOT disappoint. Join me for a stream of consciousness, as-I-watch review, won’t you?

For those of you not in the know, with a pair of micro-projector earrings and the words “Showtime, Synergy!,” musician Jerrica Benton’s supercomputer uses holograms to transform her into Jem, the pink haired singer of the band The Holograms.

You read that correctly. Jem has a supercomputer running a self-aware AI named Synergy which controls 3D hologram projectors and what appear to be military grade lasers, and she uses this technology for stage lighting and playing dress up. Which, if I’m being honest, I would probably do as well. But why doesn’t Jerrica just tell Rio she’s really Jem? I haven’t watched this series from the beginning so maybe they’ve already covered this, but I don’t see why there is a secret identity involved in all of this. I’m missing pieces to this puzzle.

I don’t like it when shows normalize men behaving like this, and I dislike it even more when they normalize women accepting it. Fuck this bullshit. Unstable men do not deserve your patience.

The dynamic between Jerrica/Jem and Rio feels unhealthy. He’s a pissy little man-boy, and I’m getting the sense that she loves drama. I think she chose him because she knows there will be friction and the relationship can’t work. In fact, based on Rio’s clothes and tantrums, I’m getting a blip on the old gaydar. This show was really ahead of its time.

The lead singer of The Misfits is named Pizzazz. If it weren’t for the green hair she’d look dead like Peggy Bundy. She’s flying around the city in a hang glider blowing shit up with a laser pistol. You know, like rock stars do.

Christ Almighty, this Pizzazz chick is a total bitch. She appears to have a manservant/slave named Techrat, who sounds like the love child of Igor and Cobra Commander. He invents things like fully functional laser pistols for her and she seems to hate him in return and break his stuff. This show is dark.

I’m starting to question all this fuss about Jem. Kimber, the Holograms’ keyboard player, is far more interesting. Also, I presume from Kimber’s appearance that the showrunners and animators were men. Kimber is the obligatory teen hottie of the bunch. Big pink hair, great ass, and make-up like a Thundercat. I bet she’s a tornado in the sack.

Speaking of male animators, The Misfits are WAY hotter than Jem and The Holograms. I don’t think this is an accident. Not Pizzazz so much, but the other two. The white haired one is built and really pretty, but the Misfit called Stormer is the sexiest one on the whole show. Dark blue 80s hair, supermodel face, beauty mark, full red lips, Victoria’s Secret body, tiny black miniskirt, fishnets, and she’s wearing day-glo war paint. Plus she’s voiced by Susan Blu. I think I’m in love. Why isn’t SHE the star of the show? In case you’re wondering if you’re reading a 36 year old man yammer on about which 1980s cartoon rock star he’d most like to bang, the answer is “yes, that is exactly what you are reading.”

Again, this is no accident. The bad girls of the series were sexualized. God forbid we don’t yet again associate chastity with morality. Gotta make sure these young girls get the point.

2021 UPDATE: A little research finds that Stormer and Kimber we paired up as a temporary duet, which makes me think I was on to something with these two being purposefully drawn as the series hotties. In the modern comic adaptation they are now a lesbian couple. Who play for rival enemy rock bands. Because logic doesn’t matter as long as we can sexualize them in any way possible.

So while I was typing, Jem just kissed a dolphin and it turned into a mermaid in a sea shell bikini, then almost got eaten by a killer whale. Many times. She and The Holograms floundered (see what I did there?) uselessly and whined until they were saved by Rio’s bitchy ass and a random team of dolphins. That blows! Even in their own show the girls don’t get to be the heroes? Bullshit! What a gyp.

BTW, it all turned out okay before when Pizzazz was laser blasting the city in her death glider. Jem touched her earring and had Synergy create a hologram of a 100 foot eagle to scare the living shit out of Pizzazz, causing the hateful bitch to lose control of her glider and plummet 50 stories to what I can only presume to be a quick and extraordinarily messy death. So no worries.

And Jem has just hired a choreographer named… Danse. Brilliant.

If you watched G.I. Joe or The Transformers, you’re going to recognize some of the voices in Jem. No surprise, since it was produced by the same animation studio at the behest of the same copyright holder (Hasbro), and used the same voice director. Hell, even the title and credits sequence texts look the same, right down to the blocky white font. And check this out: Ford Kinder and Anne Bryant, who wrote the theme to my beloved Transformers, both do voices in Jem and wrote all the songs for The Holograms and The Misfits. I’ll be damned. Who knew?

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quentin

I can honestly say that I’ve only seen the intro to that show in nearly three decades. This sounds like an awesome way to spend the evening, assuming that alcohol is involved.

quentin

We need to make a drinking game out of this.

Rule #1: anytime you utter “oh what the fuck!?” you take a shot. We will call this game Blindness.

quentin

Nice fuckin’ model! honk honk

jon

This thread is truly outrageous.