TALES FROM NEWPORT!

Tonight’s episode: “The VMAs”

KROGER CASHIER: Did you find everything ok today?

ME: Yes.

KROGER CASHIER: (suddenly intensely excited) Did you watch the VMAs?!

ME: …No.

KROGER CASHIER: OH…

KROGER CASHIER: MY…

KROGER CASHIER: GOD!!

This has been another chilling episode of…

TALES FROM NEWPORT!

Tonight’s episode: “The Library – Epilogue”

Last time on TALES FROM NEWPORT!, I heard what I suspected was a man in a motorized wheelchair masturbating in the CD aisle of my local library. Was I right? Was he pulling his periodicals? Rubbing his references? Making library paste? It seemed the world would never know. But then…

DUN DUN DUUUUNN!!

This has been another chilling episode of…

TALES FROM NEWPORT!

Tonight’s episode: “The Library”

So I’m in the library and decided to hit the CD section, when a fat old man in a motorized wheelchair goes in before me. I decide to give him some space, and once he’s out of sight, the breathy grunting begins.

“Uhh… grrnff…” Then the wheelchair starts squeaking and making odd electrical hums. More sexual grunts followed by the clatter of falling CDs, then a whispery, “Unhh, Thompson. Yes!”

I moved away to the emotional safety of the DVD aisle where I could still hear CDs falling off the shelves, accompanied by his labored, apparently close to orgasm stage whispers of “Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. Yeah, you motherfucker…” This place is fucking crowded, but no one else seems to notice. How can I be the only one hearing this???

Pictured: A completely different wheelchair-bound pervert

By the way, when I said, “I’m in the library,” I wasn’t being folksy with the past tense. I am in the library right now, as I am typing this. This is ongoing. People are just walking around like everything is cool. I feel like that kid in The Sixth Sense. How can no one else notice this?

Jesus fucking Christ, he just rounded the corner and looked at me. I need a shower just from looking at him. And he’s not even holding any CDs. I guess he’s a blow and go kinda perv. At least clean up after yourself, you nasty, inconsiderate bastard. Librarians don’t get paid enough to deal with this kind of shit.

Pro tip: When visiting the Newport branch of the Campbell County Public Library, avoid checking out or even touching audio recordings by any artist named Thompson. Me, I’m just gonna skip the whole fucking aisle. Shit like this is why people pirate. Please excuse me while I go get that Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind surgery to have this day obliterated from my memory. There’s some shit I just don’t want rattling around up there.

This has been another chilling episode of…

TALES FROM NEWPORT!

Tonight’s episode: “The Little Old Lady Behind Me At Kroger”

CASHIER: “Welcome to Kroger, ma’am, how are you today?”

LITTLE OLD LADY: “Well, I’m pretty sure death’s not far off. (holds up a frozen turkey pot pie) These are on sale, right?”

This has been another chilling episode of…

Be sure to tune in next time. Keep ’em coming, Newport, I love ya!