TALES FROM NEWPORT!

Tonight’s episode: “The Church Ladies”

For the last half hour, two portly white trash women (I had to look to confirm gender) have been screaming at each other at the top of their lungs, just across the street. These classy ladies use the word ‘fuck’ more than I do. Did I mention they’re screaming right next to a church full of people? This could get very interesting…

They’re at the “Come’n git it! Come’n git it!” phase of the confrontation. Shouldn’t be long now…

Holy damn… ASTOUNDINGLY hot church brunette just came out of the church’s side door “to smoke.” She could be a model. Fuck, she should be a model. My quotes around “to smoke” is not a reference to her unbelievable sexiness, although it sure as hell could be. The quotes are there to indicate she was only outside long enough to light up, check out the action, then get on her phone. Pretty sure the cigarette was just an excuse to exit and call 911. The cops have surely been notified, which will ruin my fun utterly. Church hottie is hanging around just inside the glass door, presumably waiting for 5-0 to arrive. This is why I don’t dig church girls; no matter how beautiful they are, it seems they only live to block cock. What a shame.

And that exquisite woman in the picture above? Church hottie was even prettier. Not joking.

This woman is 150,000% more appealing than either of the jabbering howler monkeys involved in this altercation, but you get the gist.

For the sake of transparency, I don’t technically live in Newport anymore. This is taking place in a little suburb of Newport. But this has a definite Newportesque vibe to it. I think they may be Newport refugees. You can just smell the Newport coming off of this situation.

I was in my house watching through the window from across the street and I could still hear everything perfectly. It was LOUD. I still don’t know what started it. That must have been the quiet before the screaming storm. By the time it got loud it was all “What the fuckin’ fuck do you want me to fuckin’ do?!” and “You know whatchu fuckin’ done! You done fuckin’ did it!” There was no context, only fury and vulgarity. Reason and purpose had been burned away in the crucible of anger. Only hostility remained. It was a very pure experience, in an odd way.

This has been another chilling episode of…

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