Chris reviews The Bible

Gee, I wonder if anyone will be upset? Click the pic to find out!

We now return to “Dude, Where’s My Cross?”

Nothing makes the Bible look quite as stupid as fundamentalists, but History’s The Bible runs a REAL close second.

I watched this shitshow with the parental units. The male one seems to believe that you can get into Heaven by kissing God’s ass and buying merch. Is this true? Is God a struggling local band? The painfully Scottish and absolutely TERRIBLE narrator has yet to tell us. In any case, I maintained my composure until the Chinese angel did the slo-mo dual sword draw then mowed down the whole street full of Soddomites in his bloodlust. You know, just like in the book.

I’m not editing these pictures. This was really the best they could do.

I expected a mini series about the Bible to suck, but I would never have imagined that would be this bad. Honestly, it’s hard to understand how this even got made. if I had to write and direct a parody of the Bible, I would have been hard pressed to do much better. The guy playing Abraham was a goddamned TREASURE. His overacting was comedy gold.

Jesus! Now 200% more punchable!

“Jesus fucking Christ, this is the worst script I have ever read.”

2021 Update: I just rewatched the first 10 minutes or so. It’s difficult for me to understand how this could be possible, but it is actually worse than I remember. And why the hell is everyone in this movie filthy all the time? The Romans had free public baths. There is no reason everyone needed to be dirty. Maybe if they had spent less time whining about the Romans and more time taking advantage of the ultra-useful modern conveniences there would have been less need for scourging. Seriously, this movie is a great advertisement for the Roman Empire. Oderint dum metuant!

The hard truth is that this movie was made for the glorification, worship, and enrichment of one man. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

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Steve Decker

I did not watch this, and now I’m really sad that I didn’t.

Lydia 'crisp' Van Nunen

You know what I am a fundamentalist and I am not stupid. You know what is stupid, being an atheist and watching a movie about the Bible but I digress. I have never used Facebook to make fun of anybody, I do not understand why we have to be p.c. all the time but it is perfectly acceptable to make fun of Christians. Please enlighten me on this

Lydia 'crisp' Van Nunen

I have no persecution complex nor do I feel like I am better than other people. Never asked for your sympathy nor would I ever want it from someone who spills forth so much hatred. As for the movie I never watch those types for two reasons: they are never correct and I do not watch anything that depicts Dod. I do not have a delicate ego, you sure do make a lot of assumptions about someone you do not know. You seem to have a major chip on your shoulder, I am merely laughing at you right now for your an

Lydia 'crisp' Van Nunen

Analysis of me. I do not whine but you sound like a crying baby.

Lydia 'crisp' Van Nunen

I was commenting on the fundamentalist comment not about the movie, thought that was made quite obvious

Lydia 'crisp' Van Nunen

Very mature do you feel better for mocking peoples beliefs I am done with this you are a very small and rude person


I guess my expectations are too high, I thought the History channel was supposed to report on, you know, actual history..

Lee Fogle

From what I can gather this appeared to ‘sensationalize’ the Holy Bible rather than simply tell it as the story it is. The Holy Bible is one book that, believe it or not, needs no embellishments. 🙂

Chris Moore

was it totally a re-enactment, or was there a voice-over narrator? was it documentary-style, or more like a made-for-tv movie?

Matt Sheldon

It’s a crap made-for-tv story, Chris. It really sucks ass!

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