Chris versus “Marvel versus DC,” Part Two!

The chills! The spills! The epic continuation of the comic book battle of the (last) century! And just like all your favorite cereals, this article has a prize inside!

WHO WILL WIN? YOU DECIDE!

If you’re just joining us, welcome to Part Two of my review of DC versus Marvel. Picking up where we left off…

ROUND 8: Storm vs. Wonder Woman
Victor: Storm

I don’t know, man, I go back and forth on this one. I’m not sure I’m 100% right, but I’m only on the second sentence of the second half of this review, and already I’m tired of writing this damn thing. So I’m gonna go ahead and call this one BULLSHIT.

Storm can control the weather, but I was never clear on how expansive her powers are. According to her Wikipedia article, she possesses atmokinesis – the ability to manipulate the weather on a planetary scale. She can generate electric fields, magnetic fields, high-density pressure fields, is highly intelligent and an able strategist and field commander. She also has minor telepathic defenses and creates indestructible “pressure domes” (?) that can cut through a mountain or withstand punches from super strong mutants. Well, damn, then, Storm is basically a weather goddess. You go, girl.

Wonder Woman, on the other hand, is the princess the Amazon warriors, and possesses powers granted to her by the Olympian gods. She has enhanced speed and reflexes, and is capable of supersonic flight. She possesses great wisdom and intelligence, and is the finest warrior ever born among the Amazons of Themyscira. She’s an expert with nearly every weapon ever made, specializing in the bow and the javelin. Her blessing from the goddess Artemis grants her the “Hunter’s Eye,” which gives her unity with the animal kingdom and the ability to tame wild beasts. She is also an accomplished strategist and tactician, and she had a shitload of magical weapons, mostly indestructible ones given to her by gods. Most importantly, she has superhuman strength, endurance, and her connection to Gaia allows her to heal extremely rapidly. In the past, she has stood her ground against both Superman and Captain Marvel with little problem, not solely because of her powers, but because, first and foremost, Wonder Woman is a soldier. I think if this story were well written, Wonder Woman would’ve handed old white eyes her ass. Diana is a combat veteran who was trained from birth to be a lethal and effective killing machine, possessive of a fighting prowess more overwhelming than any mortal soldier could ever possibly achieve, and THAT’S why I gotta call this one BULLSHIT.

Storm has all the powers of a weather god, but her body is all too human. Wonder Woman isn’t. Amazons are created by gods; her skin has the density of marble. What’s more, like Wolverine she can constantly heal herself at an incredible rate. Factor in her nigh indestructible divine armor and weapons, and, when all is said and done, there’s just nothing Storm can dish out that Dianna couldn’t take. Storm may wield the power of a god, but everything I’ve read tells me that she’s probably as fragile as normal human being. Wonder Woman, on the other hand, is literally a rock-hard trained soldier, who, unlike most of the other do-good DC heroes, WILL kill an enemy without remorse or hesitation if she decides the situation warrants it. She’s a fucking AMAZON. Storm would probably have knocked her around for a while, but WW should have come out on top, hands down. Like I said, BULLSHIT.

ROUND 9: Spider-Man vs. Superboy
Victor: Spider-Man

BULLSHIT.

Begun, this clone war has. Superboy was a clone of Superman, and the Spider-Man who fights here is Peter Parker’s clone Ben Reilly, who merely thought he was Parker and saw fit to bang Mary Jane and wear Spidey’s red tights whenever he liked. There’s a puerile, almost certainly misogynist joke somewhere there with the whole banging Mary Jane/redhead/tight thing, but I’ll be damned if I can work it out. If I do, I’ll drop it on you later, in person, ’cause I’m a creep who tracks the personal info of everyone who reads this site. That’s right, I’m talking about YOU, Linda. And I’ll be waiting for you at your house tonight. In your closet. In your underwear.

You’d think a clone of Superman would have some pretty astounding abilities and powers, and guess what… you’d be right. But Superboy was an imperfect clone. He was only half Kryptonian; the other half of his genetics came from Lex Luthor, who somehow snuck his DNA in there, I guess just to piss people off. What can I tell you, the guy’s a dick.

Anyway, Superboy’s powers are understandably a little different from Superman’s, but nonetheless potent as hell. It started out that all his powers were based on “tactile telekinesis” which means he could move shit around with his mind, but only if he was touching it. Sounds lame on paper, but if I could lift a bus over my head just by touching it with the end of my pinky finger, you’d hear no complaints from me. Later on, he dropped the ‘tactile’ and got full blown telekinesis, straight Dagobah style. He also had the full gamut of Superman-style Kryptonian powers: flight, invulnerability, super-strength, super-speed, super-hearing, x-ray, telescopic, and microscopic vision, and heat vision eye beams. His opponent was Spider-Man.

Spider-Man can stick to walls.

Okay, I’m oversimplifying, but do you see my point here? This is not a fair match in any way. It isn’t a fair match physically because Superboy should be able to mop the floor with Spider-Man in no time flat. It’s a ridiculous fight. It’s also ridiculous and unfair logically, in that Spider-Man, who is one of the most popular and successful superheroes ever, was going to win the vote and force the writers to come up with this contrived, nonsensical story – which is exactly what happened.

Spider-Man defeats Superboy by tricking him into flying headlong into an electrical junction box. Okay, not to be a dick here, but normal human beings in the real world have survived contact with these things. Why does it knock Superboy out? Why was electricity, high-voltage or otherwise, so harmful to a NEARLY INDESTRUCTIBLE PSYCHIC CLONE OF SUPERMAN? Oh, yeah, I remember why. ‘Cause it’s BULLSHIT.

You know, half of Spider-Man’s charm is that he’s exceptionally quick thinking, which has saved his ass far more times than those webslingers have, against opponents that should have easily killed him. So, as far fetched and implausible as it is, I’m not willing to say that there’s absolutely no way Peter Parker could defeat Superboy. As a matter of fact, I’d give Parker even money against this guy. But this wasn’t Peter Parker. This was a clone; some guy made to LOOK like Peter Parker. He didn’t have the quick wit that developed with experience. He didn’t have the know-how that came from years of dealing with much more powerful opponents. This was the new guy. And I’m NOT willing to imagine, not for one instant, that a temp with some stolen spandex and second-hand web shooters could defeat a being as powerful as Superboy. It’s stupid. And so is this fight.

But Ben’s 1996 Spidey costume looks pretty sweet. I’ll give him that.

So the score so far is:

CAPTAIN MARVEL vs THOR

AQUAMAN vs SUB-MARINER

THE FLASH vs QUICKSILVER

ROBIN vs JUBILEE

GREEN LANTERN vs SILVER SURFER

CATWOMAN vs ELEKTRA

LOBO vs WOLVERINE

Uh oh. That makes it:

DC – 3

MARVEL – 6

That’s it; DC has lost. Even if the last two DC champions win, the DC universe is doomed. Right? Why are these last two fights even being dealt with? What the point of all this? Is anyone still reading this? If you are, be the first to leave the word “CLUSTERFUCKERS” in all caps in the comments below you’ll receive a comic related prize. Nope, I’m not kidding.

ROUND 10: Superman vs. The Incredible Hulk
Victor: Superman

Damn! How awesome is that illustration?! That’s pure fucking SWEETNESS! Too bad it didn’t come from this series. Actually, it’s probably best I’m not using art from this series, because the illustrations of this fight were actually pretty weak. Weak, I say. That’s irony. ‘Cause both these guys are real strong, see? Get it?

Maybe it’s because I grew up seeing Lou Ferrigno snarling and roaring through green paint, but I have always thought of the Hulk as an incredibly powerful but monstrous hero, with an intriguing, moving, tragic story, and not a 10 foot tall brilliant scientist possessing godlike strength. The Hulk, for me, has always been your classic Frankenstein’s monster type of character. I’ve always loved the way you could take his story and place it anywhere in the timeline of science fiction, and, with a few minor adjustments, it would still seem right at home. Here’s a guy who’s been twisted and ravaged by the very science he sought to advance, and by becoming more monstrous, part of him is forced to become more human. It’s a classic science fiction plot, and a damn good story.

But, when all is said and done, underneath the gamma green and 6,000 pounds of muscle, the Hulk is still a human being. This fight supposedly gave Superman a real workout, and he says that Hulk nearly stood up to all the punishment he could dish out. Hmm…

It never occurred to me that the Hulk should be as strong or (almost) as tough as Superman. I guess I can accept it, but it seems a bit odd. I don’t follow the Hulk in the comics, so I’m not sure how this all came about, but apparently at some point the Hulk lost his mindless raging animal side while retaining the green skin and ability to lift San Diego over his head. He is (or was; I’m not sure how things currently stand in the ever-shifting comics industry) essentially a huge, green-skinned Bruce Banner with all the powers and none of the drawbacks of being the Hulk.

This raises a question I’ve been meaning to ask the writers and editors of Marvel Comics since I began rereading this series: WHAT THE FUCK? If Marvel wanted to make that kind of character, then why not just create a new one? Why mess with this great story Stan Lee set up for us by turning the Hulk into every ridiculous fucking character that Image comics ever published? Why ruin a great, beloved, classic comic book character? Was green ink on sale that week? Huh?! You answer me when I’m talking to you!!

A lot of people make a lot of Superman gay jokes because they heard someone else do it in “Rapper’s Delight,” and that shit is mad clever, yo. Guess what; it was clever, and pretty damn funny when we first heard it… back in 1979. But the shit’s tired now. In truth, Superman was the first published superhero, and his phenomenal popularity worldwide is one of the main reasons that comic books are still around today. Supes has had some pretty fantastic comics to his name, so I give him props. I’m willing to believe the Hulk had great comics also, but I don’t like the Hulk the way I’m seeing him in this series. I wanted Superman to kick his ass on principle. And I don’t really understand how it could have gone otherwise.

The Hulk in the comics seems to posses a fair degree of super speed, incredible resistance to injury, and quasi-supernatural strength which often produces effects which not only defy the laws of physics, but the laws of reason. That’s cool, though – so does the Last Son of Krypton. The Hulk apparently has super breath as well, which seems to me more or less a blatant ripoff of Superman’s exact same power, but whatever. For the sake of argument, however flimsy that argument may be, let’s say they’re dead even so far. We’ve reached the extent of the Hulk’s powers.

But Superman hasn’t exhausted his arsenal. Not by a long shot.

Since the Hulk has to do his damage with fisticuffs, it seems natural that someone with a powerful long range weapon would have a distinct advantage over the Hulk. A long range weapon like, oh, I don’t know, FUCKING KRYPTONIAN HEAT VISION. Superman also has telescopic vision. If you, out there reading this, have this kind of advantage, here’s how to defeat the Hulk without getting a scratch on you: fly into orbit (in the comics it has been established that Superman can hold his breath for days), making sure you carry a small mountain with you. Track the Hulk with your telescopic vision, and blast the bejesus out of him with your crazy alien eyebeams. Go ahead and do your worst; you’re in space, he can’t reach you. While you’re doing this, throw good size chunks of the mountain at him. Or you could just wait until he’s worn down from the heat vision, and drop the whole fuckin’ thing on him at once. When you’re beating the hell out of the Incredible Hulk, nuke him from orbit – it’s the only way to be sure.

Yeah, yeah, I know, Superman would never destroy nature and risk the lives of innocents or his opponents with reckless geography-flinging tactics. Fine; just stand there and wait for the Hulk to come for you, because that’s what he’s gonna do. When he grabs you, grab him right back, and fly straight up, now tell me do you really wanna love me forever, into space. Wait for the Hulk to pass out from lack of oxygen. You win. Oh, oh, oh.

“Hulk smash Superman, fuck his grill all up like Jay Leno! Ha ha!”

I don’t think there should have been any question as to who should have won this. I only question why Supes didn’t win it sooner. In my estimation, he got punched far more than he really needed to, and, Man of Steel or not, getting punched by the Incredible Hulk has got to suck. Maybe Superman saw the same episodes of Hulk’s TV show that I saw as a kid, back when Banner’s first name was David, and he just felt sorry for the guy. Wandering the earth, never knowing love or peace, hunted and hated for just trying to stay alive… it ain’t easy being green. That’s probably why Superman allowed him to get a few shots in; to boost his morale. Or maybe he just felt bad that his new movie is so much better than Hulk’s movie was. Whatever the case, I think we can all agree that it takes a hell of a guy to let the Incredible Hulk punch him just so the Hulk can sleep a little easier that night. One HELL of a guy. And that’s why they call him super, man.

ROUND 11: Batman vs. Captain America
Victor: Batman

I have always found this fight very interesting. Not for the fight itself, or the story, because all of the above was basically pure crap. Batman and Captain America fight for hours with no clear winner. I don’t know why this pic shows them fighting on the Statue Of Liberty, because they didn’t. They fought in a damn sewer. No, I don’t have any idea why. Batman likes to jump down from great heights and use a swing line. Captain America has a big ass shield that he throws around like a boomerang. They’re both the kind of guys who operate best in wide open spaces. But they’re in a sewer. Just go with it.

So anyway, the fight goes on and on, until finally Captain America is washed away by some surprise sewer water and Batman wins. Yeah, that’s really how it went down. Like I said, pure crap. Cap deserved better, and so did Batman. Pun intended, it was a shitty way to close out such an epic collision of worlds. I mean, this fight would have been more interesting if they’d played fucking chess to determine the winner. Hell, the art didn’t even look that good. Such potential. Such a disappointment.

But I find it really interesting that they would be so evenly matched. They each represent the maximum human potential. And… look I’m gonna level with you, I have no idea where I was going with this paragraph. I’m very sleepy, and this article is longer is longer than Ron Jeremy at a hentai convention.

Let’s bottom line it: Batman won this fight. DC should have won the whole damn thing. Their characters are simply too powerful compared to their Marvel opponents. This whole contest was fucking stupid and totally BULLSHIT, not only because of the outcomes of the individual fights, but because of who WASN’T included. Where the fuck was Iron Man? Martian Manhunter? The Scarlet Witch? Green Arrow? And since they let other villains fight, how about Magneto? Darkseid? Dr. Doom? Were they too busy? What about the actual gods that exist in both these universes? Wouldn’t the Marvel “brother” have been better off sending a Celestial into battle rather than fucking Jubilee? I mean what the hell?!

“Hold me, Bruce. Just hold me…”

After all is said and done, I still kinda like this series. To be honest, after revisiting all its flaws, I can’t tell you why. I shouldn’t. But I still do. The very best thing about this fiasco was that it all lead to the the two universes merging into the Amalgam Universe, which remains the most creative cooperation between two competing comic book publishers I think I have ever read. They split up again – it was never meant to last – but while Amalgam Comics was here, it was damned nice.

I know I told you I would give you an in depth review of Amalgam Comics, and I’m not backing out of that, but it’s gonna be a long damn while. I’m worn out with this article. Instead, I’m gonna get real lazy and give you some pretty pics that I’ll doubtless caption and comment on at great length because I never learned when to stop writing. Words words words words words…

The very first DC/Marvel crossover.

Never read it, but it looks expensive. Said by some comics fans and critics to be the best intercompany crossover ever published.

How cool would this have been? Venom does not appear in this series. BULLSHIT!

Firestorm: The Nuclear Man, the ORIGINAL amalgamated superhero. Firestorm does not appear in this series. BULLSHIT!

Spider-Man + Superboy = SPIDER-BOY! Good character, good comic. 7 out of 10.

The Flash + Ghost Rider + Etrigan The Demon + Marvel’s Speed Demon = SPEED DEMON! Great character, decent comic, MASTERFUL artwork. 9 out of 10. Ghost Rider does not appear in this series. BULLSHIT!

Lobo + Howard The Duck = LOBO THE DUCK! 8 out of 10 for the concept alone.

Batman + Wolverine = DARK CLAW! Fantastic art, so-so story, not enough Dark Claw info. 7 out of 10.

Bruce Wayne + Nick Fury = BRUCE WAYNE: AGENT OF SHIELD! Utterly forgettable. 4 out of 10.

Superman + Captain America = SUPER SOLDIER! Great concept, good artwork, but left me wanting. 6 out of 10.

Dr. Strange + Dr. Fate + Professor Charles Xavier = DR. STRANGEFATE! FUCKING IMPRESSIVE! The very best Amalgam Comics title. 9.5 out of 10.

Join us for Part Three, where we explore the Amalgam Universe and see how the heroes of the Marvel and DC universes save their realities. Until then, excelsior, true believers!

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