Gary Busey reviews everything

Star Trek. Cell. Year One. Halo. Halo 2. From A Buick 8. I got one word for ya – I REVIEW ‘EM ALL! That’s right, kids, Uncle Gary’s gonna give you more sci-fi reviews than my first wife had crotch warts. Yeah, doggy! Let’s get on up in that!

There was a time, long before my motorcycle accident rearranged significant potions of my skeletal system and made me realize the power of the Lord resides IN ME!, that my Friday nights were spent cornholing illegals and drinking whiskey from the old broken may-nase jar I keep in my toilet tank. But these days thanks to FAITH (Fantastic Adventures In Trusting Him) I am clear headed enough to sit down and write an article or two for The Sci-Fi Boys web blog. AND IT FEELS REAL REAL!

So I saw the new Star Track movie. Hot damn, that sexy colored girl looks just like my second wife, except she ain’t Korean and she had all her fingers. But, boy howdy, that brought back some memories. PRAISE THE LORD! Overall I liked it good enough, but there is something I got to say about the new Captain Kirk.

He ain’t.

There, it’s been said. Oh, don’t get me wrong, all them kids did good enough and they did what they set out to do, but Captain Kirk is Bill Shatner. Period. Bill and I go back a ways and I can tell you a story to illustrate my point.

“Great things like this only happen for the first time once.“

It was back in 1979 and Bill and I were at the wrap party for the first Star Tracks movie. I was between wives then and Bill and I were sharing a tight little Filipino whore who didn’t mind a little back door fisting action, if you catch my French. I was was about halfway through my first 8-ball of the night when I look up and see ol’ Billy Shatner over in the corner fingerbanging Betty White.

You have to understand that was another place and another time. It wasn’t as if they were doing anything wrong. It’s just that if you were at a Paramount wrap party in the late 70s there was like a 90% chance that at some point you were going to end up fingerbanging Betty White. We all knew it and we kept it classy. Hell, even my boy Jake has had a go at that and she’s his rightfully baptized godmother. It weren’t a big deal back then. Betty White is a woman with needs, and we all just accepted it as a part of the job.

Well, Bill’s arm is shakin’ and jerkin’ like Marty McFly – I’m terrible! – and outta nowhere I see Bea Arthur on her knees gobbling on Bill’s John Thomas like a Thanksgiving turkey. You should of seen that woman go! This was before Betty and Bea were on that show together, and I didn’t know they knew each other. Heck fire, I didn’t even know she was at that party. But PRAISE THE LORD ALMIGHTY! they got acquainted fast!

Bea’s not with us anymore and I don’t want to tell secrets on the dead, but I don’t think I’m giving too much away when I tell you that it was pretty well known that Bea Arthur was the best lay the town of Los Angeles had seen since the the late great Mamie Van Doren’s pussy dried up in the spring of ’76. Spit ain’t the same as natural v-juice (no matter what Mamie tries to sell ya) so Bea Arthur became the queen of the LA scene. What was not so well known was that she was packing both boy and girl down there parts, and she had a 9¾-inch piece of meat that was as big around as a Chinaman’s waist.

Well I look down to watch the money shot – Bill is a bit of a showboat and always finishes on their face, God love him – and Bea’s big ol’ tenderloin is standing up straight and hard as a four-foot fence post. Like I said, back then Bea was the queen, so she waited until Bill’s yogurt cannon was good and empty, cleaned her face up a bit, then she grabbed his hips and spun him around like a strawberry picker in front of a piñata. All she said to him was “My turn.”

At that point most men would have caused a scene and maybe caused the girl some embarrassment. But Bill Shatner is not most men. He’s a class act. Bea Arthur was a LADY and The Shat is a A GENTLEMAN. He looked at me as if to say “Oh, well – fair’s fair” and then he took that big old flesh rod in his tight Canuck poop chute without so much as a word of complaint. THAT is what it means to be professional. Do you think that the new kid from the new movie would take one in the ass out of a sense of dignified professionalism and his desire to be courteous and gentlemanly to a fine woman of note and grace? I don’t think so. And that’s why Bill Shatner will always be Captain Kirk.

So, long story short, Star Track was pretty good.

“Your imagination is the hood ornament on your car of creativity.“

Been reading some Stephen King. Read Cell and From A Buick 8. Cell was pretty good, but not his best effort. About people that get turned into zombies by a strange cell phone signal. It was alright but everyone knows zombies are enemies of the human race, and as such they need love. It`s good for everyone to understand that they are to love their enemies, simply because your enemies show you things about yourself you need to change. So in actuality enemies are friends in reverse. Love is the only way to cure a zombie. It’s pretty straightforward logic if you’re willing to expand your mind and see it. THE LORD WORKS THROUGH ME LIKE AN ENERGIZER BATTERY!

Cell might not have been his greatest book, but From A Buick 8 was like really good Stephen King from the late 70s. Back when he was on coke and could really get his s— in gear. It’s like Christine, except for it’s a different kind of car, there’s no ghost haunting it, the main characters are Pennsylvania state police instead of a teenage boy, and the story’s all completely different. But we all know Stephen King + car = Christine, so don’t try to pull any fast one’s over on old Papa Busey. It’s like Christine.

I haven’t read the first seven From A Buicks. Hell, I never even heard of the series until I saw this one. The little pimple faced pudwhacker down at the book store said they didn’t have any of the other’ns, but if they’re anywhere as good as this one then I gotta read ’em! Them monsters were f’ing CRAZY. He is still the master of fear.

“You know what FEAR stands for? It stands for ‘False Evidence Appearing Real.’ It’s the darkroom where Satan develops his negatives. Giddy-up!“

Year One. Total failure. What a waste of time. Jack Black needs to take a lesson from my old Grandpappy Busey. Grandpappy would start the day off by hunting squirrels for breakfast, but one day he decided that instead of squirrels he’d eat some boar’s bacon. Unfortunately Grandpappy used to use his own dried feces as projectiles when hunting, and although a hunk of dry turd will stun a squirrel if you get a good throw and hit him square in the head, all it does is piss off a boar and make them chase you till you fall down and they gnaw on you for a while until the doctors have no choice but to lose both your legs just below the knee. Grandpappy learned an important lesson that day, and he told it to me. “Garrison,” he would tell me, “never dip lower than you can dip.” And that’s a fact. You know what FAILING stands for? It stands for ‘Finding An Important Lesson, Inviting Needed Growth.’ And you can count them beans all the way to the pot. Hallylewja!

Been playing a buttload of video games. They got them a ex-Box down at the lobby of the headshrink where the government says I have to go get my pills. Some of them games is downright retarded and I fear for the youth of this nation and the sanctity of our homes and the future of the human race on this big, blue planet if kids keep playing corrupt crap like that. What the hell kind of game is Grand Theft Auto? Sounds like a bunch of inner-city street gang hooligan crap to me. CLEANSE THIS WORLD IN A SCOURGE OF FIRE!

But there are some goodun’s. Started up that machine and it made a weird noise like a robot farting. I laughed so hard I wee’d in my pants and had to go change my Depend. Then I played some of that Halo. It was good. Damn good. Halo 2 was pretty sweet too, but they made Master Chief into a pussy by taking all of his hit points away and only giving him the shield. God damn political correct assholes taking necessary things away from our troops. It’s bullshoot.

I mean imagine the peace symbol. The peace symbol has three pieces in it. One piece is emotion, that’s your body. Another piece has spirit in it, that’s your fuel. Another piece has intellect in it and that’s your steering wheel. You can never overdo the fuel that goes into the body, which is the emotions and the steering wheel to drive it. You can’t take pieces out. It’ll void your insurance and your warranty and the dealer won’t fix it. Plain and simple. Should have kept the hit points. Other than that, though, not too shabby.

Nap time. Busey out!

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quentin

2009 08 22 1:57 pm

W T F ?

Elfie

2009 08 23 7:47 pm

Ok… Can someone translate this for those under 25?

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