Drew Rosenhaus

So immediately after Santa delivers the toys, he sends Rudolph – who is a CHILD, by the way – back out into the horrible blizzard BY HIMSELF so he can eventually cross a vast desert and ride a time traveling whale to a dinosaur island to find the baby New Year, who has been abducted by an evil giant monster bird in an attempt to stop time and achieve immortality? Are you fucking kidding me?? He’s a baby reindeer with a light up nose, not the fucking X-Men! Santa Claus is a dick.

Also, after saving his fat ass, Santa not only made Rudolph work on Christmas, but made him work out of town in places where his life was in danger. That fat bastard needs a beatdown. What an asshole.

I’ve seen suggestions that the reindeer unionize, but I respectfully disagree. Rudolph needs to go free agent. Break away from Kringle and those eight dirt bag reindeer who held him down. Any number of the big holiday players would snatch him up in an instant. The Jews have been needing a big Hanukkah star for about 5000 years now. Rudolph The Hanukkah Reindeer? Any good PR man could make that work. And Rudolph could be rolling in some sweet holiday shekels. It’s a win-win.

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