Die Alone

Our hero’s acerbic and aggressive attitude has caused his long distance separation from his family at Christmas. In order to see his family again, our hero must use his wits to survive against thieves who both outgun and outnumber him. During his struggles, he comes to the emotional realization that he was in the wrong in his family dispute, is at fault for his estrangement from them, and wants only to be with them once again.

This is the plot to both Home Alone and Die Hard. So if Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie, then neither is Home Alone. I’m willing to get into the ring over this. Bring it. Yippee kai yay, motherfuckers.

BLACK FRIDAY BARGAIN!: $2 DIY Christmas Robot

Step 1: Go to Dollar Tree and locate the cleverly named “ROBOT” toys. Find the non-transforming Snaps Apart! Posable! ones above; you’ll need a yellow/black one and a white/green one. You’ll also need a Phillips screwdriver, but I’m not including that in the price. You should have one already. If you don’t, consider Step 1.5 to be “Get your life together and get a damn screwdriver.”

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I feel it in my fingers. I feel it in my toes…

“Hiya, kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill: don’t buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free.”

I’d love to tell you I watch Love, Actually once a year, but when Christmastime rolls around I end up watching it about a dozen times. Every second Rowan Atkinson is on screen is pure magic. I eat chocolates with a goofy ass smile on my face and shake my ass during the Prime Minister’s dance scene. And I say in my head, “Dude, go after her!” every time the writer watches his housekeeper walk away, and it always breaks my heart just a little. Basically I turn into a big hairy girl for about an hour and a half.

“Oh, this isn’t a bag, sir… This is SO much more than a bag…”

“Okay, Dad. Let’s do it. Let’s go get the shit kicked out of us by love.”

“There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?”