Tonight’s episode: “Stop Diabetes”

Today’s irony is brought to you by your friendly Newport Kroger:

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Tonight’s episode: “The VMAs”

KROGER CASHIER: Did you find everything ok today?

ME: Yes.

KROGER CASHIER: (suddenly intensely excited) Did you watch the VMAs?!

ME: …No.




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Tonight’s episode: “The Library – Epilogue”

Last time on TALES FROM NEWPORT!, I heard what I suspected was a man in a motorized wheelchair masturbating in the CD aisle of my local library. Was I right? Was he pulling his periodicals? Rubbing his references? Making library paste? It seemed the world would never know. But then…


This has been another chilling episode of…


Tonight’s episode: “The Library”

So I’m in the library and decided to hit the CD section, when a fat old man in a motorized wheelchair goes in before me. I decide to give him some space, and once he’s out of sight, the breathy grunting begins.

“Uhh… grrnff…” Then the wheelchair starts squeaking and making odd electrical hums. More sexual grunts followed by the clatter of falling CDs, then a whispery, “Unhh, Thompson. Yes!”

I moved away to the emotional safety of the DVD aisle where I could still hear CDs falling off the shelves, accompanied by his labored, apparently close to orgasm stage whispers of “Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. Yeah, you motherfucker…” This place is fucking crowded, but no one else seems to notice. How can I be the only one hearing this???

Pictured: A completely different wheelchair-bound pervert

By the way, when I said, “I’m in the library,” I wasn’t being folksy with the past tense. I am in the library right now, as I am typing this. This is ongoing. People are just walking around like everything is cool. I feel like that kid in The Sixth Sense. How can no one else notice this?

Jesus fucking Christ, he just rounded the corner and looked at me. I need a shower just from looking at him. And he’s not even holding any CDs. I guess he’s a blow and go kinda perv. At least clean up after yourself, you nasty, inconsiderate bastard. Librarians don’t get paid enough to deal with this kind of shit.

Pro tip: When visiting the Newport branch of the Campbell County Public Library, avoid checking out or even touching audio recordings by any artist named Thompson. Me, I’m just gonna skip the whole fucking aisle. Shit like this is why people pirate. Please excuse me while I go get that Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind surgery to have this day obliterated from my memory. There’s some shit I just don’t want rattling around up there.

This has been another chilling episode of…


Tonight’s episode: “The Little Old Lady Behind Me At Kroger”

CASHIER: “Welcome to Kroger, ma’am, how are you today?”

LITTLE OLD LADY: “Well, I’m pretty sure death’s not far off. (holds up a frozen turkey pot pie) These are on sale, right?”

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Be sure to tune in next time. Keep ’em coming, Newport, I love ya!

Tales From Newport!

This week’s episode: “Pepper Pod”

I went to Pepper Pod sober, which makes me the only person I’ve ever known who can truthfully say that. The smell is… concerning. But that’s not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about the cheeseburgers.

The cheeseburgers at Pepper Pod are amazing. Not because they’re good, but because they literally have no flavor whatsoever. No part of that burger had any taste. At all. It’s technically there and it does its job, but it had no presence. It was the culinary equivalent of the number zero.

And then came the belches. Dear God, those cigarette smoke and stale meat belches. I might as well have eaten the nicotine stained paint off the walls. Don’t eat Pepper Pod sober, friends. For the love of all you hold dear, just don’t do it.

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Tonight’s episode: “Vanilla Rage/Cold Stone Crazy”

If you are in front of me at Cold Stone and you waste 15 minutes asking questions and tasting samples and then order a bowl of PLAIN VANILLA FUCKING ICE CREAM, I should be legally allowed to punch you until there is blood in your stool. It should be goddamned encouraged.

And why the FUCK would anyone need to sample vanilla? It’s VANILLA. If you know enough to go to a Cold Stone Creamery, then you already know what vanilla fucking ice cream tastes like. I steadfastly refuse to believe otherwise. If you can PRONOUNCE vanilla, you’ve tasted it. It’s standard. It’s ubiquitous. IT’S FUCKING VANILLA. Why not sample the tap water while you’re at it? “Yes, can I try just a sip of the house tap, please? I’d like to know what water tastes like before I commit.”

My god, I am so pissed off about this. You’ve had vanilla ice cream, dumb bitch! Get the fuck out of the line! Why do I even come to this stupid town? Jesus Christ.

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Tonight’s episode: “A Winter’s Tale”

Woke up to beautiful snowy rooftops and a crisp cleanness to the air. The sun is beaming, the perfect blue sky is rolling with huge, cottony clouds, and the air is cold and sharp. Everything feels so immediate and alive. Days like this are custom made for me. I fucking LOVE winter.

Nothing weird nor ominous to report. No uncomfortable encounters nor bizarre human interactions needing commentary. Just a perfect, snowy day in Newport, KY. I hope all of your days are as fine as this one.