Gee, I wonder if anyone will be upset? Click the pic to find out!
We now return to “Dude, Where’s My Cross?”
Nothing makes the Bible look quite as stupid as fundamentalists, but History’s The Bible runs a REAL close second.
I watched this shitshow with the parental units. The male one seems to believe that you can get into Heaven by kissing God’s ass and buying merch. Is this true? Is God a struggling local band? The painfully Scottish and absolutely TERRIBLE narrator has yet to tell us. In any case, I maintained my composure until the Chinese angel did the slo-mo dual sword draw then mowed down the whole street full of Soddomites in his bloodlust. You know, just like in the book.
I’m not editing these pictures. This was really the best they could do.
I expected a mini series about the Bible to suck, but I would never have imagined that would be this bad. Honestly, it’s hard to understand how this even got made. if I had to write and direct a parody of the Bible, I would have been hard pressed to do much better. The guy playing Abraham was a goddamned TREASURE. His overacting was comedy gold.
Jesus! Now 200% more punchable!
“Jesus fucking Christ, this is the worst script I have ever read.”
2021 Update: I just rewatched the first 10 minutes or so. It’s difficult for me to understand how this could be possible, but it is actually worse than I remember. And why the hell is everyone in this movie filthy all the time? The Romans had free public baths. There is no reason everyone needed to be dirty. Maybe if they had spent less time whining about the Romans and more time taking advantage of the ultra-useful modern conveniences there would have been less need for scourging. Seriously, this movie is a great advertisement for the Roman Empire. Oderint dum metuant!
The hard truth is that this movie was made for the glorification, worship, and enrichment of one man. Anyone who says differently is selling something.