Halloween 2022: Oct. 16ᵗʰ – Hot Wheels Slime + Cars

So I was running out of ideas for this day’s new Halloween experience, when I spotted these. Every year Hot Wheels releases a special batch of Halloween cars, but these aren’t them. The slime, however, could be just the thing to push this into Halloween territory. I rolled the dice and bought some. Click the pic to see if my gamble paid off.

Notice how they increased the size of the word slime? I took this to mean that there would be significant slime in these things. But they weren’t heavy enough, so my assumption was that it would be powder I’d need to mix with water to make slime at home. The reality was more… concerning.

The back of the bag promised a roughly fifty-fifty chance of get something that might be Halloweenish. Possibly. At this point I wasn’t feeling hopeful. But then I glanced down and saw these:

Sitting right underneath the Hot Wheels/Matchbox/Chinese knockoff cars, there was a nearly empty carboard tray with two skulls in it. Two slime filled skulls. Ah, so today was going to be a slime day! Slime + Cars is a crap shoot, but Slime + Skulls is definitely Halloween. So be it!

Goofy Gooey slime isn’t bad. I wish they would have painted the eyes a different color for the red slime packaging, but It’s thin and more jiggly than most slime, which makes it perfect for sliming unworthy toys. But the real test would have to wait until I got home.

Slime Pit tested, Slime Pit approved! Goofy Gooey slime, you can be my wingman anytime. Okay, so now that we’ve tested our backup slime, let’s tear into these cars.

Out of the nine Slime + Cars blind bags I bought, there were six that I considered Halloweeny enough to keep. I gifted the rest to Mark’s kids so they could fight over them, and steal from each other, and break them, and whine, and cry, and all around drive Mark even closer to the edge of parental madness.

This car is one of the “pull-back rally cars,” as the Hot Wheels people refer to them. It doesn’t use the green launch key, that’s just there to prop the car up for a better angle. This one was close to going to the kids, but then I noticed the skull. It’s not much. But I was desperate for article fodder, and, like I said before, slime + skulls = Halloween. This one got to stay.

I got two of this silver fuel truck. I can’t tell if that’s supposed to be a skull or an alien, but the more I look at it, the more I believe they intended that picture to be an alien skull. Whatever. It’s Halloween enough for me.

The “flick cars” have springs inside. You insert the key which compresses the spring, then hit the button to send the car flying. They actually travel surprisingly well. But be advised that, despite the Hot Wheels branding, these things are made of cheap plastic. They aren’t going to stand up to much abuse. Two out of the three of Mark’s kids got flick cars and by the time I left the key were getting a little harder to operate. These are cool, but not built to last.

This one got to stay because it looks like a hazmat suit. It also reminds me of the scream canisters from Monsters, Inc. and the floatation barrels from Jaws.

I don’t know what kind of car this is, but it’s painted like they intended it to be a Halloween toy. And I was lucky enough to get two of them! These are keepers, no question.

I guess we should address the “slime.” Every car comes packaged with a little pouch of translucent, whitish goo. Each of these… specimens comes sealed in thick plastic, like tiny vacuum seal bags. Inside is a whitish fluid that looks disturbingly reproductive.

I don’t know who in the hell decided this was a good idea, but they need to have a LONG chat with Mattel’s Human Resources department. The color and the weirdly specific amount of each… sample is troubling. I mean, just look at it. Comparisons will be drawn.

Okay, this is semen, isn’t it? I was tricked into playing with semen. It’s thick. Too thick to be useful as slime. It feels concentrated. I’m almost certain I am holding jizz in my hands. That’s barely acceptable to me when it’s my own, but the fact that I got this with a toy car is just gross. No parent is going to watch their child play with this and not get horribly uncomfortable. Why, Mattel? Just, why?

I picked these up at Dollar Tree, which also sells regular Hot Wheels, Matchbox cars (also owned by Mattel), and Hot Wheels tracks, loops, ramps, curves, and launchers. So I decided to see how well these perform on regular Hot Wheels tracks. And they answer is that they don’t. The pull-back motors are useless, and the flick car springs only have enough power to send them to the top of the loop, where they immediately plummet to the track below. And since both styles of cars are made from cheap plastic, using the track launcher sends them flying halfway across the room before they even get to the loop.

Even if we ignore the slime, there are a lot of unanswered questions here. Why are the keys shaped like acoustic guitars and not like, oh, I don’t know, car keys, maybe? Hell, they could have molded them in white plastic and made skulls out of them. Not that I don’t appreciate a nice zombie green. especially this time of year. It’s not the color. It’s the shape I don’t get.

Are these good toys? The pull-backs aren’t. Judging by Mark’s kids’ reactions, if it doesn’t launch off of a key it isn’t worth a single damn. The flick cars, on the other hand, were worth fighting over. Are these decent Halloween toys? Barely. But Mattel will have the chance to make it up to us later. This won’t be the last we hear of Hot Wheels this Halloween.

I feel like I at least got my money’s worth out of the slime skulls. he were just spooky enough to call them a Halloween win. And I even found a use for the white Hot Wheels splooge.

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