Halloween 2022: Oct. 10ᵗʰ – Pumpkin Everything

This spooky ghost cake was just about the only thing I ate this day that didn’t contain a large, orange gourd. I hope you like pumpkin spice foods, ’cause we’re gonna talk about ’em. A lot.

Yes, this is real. No, I couldn’t find any. Yes. I have the sad.

Do I really need to write an intro for this? I’m gonna eat a lot of pumpkin spice stuff and tell you how I feel about it. But before we get to the new stuff, quick recap:

Oct 1st – Pumpkin Pie Kit Kat

I actually didn’t review these during my exposition of the glories of Morgan’s Comics, because I promised something new each day, and I’m not positive I haven’t had these before. But they’re good. I expected an overwhelming punch of spice, but these are surprisingly mellow. I’d eat these again anytime. I give Pumpkin Pie Kit Kat a 7 out of 10.

Oct. 2nd – Coffee mate Pumpkin Spice Liquid Coffee Creamer

I’m far too lazy to write a new review, so here’s the Cliff’s Notes version of what I said the first time: …if you’re going to flavor your coffee during the pumpkin spice season, believe me when I say USE THIS STUFF. It is fantastic. I give Coffee mate® Pumpkin Spice Liquid Coffee Creamer an 8 out of 10. Delicious!

During my disastrous Roll For Burger experiment I used Little Debbie Pumpkin Delights as my bread. What I didn’t tell you at the time is that my trinity of must-have Halloween foods are as follows: at least one full size Reese’s Peanut Butter Pumpkin to be eaten on Halloween day, Kroger glazed pumpkin donuts at least once during the month of October, and enough Pumpkin Delights to last me through until the next Halloween. Usually that means thirteen boxes: three to be eaten during the Halloween through New Year holidays, and ten boxes – which I keep in a metal cabinet away from light, heat, and moisture – to last me until they reappear on grocer’s shelves the next year. Of these three magical treats, Pumpkin Delights are by far the most personally significant.

Pumpkin jelly is nigh impossible to find, but pumpkin jelly included as a featured ingredient in a mass produced cookie? Unheard of. And irreplaceable. Although they are anything but new to me, I give Little Debbie Pumpkin Delights a 9.5 out of 10. Hands down my favorite Halloween treat of all time.

Oct. 3rd – Mel-O-Cream Glazed Pumpkin Mel-O-Bites

Again, I’m not going to rehash the whole story, but I give Mel-O-Cream Glazed Pumpkin Mel-O-Bites a solid 8 out of 10.

Oct. 9th – Popcornopolis Pumpkin Spice Popcorn

Last up in our recap is this entry from my Friday The 13th review. I give Popcornopolis Pumpkin Spice Popcorn a 9 out of 10. Mouthwatering!

Okay, enough of the old. Let’s get to the new!

Pumpkin Spice Moon Pie Minis

I don’t like Moon Pies. The flavor is wonderful, but they are so dry I can barely tolerate chewing them. I was hoping the mini versions would have a more favorable marshmallow to cookie flavored desiccant ratio, but no.

They’re roughly one slider in diameter, and half a slider in height. I dig non-standard units.

Losing chocolate in favor of pumpkin spice coating is actually a better taste than the original, so I’m going to let these pass. But just barely. If you want to be able to swallow, eat these with a tall beverage. It’s the only way.

I give Pumpkin Spice Moon Pie Minis a 6 out of 10.

Powdered Pumpkin Puffs

These were just okay. They were sweet, and smelled faintly of pumpkin pie. They didn’t make a big impression, as evidenced by the fact that I forgot to take a picture of the individual puffs or the filling. They were unremarkable, but a nice little pop of sweetness. I’ll give Powdered Pumpkin Puffs a 6 out of 10.

Krunchy Melts Pumpkin Spice Meringues

Jesus Christ, don’t eat these. The package looked so nice, and I’d never heard of pumpkin spice meringues. I was so excited to find something new. I’ve only had meringues a few times, and while the feel of them scraping against my teeth is worse than nails on a chalkboard, the flavors have always been great. Right up until now, that is.

The awful fossilized styrofoam texture of meringues is present here, which means that, except their appearance, Krunchy Melts pumpkin spice meringues do not share a single characteristic in common with actual food. Nothing. They didn’t smell like anything except faint, sun bleached dust. It melted in my mouth like a meringue, which was a problem, because it was tasteless before it began to dissolve. But then… god damn. The flavor is like nothing I have ever tasted before. No pumpkin. No spices. Nothing that tastes even faintly digestible. Just a mildly musty, cardboardy, stale poison flavor. If the Addams family mansion had a taste, this would be it. And that is not a compliment. These things are fucking gross. Their only redeeming quality is that they did not make me gag. A rating of 1 means I threw up. A rating of 2 means I gagged, but contained it. So I give nasty ass Krunchy Melts Pumpkin Spice Meringues a 2.5 out of 10. Begrudgingly. It’s probably more than they deserve.

Tate’s Bake Shop Pumpkin Spice Cookies With White Chocolate Chips

These were okay. Nothing to write home about, but good enough to write about on this website. They are overbaked. There is a distinct, nutty, browned butter doneness to them that borders on being burnt. You can see the white chocolate chips, but you cannot taste them. But still, not bad. They are not just crisp, they are outright crunchy, which makes them great for dipping. They were good in coffee, but I suspect they would be even better with cold milk or hot tea. I give Tate’s Bake Shop Pumpkin Spice Cookies With White Chocolate Chips a 7 out of 10. If I was craving some Halloween sweets, I’d probably buy these again.

Nonni’s Dark Chocolate Pumpkin Biscotti

Nope. Nope, nope. The biscotti itself is fine. The dark chocolate tastes fine. The pairing of the two DOES NOT WORK. Pumpkin and chocolate get along in small doses. Pumpkin chocolate chip cookies only work when the chips are milk chocolate minis. Anything more than that and the flavors clash. I have yet to taste a dark chocolate pumpkin combination that doesn’t taste like burnt ass. It’s like mixing crème brûlée and fish tacos. Individually they’re great. But I can’t imagine you’d want them in the same bite. Stop mixing pumpkin and dark chocolate. IT DOES NOT WORK. I give Nonni’s Dark Chocolate Pumpkin Biscotti a 4 out of 10.

Nonni’s Pumpkin Spice Biscotti

Now this is more like it! Same pumpkin biscuit, brand new cinnamon icing. These are fantastic! These are the biscotti you’re looking for. I give Nonni’s Pumpkin Spice Biscotti an easy 8 out of 10. And they’re even better with coffee!

McDonald’s McCafé Pumpkin Spice Latte

Speaking of coffee, this wasn’t too bad. Since pumpkin spice latte looks like any other cup of coffee, I won’t bore you by posting a picture of it. Instead I stole this lovely professional photograph that I’m sure cost McDonalds a lot of money. Who’s laughing now, clown?

Like I said, not bad. Not great, either, but not because of the flavor. It just tasted like coffee. Yeah, there was a hint of pumpkin spice, but only a hint. Maybe more of a vague suggestion, whispered from across a noisy room. It’s fucking faint is what I’m saying. I understand not wanting to go too far. Team Pumpkin Spice has some pretty strong players on it’s roster, and it can easily overpower other flavors. But McDonald’s pulled back a little too much on this one. I ordered a pumpkin spice latte. What I got was a cup of coffee with creamer. A perfectly fine cup of coffee, but not what I wanted. Still, I give McDonald’s McCafé Pumpkin Spice Latte a 6 out of 10. It was better than nothing.

Werther’s Original Pumpkin Spice Soft Caramels

The idea of pumpkin spice and caramel together sounds pretty nasty to me. I was for sure this was going to be a massive fail. Then I noticed they were soft caramels. So nasty AND gooey. I almost put them back on the shelf.

Which would have been a massive mistake. These are wonderful! I don’t recall having Werther’s soft caramels before, but when they say soft they mean it. Even cold these maintain a creamy texture. And I have never been so happy to be wrong about a food: pumpkin spice and caramel work marvelously together. I’ll give Werther’s Original Pumpkin Spice Soft Caramels an 8 out of 10. These little bastards are totally welcome in my candy bag.

Stauffer’s Pumpkin Spice Snaps

OH MY GOD. Remember when I said pumpkin spice popcorn was the best new pumpkin spice product I’ve had in years? Well, that was true for exactly one day, up until the moment I tasted these. If you suspect that I’ve saved the best for last, you’re correct, because these things are EXCEPTIONAL.

I love ginger. And unless they’re made too thick to painlessly bite through, I love ginger snaps. Whoever decided that it was okay to make a cookie spicy was a damned genius. So I was concerned that these, missing that pleasantly aromatic ginger burn, would be diminished by the broader flavor profile of pumpkin pie spice blend. I was entirely wrong. If anything, these snaps are better. They are mellow. They are perfectly sweetened. They are EXACTLY the Halloween treat I needed. If you only try one new thing off this list this Halloween season, make it these. I give Stauffer’s Pumpkin Spice Snaps a 9 out of 10.

See you at the pumpkin patch!

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