The New Spider-Man Looks…

“Like The Worst OB/GYN Appointment Ever”? “Like A Kazakhstani Strip Club”? “Inferior”? “Overdone”? Yeah, but not quite there yet. Wait, I know: “LIKE A BAG OF ASS”. That’s it. The new Spider-Man movie looks LIKE A GIANT BAG OF ASS.

Starring Ray Charles as Dirty-Crotch Spider-Man

As usual, you can click any of these Spidey pics to make them larger.

Go get ’em, tiger.

Why is Spider-Man wearing a shiny metallic costume from the Ice Capades? Perhaps he’s trying to impress his new gay lover, whom he is embracing with all four limbs in no less than three of the eight pictures from the set of the new film. Seriously, these guys are clearly about to make out. This could only be more homoerotic if ponytail up there was played by John Travolta and he had Parker’s peter in his mouth.

To be fair, though, they do look like they’re in love.

This is reported to be a reboot, but since most reporters and news agencies seem to have no idea what the fuck that term actually means, there’s no real way to tell until we watch the movie. The extensively redesigned Spidey suit leads me to think it really is a fresh start to the series. And why not? All the previous Spider-Man films did was bring in very nearly $2.5 BILLION, cementing all three films in the trilogy in the list of the 35 highest grossing films ever made, which allowed for hundreds of millions of additional dollars in merchandising and tie-in sales. With a track record like that, why wouldn’t you just scrap the entire series and start over with an unknown lead actor and an unproven director who has only done one other feature film in his whole career? Makes sense to me.

At least as much sense as this picture makes.

Grammar note: I wasn’t using the word “gay” earlier like the kids do these days, those damn disrespectful punks with their interweb text phones and their loud rock ‘n roll music. I didn’t type “gay” when I really meant “stupid” or “lame” or “uncool.” When I said the new Spidey looked gay as hell, I meant that he literally looks 100% homosexual. Not just because the new Spidey suit looks painted on, and not just because it’s made out of blue and red lamé. It’s also because this time around Spider-Man has been outfitted with pretty silver slippers.

When Dazzler realizes Spidey stole her best flip-flops, there is going to be SUCH a bitch fight.

In case seeing Spider-Man necklacing a random bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2 didn’t make you hate this movie enough already, Sally Field is playing Aunt May. Sally fuckin’ Field. Hey, Chris, you mean the same Sally Field who blubbers and whispers and cries and wistfully mourns her way through every clichéd “tragic” drama with a cloying, pedantic, would-be uplifting ending she’s ever been in? The same Sally Field who played Gidget and The Flying Nun? Yep, that’s the one.

Two time Academy Award winner for Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role.

Apparently the story of The Amazing Spider-Man, as it is to be called, is as follows: Peter Parker’s parents were killed when he is young, so he is adopted by his Aunt may and Uncle Ben (maker of fine rice and rice-based products) who raise him as their own. As a high school student, Peter is a nerd and is bullied by a kid named Flash. He has two crushes: Mary Jane Watson and Gwen Stacey. One day he is bitten by a radioactive spider, and the radioactive toxin alters his body, giving him spider powers. He gets a spider suit and becomes Spider-Man, the friendly neighborhood superhero. He must learn to balance his love life, private life, and superhero life while maintaining his secret identity. Stan Lee makes a cameo.

HOLY SHIT, IT’S A BRAND NEW MOVIE! That’s nothing at all like the first Spider-Man film. It’s totally fresh and unique. Thank little glow in the dark Baby Jesus above that this origin story is being told YET AGAIN, so that, on the off chance there is some carbon based lifeform somewhere in the universe which has not already been exposed to it, that pitiful creature may bear witness to its glory. THANK YOU, SONY!

“Seriously, why is my crotch so dirty?”

And thus the problems begin. I don’t know what sort of high school student you were, Constant Reader, but I was not rich. I did not possess the resources to construct, purchase, maintain nor repair an outfit of this complexity, particularly one which would almost certainly have to be custom made. And no matter how rich I might have been, I am fairly certain I could never have afforded the one thing which would be most costly to a superhero: the silence of those involved in the costume’s creation. How would an average high school student get this kind of material, have it sewn into such a complex pattern, and have NO ONE – not a friend or parent, not a fabric shop clerk, not a costumer – put two and two together to figure out his secret identity?

“Heavy metal forever, man! WOOOO!!”

But that’s only the start of the problems. As you can see above, Spider-Man seems to be going back to his old mechanical webslingers. Ugh… bad, bad move.

James Cameron’s script for Spider-Man was the first to introduce the idea that Spidey’s webslingers were organic spinnerets. It’s not such a far fetched idea that spinnerets may be found at the ends of limbs instead of on the torso; the zebra tarantula spins silk from it’s feet. There is at least precedence in the arachnid family for such a thing to be conceivable. It’s also the only realistic way Peter Parker would be able to spin webs as a high school student. Sorry, purists, but Stan Lee’s story just doesn’t make any sense at all.

Consider: if manufacturing a costume would have placed his identity in jeopardy, imagine the level of unlikelihood of Peter Parker inventing this astounding new webbing fluid, designing and testing his “webslinger” webbing delivery system, and constructing at least two working models for use as a superhero. All without extraordinary resources at his disposal. All without a soul finding out about his abilities or his web experiments. No, sir, I’m not buying it. Bringing back the webslingers and web fluid is a bad idea.

“What, what, Spider-butt…”

Here’s another bad idea: those shoes. I hate to sound like a total bitch on the rag, but someone needs to be straight with him, girlfriend. These might look great in the mirror at Fashion Bug, but they are not meant for the active modern woman on the go. Those low, tight straps from his pretty Disney Princess shoes are going to make his heels bleed by the time he’s done with just one dance with that nice gentleman above. Get yourself some running shoes, sweetie. Hey, wait a minute. Fashion Bug. Now THAT is an interesting idea for a superhero…

Sad-Pants Spider-Man, Music Box Ballerina Spider-Man, and Stroke Victim Spider-Man each sold separately. Only from Mattel!

Taste it. Taste my salty, throbbing justice.

Colors by ToyBiz, pose and articulation by McFarlane Toys.

Yeah, I feel ya. None of us are comfortable looking at that.

“Now I’ve… had… the time of my life…”

The costume as it looks best: obscured by darkness.

“Dude, seriously, why the fuck is your crotch so dirty?!”

I’m sick of talking about these pics. Judge for yourself. Let me know what you think.

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Until this man is cast as spider man, I will not even pay attention. When they get this guy, I’ll be in the front row.


sorry, it’s off topic but this was too good not to share:

Predator: The Musical

“If it bleeds we can kill it!”


Looking at Spidey’s costume, only one word comes to mind: “FABULOUS!”

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