Gluten. I rebuke thee!

It may shock those of you who know me well that I would find myself in a church on a Sunday afternoon. What’s even more shocking is the revelation that apparently not even Jesus can save your ass from gluten.

He is risen. For He is truly the Bun Of God. He giveth us this day our daily bread. Thy leavenedly kingdom come. Dough unto others as you would have them dough unto you. For thine is the kingdom, and the flour, and the glory, for ever. Amen.

People have asked if I really saw this in a church because they think I’m just setting myself up for making jokes. But this is a 100% real sign I saw in a Catholic church this Sunday. I couldn’t believe it. Unless they believe Jesus was somehow made of 0.01% gluten, they are basically admitting transubstantiation is bullshit.

I’m not picking on Catholics specifically, because the longer I am removed from religious ideology, the more all religious ceremonies seem creepy and psychologically damaging. But I’ve never seen a church want to avoid a potential lawsuit so badly that they would post a sign that belies one of their core tenets. This particular church seems to think that the power of God works on everything except gluten. I guess God’s powers are like Superman’s x-ray vision: it works on everything except one specific substance. God’s power is almighty and undeniable, unless you have a really crisp cracker or a particularly toothsome flatbread.

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