Halloween 2022: Oct. 9ᵗʰ – Friday The 13ᵗʰ (2009)

October 9th was the night of this October’s full moon, which was this year’s Hunter’s Moon. And I could think of no better way to celebrate than with the ultimate hunter of teenage victims, Jason Voorhees. Come on in and take a look at 2009’s Friday The 13th!

Let’s do this thing.

Every movie is better with popcorn, and Popcornopolis Pumpkin Spice Popcorn is EXCELLENT. Not only have I never tried pumpkin spice popcorn, I’ve never even heard of this company. Popcorn is cheap, so at $5 a bag, I nearly passed it up. Do you get $5 worth of popcorn in this weird cellophane cone? Not remotely. But I’m not just judging the price, I’m judging the flavor. And this stuff brings it. The pumpkin spice is ever present, but not overpowering, and the sweetness of the white chocolate drizzle is perfectly balanced by the saltiness of the popcorn. This is one of the best new – to me, anyway – pumpkin spice products I’ve tasted in years. I give Popcornopolis Pumpkin Spice Popcorn a 9 out of 10. Absolutely mouthwatering.

It would be unfair to say this is a bad movie. It would also be grossly inaccurate to say it’s a good one. What it most certainly is is confusing. Somehow the filmmakers have managed to put in every single thing that makes a movie a Friday The 13th movie, but somehow none of it is ever scary.

Like most people of my age, I grew up well versed in the lore of late ’70s and early ’80s horror. I may not have been allowed to see the movies in question, but we all knew someone who did, and we all relished the stories. So I doubt I’m dropping a spoiler when I tell you that the entire first Friday The 13th movie back in 1980 told the story of a killing spree carried out by Jason Voorhees’s mother. That was a big plot twist that was revealed at the end of the film, where it made an impact. In this remake, that killing spree is condensed down to what would fit in while the opening credits roll. It’s all told up front, as if it will somehow tie into later events. It doesn’t. It has no real bearing on anything in the movie. I don’t really understand why they filmed it.

Oh, and in case you’re like me and think your eyes are playing tricks on you, Mrs. Voorhees really is played by Nana Visitor, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine‘s Kira Nerys. I was fooled by her vocals into thinking this wasn’t actually her. For some reason her voice was dubbed by Kathleen Garrett, also a veteran of DS9. The voice may be Vulcan, but the handing holding the axe is all Bajoran.

That doesn’t look very Jason-like, does it? Before this reboot, Jason didn’t get his hockey mask until the third movie. Before that he wore a cloth sack over his head. That’s what this is supposed to be, although in this overexposed still and even more so in the movie, it looks like he’s wearing mummy wrappings. Later he would find a hockey mask in the most unlikeliest of places and use that instead.

And there we have the underlying problem with this movie. The pointless credit scenes with Mrs. Voorhees, the inexplicable switch from a cloth bag to hockey mask… this felt less like a new movie and more like a tribute to Jason’s greatest hits. A reboot is a chance to take the elements that work and get rid of the dead weight. Instead, the filmmakers gave us a Cliff’s Notes rehash of the original Friday The 13th franchise. Why? Unclear. But the result is a movie that has no real life of its own, never once felt scary, and at multiple times lost my interest entirely. I had to repeatedly remind myself to keep watching so I could write this review.

The full moon behind partial cloud cover, as it appeared in Florence, KY at roughly 6 AM.

I won’t bore you with further details. If you really want to be bored, then watch this movie. As nicely as it was filmed, and as many lovely topless actresses as they give us, it just wasn’t good. I give 2009’s Friday The 13th a 5 out of 10. Sorry, folks, even the world’s tastiest popcorn couldn’t salvage this one. It’s just not worth your time.

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