Chris reviews “Rock Paper Scissors Spock Lizard”

2021 UPDATE: Long before The Big Bang Theory made this game famous, The Sci-Fi Guys were singing its praises. Join us, won’t you, for what we at the time called: Chris’s rambling dissertation on the most ultimate of all extreme competitive rapid-fire hand gesturing sports.

Normally, a game based on Rock Paper Scissors wouldn’t merit mention on this site. Nothing against that time honored game, but aside from its occasional use as a diceless combat system for LARPers, where’s the sci-fi/fantasy? Well, I’ll tell you where. It’s right here:

That’s right, baby, Rock Paper Scissors Spock Lizard.

God, I love that name. I love it so much, that I hate Sam Kass for thinking of it before I had a chance to. Who the hell is Sam Kass, you ask? Sam Kass is the malaria-crazed genius game designer and Pentagon strategery expert that devised Rock Paper Scissors Spock Lizard while he and his band of great white hunters stalked a rogue Bengal tiger through the Kingdom Of The Spider Monkeys deep in the heart of the Cambodian jungle back in 1911. I cannot verify the accuracy of that last sentence because I’m too completely preoccupied with the fact that you can rearrange the letters in his name to make the phrase “ass mask.” I don’t know if there is such a thing as an “ass mask,” but if not I’m calling dibs on the copyright RIGHT NOW.

Ass Mask™ is a trademark and copyright registered to Chris Woodall, © 2006. All rights reserved.

It makes me sad that I don’t have an Ass Mask™. That’s okay, though, ‘cause I just realized that the guy in the Ass Mask™ logo kinda looks like that weird butt-faced guy from Star Wars. Thank you, Adobe Photoshop. Thanks an assload.

I won’t go into all the intricate details of Rock Paper Scissors Spock Lizard, since the picture is pretty much self explanatory. Also, I don’t intend on typing a ridiculously long explanation of the game play, since I know there’s about a 0.001% chance that any of you are ever going to play this game. Hell, I’m never going to play this game, and I’m its biggest fan. I’m never going to play it, and I’m gonna put it on TV. I don’t love this game because I want to play it; I love this game because it makes me feel good just knowing it’s out there. This game exists, and that makes the universe a better place. Sam Kass is one hell of a carbon based lifeform for thinking it up. Let us all bask in the immortal glory and golden light of this, his most wondrous creation:

Apart from the fact that they got the name wrong, how awesome is that? Well, let me tell you how awesome it is. If you want to use my own personal method of determining the closeness of something to complete metaphysical perfection, you must determine its DOSFTT: Degrees Of Separation From The Transformers. You simply trace the shortest path of anything, anything in the universe, to the Transformers. Everything that has ever existed ever can be done in six steps or less; the fewer steps, the cosmically better the thing (watching/owning/playing with Transformers does NOT count). I, for example, have two degrees of separation:

1. I have interviewed and received autographed artwork from Pat Lee.
2. Pat Lee was the head artist on the Dreamwave Transformers comic book.

Two degrees, baby. To get any closer than I already am, I’d pretty much have to be a Transformer. And after years of whining and pleading with him, my doctor finally told me that its just not going to happen. Asshole. In contrast, Rock Paper Scissors Spock Lizard has three degrees of separation:

1. Rock Paper Scissors Spock Lizard has Spock in it
2. Spock was played by Leonard Nimoy.
3. Leonard Nimoy was the voice of Galvatron in The Transformers: The Movie.

Three degrees. Only one more than me. That’s not too damn bad for a game you play by making stupid hand gestures at another person.

Of course, all this may not be your cup of tea. If you like to kick it old school, and want to throw down some mad Rock Paper Scissors skillz sans Spock, you should probably check out The World Rock Paper Scissors Society. No, I’m not joking. According to their propaganda, they are an “international organization for RPS players and fans everywhere! For less than the cost of a month of Internet access, YOU can become a member of this exciting organization!” They even have illustrated instructions in case the subtle nuances of Rock Paper Scissors is beyond your immediate grasp. You know, I REALLY wanna mock these guys, but I’m a 30 year old man without a woman who plays with Transformers and reviews Rock Paper Scissors variants on his science fiction website. Who in the hell am I to judge? Truth be told, I like organizations like this. They strengthen my feelings that either there is no God, or if there is, its a very, very angry one and he’s probably planning on wiping us all out REAL soon.

On second thought, fuck it; those guys are freaks. Play Rock Paper Scissors Spock Lizard instead.

See you in church, sinner,

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Passing through and wanted to tell you I enjoyed my stay

Chris’s note: Well, mosey on back anytime, little lady. Pretty little spam bot like you is welcome ’round these parts anytime.

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