BLACK FRIDAY BARGAIN!: $2 DIY Christmas Robot

Step 1: Go to Dollar Tree and locate the cleverly named “ROBOT” toys. Find the non-transforming Snaps Apart! Posable! ones above; you’ll need a yellow/black one and a white/green one. You’ll also need a Phillips screwdriver, but I’m not including that in the price. You should have one already. If you don’t, consider Step 1.5 to be “Get your life together and get a damn screwdriver.”

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“Gobble, gobble. Booble-ooble-ooble-ooble-oop!”

“You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks. Then you can give me a fucking automobile: a fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick. Four fucking wheels and a seat!… And I really don’t care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn’t fucking there. And I really didn’t care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking RUNWAY to get back here to have you smile in my fucking face. I want a fucking car, right… fucking… NOW.”