Halloween 2022: Oct. 7ᵗʰ – The Ring

That’s right, I had never seen The Ring before today. And I already know I’m going to take a lot of crap for what I’m about to say. Get your pitchforks and torches ready, ’cause you’re not gonna like it. But here it is… The Ring is boring.

I thought this was supposed to scare me. Financially speaking, this movie was unbelievably successful. How? Was nothing else in theatres back in 2002? I took Ritalin right before I watched it, for Christ’s sake, and I could still barely pay attention to it. The acting was fine. The characters were fine. The movie was apparently lit by limelight and filmed with green gels over the lens, but it still looked kind of okay. The special effects were seamless. Seriously, they were top notch. But nothing happens. This movie had enough story to make a thoroughly excellent half hour episode of The Twilight Zone. That would have been amazing. But, like butter scraped over too much bread, as a feature length film it wore thin. Fast.

They wrote and filmed a really impressive ending, I will give them that. I’m not being facetious. Despite the fact that I wasn’t into the story at all, they actually did a wonderful job of wrapping things up and answering most of the lingering questions. It felt like I was watching it for about a month before that happened, but the ending was surprisingly well done. She was out of the well, the seven day thing was explained, God’s in his heaven, all’s right with the world. We can put a bow on it and call it a day, right? Nope! Because after the ending, inexplicably, the movie fails to actually end. It just… keeps… fucking… going…

By the time I finally saw credits I was so done with this movie that I just wanted everyone to die. The mom, the kid, the filmmakers, all their pets and loved ones, their extended families and all their coworkers, everyone. If the little dead girl had turned into Godzilla and wiped out the entire city, that would have made just as much sense as the actual final scenes of this movie. If the little dead girl had crawled out of my TV screen and killed me in real life, even that would have been more satisfying. At least I wouldn’t have had to watch any more.

I’m sure you’ve picked up on this by now, but I did not care for this movie. I expected to. I went into this with enthusiasm. But The Ring is just goddamned TEDIOUS. Its status as a modern horror classic is baffling. I cannot, in good conscience, recommend that you watch it. I give The Ring a 5 out of 10. There are a thousand better scary things you could enjoy. I suggest you choose one of them instead.

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