It comes down to this: if someone wishes you “Happy Holidays” and the first thing that enters your mind is to take offense, then you are a cunt.
Quite possibly the greatest Christmas song written in my lifetime. Or anyone else’s.
“Forgiveness does not turn chicks on like Old Spice shower gel.”
So I opened the mail today and this happened…
And now I’m all smiles.
First Christmas present of the year. With lights AND sounds. Jealous, bitches?
I’m not entirely sure what this means, but Merry Christmas, Gotham style.
Well, the pink Christmas tree, which I affectionately call The Ugliest Christmas Tree In The World, is up again and, thanks to some bafflingly hideous ornaments, it is worse than ever. I’ve kinda fallen in love with it. I can’t stop looking at it. It has transcended mere neon tackiness and is now, I feel, a work of art so intensely disagreeable that defines a whole new kind of beauty. That’s why I put it in the front window, for the whole street to enjoy. The looks of “What the FUCK??” on the faces of sidewalk passersby are a treasure of which I never tire.
Dramatization. Actual dinosaurs not pictured.
Under the tree I’ve set up a diorama of plastic dinosaurs in a frosty winter forest, because dinosaurs, if you think about it, were really the only thing missing from last year’s setup. And instead of a tree skirt, the whole thing sits atop a leopard skin throw. It’s glorious. My mom came over just to see it because she didn’t believe the description and thought I surely must be exaggerating. Once she saw it she was momentarily dumbstruck, and afterwards all she could do was say my name, over and over, in a worried, defeated tone. “Christopher, Christopher, Christopher…” I could not have asked for a more encouraging response. Oh, and I also have a boring old green one that’s going up somewhere, eventually.
Watching Ernest Saves Christmas for the first time in years, and I’m not so sad that Jim Varney is dead anymore.
Someone accidentally challenged me to make the ugliest Christmas tree in the world. And to that challenge, like Icarus, I rose. Click the pic to watch the birth of a legend, and mix up a festive Christmas cocktail to boot!Continue reading “The Ugliest Christmas Tree In The World”
I’m messing with my coworkers. Step 1: Decorated the cubicle with 10x the appropriate amount of Christmas decorations. Step 2: Last night I brought in a spread of Hanukkah cookies. Step 3: Kwanzaa Claus figurine. Step 4: Brought in a baklava tray and some poinsettias. Now I’m Greek Orthodox, baby!