Chris Reviews Leprechaun & Leprechaun 2

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, and top o’ tha mornin’ to ya! Let it never be said that there’s no room for the green in the heart o’ this Sci-Fi Guy. Today I be bringin’ ye a pair o’ reviews more’n worthy of me pot o’ gold! Of course I be referrin’ ta Leprechaun and Leprechaun 2. Plus I’ll be throwin’ in a bonus review of me favorite Irish breakfast, Lucky Charms, and Sci-Fi Guys music correspondent Mouser will tell us about a pair o’ Dropkick Murphys gigs that were prettier than freckles. Éirinn go Brách!

I found Leprechaun on DVD for $7. Never having seen it before due to complete lack of interest, I typically would’ve passed without a second glance. But two things caught my eye. First was Jennifer Aniston. I had no idea she was in this movie. Or in any horror movie at all, especially one this old. The second thing to catch my eye was that this is a double feature. Leprechaun 2 was included. And it was cheap. Sold!

A quick check of the copyright dates on the back verified that this movie was made roughly two years before she filmed the first episode of F·R·I·E·N·D·S. So she would have been twenty-three at the time. Twenty-three and oh so… perky.

Let’s just get this out of the way right now: my motivation for buying this DVD was entirely impure. Lustful, even. There was a glorious time in America from the mid-1970s into the early 1990s when watching a horror movie meant you had a 95% chance of seeing boobs. And not just teasing side boob seen in passing like Selena Gomez’s shower scene in Only Murders In The Building. I’m talking about boobs so exposed they stare right back at you.

Horror movies back then made no pretense of being art. And that’s why they were fun. They were infamous for questionable acting and wonderfully gratuitous nude scenes with lingering, appreciative breast shots. And I’d be lying through my teeth if I pretended for an instant that the chance of getting a good look at Jennifer Aniston’s full, firm early ’90s breasts was not a major factor in my decision making process. In truth it was damn near all I could think about. I am a weak and shallow man. Fine. I’m comfortable with that. But, goddamnit, I wanted to see some boobs. But not just any boobs. Her boobs.

And I’m going to be honest here, I don’t think I’m 100% to blame for this. Every week for ten straight years, images of this goddess and her wonderful nipples were beamed at the speed of light from Hollywood, California directly into my libido. We all talked about it. The girls of F·R·I·E·N·D·S were impossibly beautiful angels from heaven who, without prompting or prayers, delivered unto us weekly nipples so prominent that we would discuss in incredulity how they could have possibly made it past NBC’s censors. Do you really think I could endure a decade of these three gorgeous women speaking directly to my reptilian hindbrain with their nipple magic and somehow not be shaped by the experience? Impossible. The nipples of the lead actresses of F·R·I·E·N·D·S are a permanent part of me now. Their nipples are who I am.

And of all the nipples to be had on F·R·I·E·N·D·S, Jen’s were my favorite. I mean, can you blame me? Just look at them. They are glorious little points of interest centered perfectly on the flawless breasts of one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. I don’t know if God writes, but if he does Jennifer Aniston’s nipples are his signature. I even named them: Pancho and Lefty. You’d think Lefty would be the one on the left, wouldn’t you? But you’d be wrong. That’s Pancho. They were always playing funny little games like that, Jen’s nipples. That’s just one of the things that made me fall in love with them. That and the fact that they were on Jennifer Aniston’s boobs. That was a pretty big part of the equation also.

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, Leprechaun. When I saw the DVD my head swam with green-dyed sugarplum visions of a grand St. Patty’s Day article for the site. A celebration! In my mind I had this huge review planned. I could even Photoshop a green Sci-Fi Guys logo for the big St. Patrick’s Day event. I was going to gather up a shitload of things for you to download. A bunch of really cool stuff like the Leprechaun Loot slot machine game you can download by clicking the pic below. It was going to be glorious. People would talk about it for years.

Then I watched the movies.

It’s fucking difficult to get excited about writing a review of lackluster movies. It would be a lot easier if the Leprechaun films were outright terrible. I can deal with that. Terrible films can be a lot of fun. But these are not terrible. They’re just sort of there. Leprechaun is a the story of an old Irish guy who has a leprechaun trapped in a box. I don’t remember how he got the leprechaun into the box, but leprechauns are helpless against four leaf clovers. So the guy’s wife just lays a four leaf clover on top of the box and the leprechaun can’t move the lid. It’s like Thor’s hammer to him. So the leprechaun just chills in the box while the guy enjoys his pot of gold. Enjoys it for a long time. He enjoys it until he is old and perky, twenty-three year old Jennifer Aniston is his granddaughter. Then the leprechaun gets loose and blah blah blah blah blah.

Dude, it’s Friday night. I don’t have a date, and I can’t think of anything fun to do, but I sure as shit don’t want to sit around writing this fucking article. Let me bottom line it for you: despite the fact that it stars Warwick Davis, who has been in more sci-fi than almost any other actor alive, Leprechaun just barely comes in on the low end of mediocre. And I never got to see Jen’s boobs. She doesn’t even get remotely naked. It’s not good. Don’t watch it. 5 out of 10.

Leprechaun 2 is heads and tails above Leprechaun. About two thirds of the way through they run out of story to tell and it all gets a little bit idiotic, but the lead actress is absolutely gorgeous, and you do get to see her boobs. The story is far better, you don’t have to have seen Leprechaun for it to make sense, and there’s loads more leprechaun mythology and folklore interwoven into the story. Also, Clint Howard is in it and makes a humorous reference to his role in Ice Cream Man. That’s enough to earn it a 6 out of 10.

Lucky Charms: Crystal Ball Marshmallows "Forest Quest" Commercial! (2007)

Oh, yeah, the Lucky Charms. Bought some just to review. I rarely eat cereal, and when I do it’s usually something adult and respectable, or sometimes Cinnamon Life if my sweet tooth is acting up. But Lucky Charms is basically breakfast candy. I was all excited, but I’ve gotta say I’d forgotten that Lucky Charms just aren’t that great. They taste kind of like the ghost of sweetened oatmeal from a shitty grade school cafeteria; an empty sweet flavor with just a hint of cardboard. In honor of the fact that Leprechaun 2 has Tony Cox, the world’s most famous black little person, in it… wait. I don’t know if that’s true. I just made that up. But he’s the only black little person I know of besides Spike Lee, so I’m not erasing it. Just go with me on this one.

As I was saying, in honor of the fact that Leprechaun 2 has Tony Cox, the world’s most famous black little person, I bought some Chocolate Lucky Charms as well. I debated it a long time because cereal costs $35 a box nowadays. But look at it. It looks so fuckin’ cheerful. After a few weeks I relented and brought Lucky’s black cousin from the wrong side of the tracks home with me.

Upon opening the box, the explosion of chocolate aroma in the room was unbelievable. This stuff smells amazing, and the scent is strong. Dizzy and reeling, I walked out of the house to my car to escape the chocolate fumes, and I could still smell it after driving 30 miles away from the closed box where I left it in the kitchen, sealed in a plastic bag full of industrial strength room deodorizers and covered with three feet of wet cement. I also made that up. I am cheeky and full of lies this evening. I suggest you don’t believe anything I say. Including that.

I was thinking that with a smell so literally mouthwatering, there was simply no way this stuff could disappoint. Unfortunately, the taste is nothing at all like the smell. As a matter of fact, it tastes almost exactly like normal Lucky Charms. There’s no chocolate flavor whatsoever, just that thick, heady aroma. Lucky, you little green bastard. You let me down.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, peeps. I’m gonna go find a bottle of whiskey to crawl into. May the road rise to meetcha, and all that. Mouser, take the wheel!

Dropkick Murphys - Intro+For Boston (Live On St Patrick's Days)
Open Flair 2015 – Dropkick Murphys ("Worker's Song")

Chris here. The cover of “The Foggy Dew” with Sinéad O’ Connor that Mouser talked about comes from The Long Black Veil; click play to hear it!

For any of you who are even slightly interested in traditional Celtic music, traditional music of the British isles, rock ‘n’ roll, or country, there’s absolutely no reason in the world you shouldn’t own Long Black Veil. In case you don’t know, The Chieftains are the Irish group that have pretty much defined what traditional Irish musicians are capable of. They’ve been making records for about 45 years now, and they’ve recorded damn near every kind of music with every kind of artist, from “Goodnight Irene” with Willie Nelson to “Redemption Song” with Ziggy Marley. These guys kick serious ass.

The Rocky Road to Dublin

My very favorite recording of my very favorite Irish song, “The Rocky Road To Dublin,” is also on Long Black Veil. The Chieftains and my boys The Rolling Stones teamed up for this recording, and the result sounds like an angry sea shanty sung by drunken and heavily armed pirates. It is hands down the best Chieftains recording I’ve ever heard. The best part is the jam session at the end.

Dropkick Murphys - "The Wild Rover"
Dropkick Murphys - Baba O'Riley (WHO Cover)

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^ Dropkick Murphys!!! YEAH! Sweet. They be on an Oz tour while I fly back to the “armpit of america” (term coined by a kai56 leader). How quaint.

Anyway, I haven’t watched the Leprechaun movies in ages. Why I hadn’t thought of watching them on St. Patrick’s Day I don’t know. We were going to watch Rudy and The Boondock Saints and somehow ended up watching Casino Royale among other movies.

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