‘Tis The Season

Well, the pink Christmas tree, which I affectionately call The Ugliest Christmas Tree In The World, is up again and, thanks to some bafflingly hideous ornaments, it is worse than ever. I’ve kinda fallen in love with it. I can’t stop looking at it. It has transcended mere neon tackiness and is now, I feel, a work of art so intensely disagreeable that defines a whole new kind of beauty. That’s why I put it in the front window, for the whole street to enjoy. The looks of “What the FUCK??” on the faces of sidewalk passersby are a treasure of which I never tire.

Dramatization. Actual dinosaurs not pictured.

Under the tree I’ve set up a diorama of plastic dinosaurs in a frosty winter forest, because dinosaurs, if you think about it, were really the only thing missing from last year’s setup. And instead of a tree skirt, the whole thing sits atop a leopard skin throw. It’s glorious. My mom came over just to see it because she didn’t believe the description and thought I surely must be exaggerating. Once she saw it she was momentarily dumbstruck, and afterwards all she could do was say my name, over and over, in a worried, defeated tone. “Christopher, Christopher, Christopher…” I could not have asked for a more encouraging response. Oh, and I also have a boring old green one that’s going up somewhere, eventually.

Multiculturalism

I’m messing with my coworkers. Step 1: Decorated the cubicle with 10x the appropriate amount of Christmas decorations. Step 2: Last night I brought in a spread of Hanukkah cookies. Step 3: Kwanzaa Claus figurine. Step 4: Brought in a baklava tray and some poinsettias. Now I’m Greek Orthodox, baby!

Bummer

I’m tired of people trying to make me sad for Christmas. I don’t want any more singing about starving children or dead lady’s shoes, and if I hear that fucking John Lennon song one more time I’m gonna dig that bastard up and shoot him again myself.

Elvis managed to record my favorite Christmas rock song, “Santa Claus Is Back In Town,” and break this rule all in the same album. Mama and her roses need to go the hell away. It’s not even a Christmas song. It’s just a reason to feel bad.

Decorations Of Red

I’ll have a blue Christmas, that’s certain. And when that blue heartache starts hurtin’, you’ll be doin’ all right with your Christmas of white. But I’ll have a blue, blue Christmas…

TALES FROM NEWPORT!

Tonight’s episode: “A Winter’s Tale”

Woke up to beautiful snowy rooftops and a crisp cleanness to the air. The sun is beaming, the perfect blue sky is rolling with huge, cottony clouds, and the air is cold and sharp. Everything feels so immediate and alive. Days like this are custom made for me. I fucking LOVE winter.

Nothing weird nor ominous to report. No uncomfortable encounters nor bizarre human interactions needing commentary. Just a perfect, snowy day in Newport, KY. I hope all of your days are as fine as this one.