Gary Busey reviews everything

Star TrekCellYear OneHaloHalo 2From A Buick 8. I got one word for ya – I REVIEW ‘EM ALL! That’s right, kids, Uncle Gary’s gonna give you more sci-fi reviews than my first wife had crotch warts. Yeah, doggy! Let’s get on up in that!

There was a time, long before my motorcycle accident rearranged significant potions of my skeletal system and made me realize the power of the Lord resides IN ME!, that my Friday nights were spent cornholing illegals and drinking whiskey from the old broken may-nase jar I keep in my toilet tank. But these days thanks to FAITH (Fantastic Adventures In Trusting Him) I am clear headed enough to sit down and write an article or two for The Sci-Fi Boys web blog. AND IT FEELS REAL REAL!

So I saw the new Star Track movie. Hot damn, that sexy colored girl looks just like my second wife, except she ain’t Korean and she had all her fingers. But, boy howdy, that brought back some memories. PRAISE THE LORD! Overall I liked it good enough, but there is something I got to say about the new Captain Kirk.

He ain’t.

There, it’s been said. Oh, don’t get me wrong, all them kids did good enough and they did what they set out to do, but Captain Kirk is Bill Shatner. Period. Bill and I go back a ways and I can tell you a story to illustrate my point.

“Great things like this only happen for the first time once.

It was back in 1979 and Bill and I were at the wrap party for the first Star Tracks movie. I was between wives then and Bill and I were sharing a tight little Filipino whore who didn’t mind a little back door fisting action, if you catch my French. I was was about halfway through my first 8-ball of the night when I look up and see ol’ Billy Shatner over in the corner fingerbanging Betty White.

You have to understand that was another place and another time. It wasn’t as if they were doing anything wrong. It’s just that if you were at a Paramount wrap party in the late 70s there was like a 90% chance that at some point you were going to end up fingerbanging Betty White. We all knew it and we kept it classy. Hell, even my boy Jake has had a go at that and she’s his rightfully baptized godmother. It weren’t a big deal back then. Betty White is a woman with needs, and we all just accepted it as a part of the job.

Well, Bill’s arm is shakin’ and jerkin’ like Marty McFly – I’m terrible! – and outta nowhere I see Bea Arthur on her knees gobbling on Bill’s John Thomas like a Thanksgiving turkey. You should of seen that woman go! This was before Betty and Bea were on that show together, and I didn’t know they knew each other. Heck fire, I didn’t even know she was at that party. But PRAISE THE LORD ALMIGHTY! they got acquainted fast!

Bea’s not with us anymore and I don’t want to tell secrets on the dead, but I don’t think I’m giving too much away when I tell you that it was pretty well known that Bea Arthur was the best lay the town of Los Angeles had seen since the the late great Mamie Van Doren’s pussy dried up in the spring of ’76. Spit ain’t the same as natural v-juice (no matter what Mamie tries to sell ya) so Bea Arthur became the queen of the LA scene. What was not so well known was that she was packing both boy and girl down there parts, and she had a 9¾-inch piece of meat that was as big around as a Chinaman’s waist.

Well I look down to watch the money shot – Bill is a bit of a showboat and always finishes on their face, God love him – and Bea’s big ol’ tenderloin is standing up straight and hard as a four-foot fence post. Like I said, back then Bea was the queen, so she waited until Bill’s yogurt cannon was good and empty, cleaned her face up a bit, then she grabbed his hips and spun him around like a strawberry picker in front of a piñata. All she said to him was “My turn.”

At that point most men would have caused a scene and maybe caused the girl some embarrassment. But Bill Shatner is not most men. He’s a class act. Bea Arthur was a LADY and The Shat is a A GENTLEMAN. He looked at me as if to say “Oh, well – fair’s fair” and then he took that big old flesh rod in his tight Canuck poop chute without so much as a word of complaint. THAT is what it means to be professional. Do you think that the new kid from the new movie would take one in the ass out of a sense of dignified professionalism and his desire to be courteous and gentlemanly to a fine woman of note and grace? I don’t think so. And that’s why Bill Shatner will always be Captain Kirk.

So, long story short, Star Track was pretty good.

Your imagination is the hood ornament on your car of creativity.

Been reading some Stephen King. Read Cell and From A Buick 8Cell was pretty good, but not his best effort. About people that get turned into zombies by a strange cell phone signal. It was alright but everyone knows zombies are enemies of the human race, and as such they need love. It`s good for everyone to understand that they are to love their enemies, simply because your enemies show you things about yourself you need to change. So in actuality enemies are friends in reverse. Love is the only way to cure a zombie. It’s pretty straightforward logic if you’re willing to expand your mind and see it. THE LORD WORKS THROUGH ME LIKE AN ENERGIZER BATTERY!

Cell might not have been his greatest book, but From A Buick 8 was like really good Stephen King from the late 70s. Back when he was on coke and could really get his s— in gear. It’s like Christine, except for it’s a different kind of car, there’s no ghost haunting it, the main characters are Pennsylvania state police instead of a teenage boy, and the story’s all completely different. But we all know Stephen King + car = Christine, so don’t try to pull any fast one’s over on old Papa Busey. It’s like Christine.

I haven’t read the first seven From A Buicks. Hell, I never even heard of the series until I saw this one. The little pimple faced pudwhacker down at the book store said they didn’t have any of the other’ns, but if they’re anywhere as good as this one then I gotta read ’em! Them monsters were f’ing CRAZY. He is still the master of fear.

You know what FEAR stands for? It stands for ‘False Evidence Appearing Real.’ It’s the darkroom where Satan develops his negatives. Giddy-up!

Year One. Total failure. What a waste of time. Jack Black needs to take a lesson from my old Grandpappy Busey. Grandpappy would start the day off by hunting squirrels for breakfast, but one day he decided that instead of squirrels he’d eat some boar’s bacon. Unfortunately Grandpappy used to use his own dried feces as projectiles when hunting, and although a hunk of dry turd will stun a squirrel if you get a good throw and hit him square in the head, all it does is piss off a boar and make them chase you till you fall down and they gnaw on you for a while until the doctors have no choice but to lose both your legs just below the knee. Grandpappy learned an important lesson that day, and he told it to me. “Garrison,” he would tell me, “never dip lower than you can dip.” And that’s a fact. You know what FAILING stands for? It stands for ‘Finding An Important Lesson, Inviting Needed Growth.’ And you can count them beans all the way to the pot. Hallylewja!

Been playing a buttload of video games. They got them a ex-Box down at the lobby of the headshrink where the government says I have to go get my pills. Some of them games is downright retarded and I fear for the youth of this nation and the sanctity of our homes and the future of the human race on this big, blue planet if kids keep playing corrupt crap like that. What the hell kind of game is Grand Theft Auto? Sounds like a bunch of inner-city street gang hooligan crap to me. CLEANSE THIS WORLD IN A SCOURGE OF FIRE!

But there are some goodun’s. Started up that machine and it made a weird noise like a robot farting. I laughed so hard I wee’d in my pants and had to go change my Depend. Then I played some of that Halo. It was good. Damn good. Halo 2 was pretty sweet too, but they made Master Chief into a pussy by taking all of his hit points away and only giving him the shield. God damn political correct assholes taking necessary things away from our troops. It’s bullshoot.

I mean imagine the peace symbol. The peace symbol has three pieces in it. One piece is emotion, that’s your body. Another piece has spirit in it, that’s your fuel. Another piece has intellect in it and that’s your steering wheel. You can never overdo the fuel that goes into the body, which is the emotions and the steering wheel to drive it. You can’t take pieces out. It’ll void your insurance and your warranty and the dealer won’t fix it. Plain and simple. Should have kept the hit points. Other than that, though, not too shabby.

Nap time. Busey out!

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quentin

W T F ?

Elfie

Ok… Can someone translate this for those under 25?

dan

How about a translation for those of us over 25?

chris

Visited Mark and PopRox last night and watched the version of Taken that was released in the US and Canada. What a bunch of shit. They reshot and re-edited it, apparently to get a PG-13 rating. One of the most intense scenes in the film, the electrocution/interrogation, was watered down and chopped up very badly. In the original film they show Liam Neeson’s character stab the Albanian in the knees with gutter nails, then use the nails as electrodes to torture the guy. In the pussified PG-13 version, they cut out a lot of the scene altogether, and showed the battery cable clamps being attached to the metal chair he was tied to. In addition, it seems to me that a lot of the fight scenes were cut down by removing frames that showed killing, and instead showed the motion of killing, then a dead body. It made the entire film seem like it was cut for television. Badly. Fucking weak.

Part of the impact of the film in its original form was watching the way this man went from a loving, gentle father to a incredibly lethal badass who would mercilessly kill anyone who stood between him and his daughter. Weakening the brutality of the film weakens the entire point of the film, that this man was not a monster, but made a choice to be monstrous in order to protect his child from other monstrous people. Monsters don’t play nice, and neither should this film. The original version showed that in a most impressive way. Watering that down was an incredibly poor and disappointing choice.

Do yourself a favor and avoid the kid-friendly version. It’s not nearly as good. Find the original. Download it illegally if you have to. It’s totally worth it.

dan

Behold the power of money. Not only does is castrate great films like Taken, but allows shit like this to happen:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32626135/ns/business-media_biz/

Pow! Disney to buy Marvel for $4 billion
Spider-Man to team up with Mickey as company acquires 5,000 characters

The Associated Press
updated 9:39 a.m. ET, Mon., Aug 31, 2009

LOS ANGELES – The Walt Disney Co. said Monday it is acquiring Marvel Entertainment Inc. for $4 billion in cash and stock, bringing characters like Iron Man and Spider-Man into the family of Mickey Mouse and WALL-E.

Under the deal, Disney will acquire ownership of 5,000 Marvel characters. Many of them, including favorites such as the Fantastic Four and the X-Men, were co-created by the comic book legend Stan Lee.

Disney said Marvel shareholders will receive $30 per share in cash, plus 0.745 Disney shares for every Marvel share they own. That values each Marvel share at $50 based on Friday’s closing stock prices.

Marvel shares jumped $10.09, or 26 percent, to $48.74 in trading before the market opened. Disney shares fell 70 cents, or 2.6 percent, to $26.14.

Disney said the boards of both companies have approved the transaction, but it will require an antitrust review and the approval of Marvel shareholders.

Disney CEO Robert Iger said the acquisition combines Marvel’s “strong global brand and world-renowned library of characters” with Disney’s “unparalleled global portfolio of entertainment properties” and ability to maximize value across multiple platforms and territories.

FUCK YOU MARVEL! You just lost any lingering respect I had for you.

dan

That’s what the comic book industry needs. More control by Hollywood. Jesus fucking tap dancing Christ.

http://scifiwire.com/2009/09/warner-to-take-a-stronger.php

Warner to take a stronger hand at newly revamped DC Entertainment

A week after Disney announced that it was buying Marvel, Warner Brothers is poised to take a larger hand in running DC Comics, which is rebooting itself as DC Entertainment, Variety reported.

DC, home of Superman, Batman and the Green Lantern, will now be run by Warner Brothers vet Diane Nelson, who has overseen the Harry Potter franchise for the studio and managed Warner Premiere, which produces original direct-to-DVD movies, including several based on DC’s more iconic heroes, the trade paper reported:

“It’s no secret that DC has a myriad of rich and untapped possibilities from its deep library of iconic and lesser-known characters,” said Alan Horn, Warner Bros. Entertainment prexy and chief operating officer. “The formation of DC Entertainment will help us bring more DC properties across additional platforms to fans around the world.”

As part of the move, Paul Levitz will step down as president and publisher of DC Comics and segue into a new post as writer, contributing editor and consultant to DC Entertainment.

It’s well known in Hollywood that while Marvel properties have been turned into movie powerhouses, DC characters have had a more mixed record: The Dark Knight soared, while Superman Returns faltered and such projects as a proposed Justice League movie and films based on the Flash and Green Lantern have languished in development.

dan

I remain HIGHLY skeptical:

http://scifiwire.com/2009/09/d23-5-good-signs-about-th.php

D23: 5 good signs about the Disney-Marvel merger

News of Disney’s acquisition of Marvel might have inspired nightmares of a Mickey vs. Hulk spinoff or out-of-work actors dressing as Wolverine for the Electrical Parade. But Walt Disney Co. president and CEO Bob Iger put those worries to rest when he spoke about his company’s acquisition of Marvel studios today at the D23 Expo in Anaheim, Calif.

In his opening address at the first annual Disney fan convention, Iger’s brief Marvel-related comments offered promise for the merger of the two behemoths. At a press conference later in the afternoon, Iger expanded on Disney’s plans for Marvel and respect for the legacy they’ve already established.

1) Marvel stays Marvel. Paying homage to “The Mouse”‘s tendency to water down material for its family audience, Iger addressed the big worry. “There will be no Disneyfication of Marvel,” he said in a press conference. He added that Marvel will continue to work independently. “We plan to keep Marvel as an entity and to respect both the talent that is there, working as one, and also respect what Marvel is and what the essence of Marvel is.”

2) It’s all about story and character. Twice in his address, Iger referred to the characters and storytelling in the Marvel universe. Later, he added that the studio behind Captain Jack Sparrow and Donald Duck recognizes good fictional talent when they see it. “It’s a business we’re very familiar with,” Iger said. “Well-known characters and weird stories and a product that transcends gender and age and geographic territories.”

3) For now, no Tony Stark’s Haunted Mansion. During his morning address, Iger touted the possibilities of Disney’s global resources to expand and tie in with Marvel. Later, he specified that Disney will respect previous Marvel deals. For example, Universal theme parks currently run Marvel-themed rides. Also, studios like Fox and Sony still distribute franchises like X-Men and Spider-Man, respectively. “There are also some legacy agreements that Marvel has in a variety of ways, to the theme park with Universal, to the distribution of the live-action films,” Iger said. “So until some of these things work their course, or until we get a better sense when the deal closes, there isn’t much planning that can be done until we reach an agreement.”

4) Pixar is paving the way for Marvel. Remember when Disney thought they could do without Pixar? They were going to make their own version of Toy Story 3 and everything. Then they realized that only Pixar is Pixar. Well, same with Marvel. Iger even brought in John Lasseter to help him make the case to Marvel. “There is a whole culture attached that was a huge part of their success, and I didn’t want to do anything that messed with that culture,” Iger said. “I had John Lasseter [talk to Marvel] with me and then without me, so that he could talk to them more about Disney. He gave them some perspective on that, and it was very positive.”

5) As Hannah Montana says, “It’s the best of both worlds.” Rather than harp on potential conflicts, edgy subtext vs. lucrative merchandising, etc., Iger focused on the potential for pooling Marvel and Disney resources. They already travel the same ground in creating story and characters for movies, television, literature and more. “When you look at it as a part of the Walt Disney Co., the presence of Marvel is virtually in everything that we’re in,” Iger said. “You can expect that over time, that’s what you will see. We became impressed with the talent of Marvel as we got to know them better.”

chris

Actually, this might be a really good thing for DC comics. I do not at all like the direction DC has gone in since 52 and Final Crisis. Literally hundreds of heroes and villains killed off in the lamest ways, new minority-friendly characters replacing established characters just because they were white, and, my biggest complaint, Bruce Wayne supposedly buried in an unmarked grave next to his parents while Dick Grayson is the new, more lighthearted, fun loving Batman, and Robin’s role is taken over by Damian Wayne, Bruce Wayne’s previously unknown illegitimate son who was grown in a lab and is a murderous, violent assassin. Seriously. What the fuck? DC is turning into some fucking ridiculous amalgam of Marvel and Image, two publishers I have come to loathe. Since Jenette Kahn left, things at that company have steadily declined. Warner Premiere has done some amazing work, and if this Diane Nelson chick can get things back on track, I’m all for it.

dan

You’re right. That whole Batman thing is fucked up. I also forgot about the PC movement going on in their “universe”. I redact my previous exclamatory.

mark

September 26, 2009 – Ohio Renaissance Festival

SCI-FI GUYS DAY! Be there!

(it’s unofficial….don’t be asking the staff to identify us)

chris

Mark has spoken! September 26th it is!

quentin

Bastards! Why couldn’t you say October 3rd. I’m requesting that day off of work to go!

chris

This year I granted Mark the power of Supreme Overlord Of Ren-Faire Scheduling. I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do. Mine hands are bound, noble squire! Huzzah!

quentin

Bunk I say. He picked the date less than 24 hours ago. Surely there’s time to reschedule to push it back one week.

dan

I second QBall’s request. I WAS available on the 26th but a sudden last minute change in plans has made my attendance impossible.

mark

This had me rolling…Rivendale in the house!

Elfie

Very funny mark. In the spirit of giving you random funny videos, i present this. God I hope M. Night doesn’t fuck the movie up…

dan
dan

A little Predator update:

http://scifiwire.com/2009/09/first-look-at-robert-rodr.php

First look at Robert Rodriguez’s bloody, violent Predators

We’re as interested as you are in any info about the plot of next summer’s Robert Rodriguez-scripted Predators reboot. Today we got some tidbits from our friends at the Latino Review, who got a chance to read a 90-page script dated July 12, 2009 and shared some of that insider info with the rest of us.

The draft is a “bloody, violent, Hard-R script” that pits a team of seven kidnapped humans against Predators on the aliens’ home planet. Reportedly, the team of seven are:

-Royce, a Steve McQueen type
-Cuchillo, a Mexican enforcer for a drug cartel who has twin uzis strapped to his back
-Nikolai, a bear of a Russian armed with a four-barrel gas-powered rotary machine gun
-Isabelle, a French woman armed with a sniper rifle
-Stans, a San Quentin prisoner with a shaved head, armed with a prison-made knife
-Mombasa, an African member of the Sierra Leone death squad
-Hanzo, a Yakuza enforcer
-Edwin, an unassuming man who was formerly on the FBI’s most-wanted list.

We can’t want to see them in action on the screen next year, but until then, check out Latino Review for more details.

chris

This new Predator movie sounds so fucking bad. I predict Edwin will do all kinds of crazy killin’ and Isabelle will be unbelievably hot with great tits. Probably played by Rose McGowan. There will, at some point, be a close up of her eye as she aims the sniper rifle to take an important shot. She will have a crush on Royce. At some point Cuchillo will reach over his head with crossed arms and draw both Uzis at once while making a ridiculous war face, then yell as he shoots them. Because Mombasa is black he will be portrayed as a victim of his own society who, while a muderous bad ass, will be sympathetic and surprisingly moral. He will probably sacrifice himself to save others, just like real raping, murdering African death squad members do all the time in real life. Ten bucks says he carries a machete. Hanzo will have a sword, or at least a blade of some kind, and will be well dressed. Ten more bucks says he has a code of honor which comes into play at some point in the film. At the end of the movie, someone will join the Predator society after proving how bad ass they are. There will be lots of slo-mo and probably plenty of bad ass explosions. The movie will be color “corrected” with either a yellow or blue filter throughout nearly the entire film to make it look more bad ass. It will be made entirely of shots we’ve seen before in other, better movies. I think this is a horrible, horrible idea.

Here’s some characters they forgot to include:
– a Native American or Australian aborinige, tribe unimportant, who is spiritual and in touch with nature and who also happens to be a bad ass
– a streetwise hooker with hidden nurturing instincts, urban survival skills and a heart of gold and who also happens to be a bad ass
– an American white guy who actually has a history and description and who also happens to be a bad ass
– a woman who actually has a history and description and who also happens to be a bad ass
– an unsympathetic black criminal who is unapologetic about being a black criminal, who rapes, kills and steals throughout the movie and who also happens to be a bad ass
– a legitimate member of society such as a soldier, SWAT team member or professional martial artist who is not a criminal or unsavory character, but who also happens to be a bad ass
– a Russian, German, or Nordic character who is not a giant but who also happens to be a bad ass

dan

I think you nailed it Chris. Thanks! Now I don’t have to waste my money 🙂

I fearlessly predict this movie will make zero logical sense, a la Transformers 2.

My money is on Edwin really being a plant for the Aliens, hoping to strike at the Predator homeworld in an attempt to avenge their 10 thousand years of oppression. He and the others will somehow escapes into the wilderness where a Queen Alien will burst from his chest, eat everyone, and begin laying eggs. Faces huggers will emerge, impregnating every creature within a 1000 square miles. With her army in tow, the Queen will then launch an assault on the capital city. Millions will die, prompting the eldest predator to activate the planetary self destruct device. Everything is destroyed. Fade to black.

dan

I love her:

chris

Oh my fucking god, I am in love with her. Thank you, Dan, for bringing that video into our lives.

dan

I mean it. I love her:

dan

Happy Friday!

Elfie

Did anyone see Stargate: Universe on fri?

chris

Elfie, I missed it. Did you catch it? If so, let us know how it was. I was hesitant when I heard about it, but the preview didn’t look too bad.

Last edited 15 hours ago by chris
Elfie

It was pretty good.

It all pretty much boils down to mixing Battlestar Galactica and Star Trek: Voyager, adding a splash of Lost in Space and smearing it on a plate shaped like Stargate.

Part 3 of the premiere is on SyFy fri @ 9.

pts. 1 and 2 are on hulu now.

chris

“Brody is a man who ends up inheriting the mantle of leader and is known as a hunter of men. Grace would play an accountant-type whose unassuming facade masks a dangerous serial killer. Braga is the tough female killer. Ali is a man not afraid to die, Goggins is the loose cannon of the group and Taktarov is a former Russian special ops agent. Trejo, already cast, is Cuchillo, a hardened warrior with twin Uzis strapped to his back.”

If you are very quiet and you listen very hard, you can almost hear the sound of a movie sucking from the future.

dan

I’ll reserve further judgement until a more definitive plot surfaces. Things are looking pretty weak though.

chris

Halloween articles start tomorrow!

Random Artwork Wednesday

Keith Richards as Captain Edward Teague, Keeper of the Pirate Codex

Keith Richards as Captain Edward Teague, Keeper of the Pirate Codex

Keith Richards as Captain Edward Teague, Keeper of the Pirate Codex

Keith Richards as Captain Edward Teague, Keeper of the Pirate Codex

Keith Richards as Captain Edward Teague, Keeper of the Pirate Codex

Keith Richards as Captain Edward Teague, Keeper of the Pirate Codex

Keith Richards as Captain Edward Teague, Keeper of the Pirate Codex