Tales From Newport!

This week’s episode: “Pepper Pod”

I went to Pepper Pod sober, which makes me the only person I’ve ever known who can truthfully say that. The smell is… concerning. But that’s not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about the cheeseburgers.

The cheeseburgers at Pepper Pod are amazing. Not because they’re good, but because they literally have no flavor whatsoever. No part of that burger had any taste. At all. It’s technically there and it does its job, but it had no presence. It was the culinary equivalent of the number zero.

And then came the belches. Dear God, those cigarette smoke and stale meat belches. I might as well have eaten the nicotine stained paint off the walls. Don’t eat Pepper Pod sober, friends. For the love of all you hold dear, just don’t do it.

This has been another chilling episode of…

It’s Just Beer

I don’t want to hear about your waitress turf wars or which table belongs to which server. I don’t care. As a customer, all of that should be invisible to me. If you can’t bring me a drink, go find somebody who can. It should not take 35 minutes for me to order my first beer at the Hofbräuhaus.

Carnivore

I have, in the last 24 hours, eaten beef, chicken, pork, venison, elk, wild boar, octopus, kangaroo, squid, alligator, buffalo, ostrich, and a piece of unidentified fish. Those of you with pets or slow moving children would be well advised to keep them out of my path, because apparently no member of the animal kingdom is safe from me this weekend.

TALES FROM NEWPORT!

Tonight’s episode: “Vanilla Rage/Cold Stone Crazy”

If you are in front of me at Cold Stone and you waste 15 minutes asking questions and tasting samples and then order a bowl of PLAIN VANILLA FUCKING ICE CREAM, I should be legally allowed to punch you until there is blood in your stool. It should be goddamned encouraged.

And why the FUCK would anyone need to sample vanilla? It’s VANILLA. If you know enough to go to a Cold Stone Creamery, then you already know what vanilla fucking ice cream tastes like. I steadfastly refuse to believe otherwise. If you can PRONOUNCE vanilla, you’ve tasted it. It’s standard. It’s ubiquitous. IT’S FUCKING VANILLA. Why not sample the tap water while you’re at it? “Yes, can I try just a sip of the house tap, please? I’d like to know what water tastes like before I commit.”

My god, I am so pissed off about this. You’ve had vanilla ice cream, dumb bitch! Get the fuck out of the line! Why do I even come to this stupid town? Jesus Christ.

This has been another chilling episode of…

Chris reviews Campbell’s The Batman soup

Like most of my more interesting purchases, this is one of those things I knew I should throw in the shopping cart before I thought about it too long. If I’m not careful, the adult in me will take over and ruin all sorts of fun. So when I saw this on the shelf, I grabbed a can, ran to the checkout, tossed a handful of change at the cashier, and bolted. I was going to have my The Batman soup, by god, and no one was going to interfere… especially not me.

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