Halloween 2022: Oct. 21ˢᵗ – Halloween Candy

It’s hard to believe that in my forty-seven years on this planet I’m just now trying these candies for the first time. Come on in and share the cavities!

Okay, not trying to pull a fast one here. I have had Kinder Joys before. I just got this because it’s a Halloween version, which I didn’t know that Kinder did. I’m not rating this. I just want the toy.

I had Kinder Eggs back when they were foil wrapped, hollow chocolate eggs with toys inside. That version is far superior to this “Joy” version, in which they place a puddle of Nutella in a thin plastic egg, then seal it in with what tastes like an equal mixture of sugar, Crisco, and candle wax. It’s gross and I don’t understand it. And the little mini Ferrero Rocher balls they put in don’t really help matters. It’s all just excessively sweet and massively uninteresting.

The Halloween toy I got is this little glow in the dark vampire. It’s not a particularly fun toy. No moving parts. No special gimmicks. But it makes a nice little desk decoration, so I’m happy with it.

I always thought SweeTarts were just an inferior version of Smarties. I didn’t realize they had branched out to form a brand. That being said, I’ve seen these around for a couple of years, but I’ve never tried them until now.

Pretty standard flavors. An odd little shape, but that’s no problem. Let’s see how they taste.

Eww. Eww, eww, eww. When you first bite into these, they’re okay. But soon, no matter the flavor you started out with, the act of chewing morphs them into a chalky, acidic powder that coats my tongue and makes me start coughing. And, worst of all, they quickly taste bad. Like the aftertaste of some bizarre medicine. Who thought these were a good idea? Nasty. 4 out of 10.

I swear, I thought Jujyfruits were a fictional candy made up by the writers of Seinfeld. That’s the only time I’ve ever heard them referenced in pop culture, and I don’t remember ever seeing them before in my life. When I spotted these while standing in line at the pharmacy, I just stood there, staring like a moron. I couldn’t believe they were real.

Four delicious flavors, plus anise. Why? For the love of god, why? They already look like grape. Just make them grape. That would have been so good. Why the hell would you ruin this mix with black licorice?

I separated all the anise ones and deposited them directly in the trash where black licorice belongs. The rest of the flavors are delicious, but the texture of the candy needs work. The interior of these candies is so sticky that I had to scrape these things off my teeth. That would normally be a fail, but the fruit flavors are so good that I’m giving them a 6 out of 10.

Back in the day, Kool-Aid renamed itself Ghoul-Aid for the Halloween season and released a blackberry drink mix which may be the finest flavor they have ever produced. This isn’t it.

While this raspberry flavor is good, it isn’t really worthy of the name Ghoul-Aid. That stuff was fantastic. That said, this stuff is WAY more carbonated than old school Pop Rocks. This stuff practically sizzles. I like it. 7 out of 10.

There are a lot of football themed candies out now. It’s a weird trend, and it has resulted in some weird candy. And it doesn’t get any weirder than this.

The fruit punch is good. The vanilla ice cream is okay. The popcorn is acceptable. But just in case you missed the other options, Brach’s now makes hot dog and hamburger candy corns. Since those are the interesting ones, those are the ones I’ll rate.

Jesus fucking Christ. The y don’t taste like hamburgers nor hot dogs. They don’t taste like food. I cannot identify this flavor, I can only describe it. It’s vile. It’s vomitous. I literally could not force myself to chew them long enough to swallow them. It’s impossible to tell which one is supposed to be the hamburger and which is the hot dog. They don’t taste like anything edible. Absolutely fucking disgusting. 1 out of 10. I don’t think I’ve never tasted anything quite this bad before.

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