Just finished these, so if I’m dead anytime soon, you all know why. It was a brand new tin, or so I thought. I took it out of my kitchen cabinet and took the shrink wrap off of it the Friday before the Super Bowl. I wondered why the flavor was so mellow. It was an improvement, actually, so I assumed Altoids had done some R&D. No, turns out I’ve just had these things laying around for fourteen fucking years.

The one on the bottom is an actual new tin. The ones I just finished even look old fashioned by comparison. I may need to contact a poison control center. I’ve been sick and stuffed up, and have therefore been mouth-breathing. That’s not so good for the fresh breath. Plus, Altoids are super tasty. Sometimes I just want candy.

Just did the math. A tin of Altoids has an expiration date of about a year and a half. I don’t remember buying these, but my mom usually gives me some kind of minty stuff for Christmas to feed my peppermint sweet tooth. Smart money says I got these for Christmas in 2004. I’ve lived in FOUR HOUSES since 2004, including the one I lived in then. That means I have packed these fucking things up THREE TIMES and moved them with me, yet somehow forgot all about owning them. I don’t even remember putting them in my current kitchen, let alone any of the others. Also, I can’t believe I ate the whole tin before I noticed the expiration date. It is shocking that I’m still alive.

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