Die Alone

Our hero’s acerbic and aggressive attitude has caused his long distance separation from his family at Christmas. In order to see his family again, our hero must use his wits to survive against thieves who both outgun and outnumber him. During his struggles, he comes to the emotional realization that he was in the wrong in his family dispute, is at fault for his estrangement from them, and wants only to be with them once again.

This is the plot to both Home Alone and Die Hard. So if Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie, then neither is Home Alone. I’m willing to get into the ring over this. Bring it. Yippee kai yay, motherfuckers.


Step 1: Go to Dollar Tree and locate the cleverly named “ROBOT” toys. Find the non-transforming Snaps Apart! Posable! ones above; you’ll need a yellow/black one and a white/green one. You’ll also need a Phillips screwdriver, but I’m not including that in the price. You should have one already. If you don’t, consider Step 1.5 to be “Get your life together and get a damn screwdriver.”

Continue reading “BLACK FRIDAY BARGAIN!: $2 DIY Christmas Robot”

Home Alone

I’m enjoying the holiday mood right now, and I just watched Home Alone for the first time in thirty years. And I noticed something about it I missed back when I was fifteen. I didn’t pick up on it then, but Home Alone is a deeply, fundamentally stupid movie.

Bad acting. Shitty editing. Poor writing. Terrible ideas.

Hey, if you’re like me and need some enjoyable Christmas viewing to get the taste of Home Alone out of your brain, I recommend a shot of Gremlins followed up with a Die Hard chaser. Fixed me right up. I gotta say, watching these thieves getting ready to take over Nakatomi Plaza is actually, no bullshit, getting me in the Christmas spirit. Yippee kai yay, motherfuckers!

The War On Christmas

Click to read the history of Christians canceling Christmas.

Just a friendly holiday reminder that The War On Christmas was real. And the Christians started it. #1659NeverForget #BringOurToysHome

Babes In Toyland

I’ve had a great deal of cold medicine in the last forty-eight hours, so maybe this isn’t real. Sweet Christ, I hope it isn’t real. But, deep down in the dark, secret places of everyone’s soul where no one talks about, I know it’s real. And you can watch it for free on Amazon Prime.

If your definition of the Christmas spirit is watching Keanu Reeves act so badly that an eleven year old Drew Barrymore upstages him, and watching the grizzled old dad from Empty Nest try to fuck a fifteen year old girl, then you need to drop everything right now and watch Babes In Toyland (1986). Come, my friends. Join me in hell.


“Did you fuck my mom?… Did you fuck… my… mom?… Did you fuck my mom, Santy Claus? Did you fuck my mom? Did you fuck her? Did you fuck my fucking mom?! DID YOU FUCK MY MOM, SANTA?!”

“The only way that we’re gonna get back the Christmas spirit is if we get back to the basics… We’re gonna throw rocks at trains.”

God Damn It

Well, it finally happened. The thing I dread each and every Christmas season. I just heard that fucking John Lennon song.

Every time I hear “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)” I am reminded that if John Lennon hadn’t been shot, he would have turned into exactly the type of insufferable douchebag that Bono is today. But worse. It also reminds me that it’s probably time we shoot Bono.