TALES FROM NEWPORT!

Tonight’s episode: “Gasholes”

Dear troglodytes at the Newport Kroger gas station: it’s only gasoline. It’s not special. It’s not even on fucking sale. Do you think they’re going to run out? Maybe you don’t know this, but gasoline is not hard to get. Our country has a specialized infrastructure in place to help ensure that you can buy yourself a big wet assload of gasoline, in your choice of octane, pretty much anywhere, at any time of day. So why the ever loving FUCK are you dickbags jockeying for positions around the pumps like wildebeests around the summer’s last mudhole? It’s fucking gasoline. They’re not rationing it for the war effort. Did you bring your gas stamps? You gonna do your part to help beat the Kaiser? No. Because you are buying gasoline in Kentucky, and you’re acting like the one inch of snow we’re about to get is the fucking End Times. You live in northern Kentucky, assholes, you goddamn well know that one inch of snow is nothing. Nothing! We don’t even stop wearing shorts for one inch of snow, you cowardly fucking lemmings. What are you, Ohioans? You’re from Kentucky. Fucking act like it.

This has been another angry episode of…

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