Category: Adventures In Babysitting

Chris doesn’t have kids. This is what happens when other people give him theirs.

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Adventures In Babysitting: Anatomical Homonyms

HER: Hey, Uncle Christopher. Do you remember at Grandma’s house when we were in the kitchen and you said that someone was being a dick?
ME: (struggling to remember an off-hand comment I made six months ago) …I think so.
HER: What did that mean?
ME: Uh…. Well, you know when someone is being really unlikeable, and disregards other peoples’ feelings, and they’re generally just unpleasant to be around, how that’s called being an asshole? Well that’s what calling someone a dick is like. It’s like calling them an asshole.
HER: Really? Because I thought a dick was another name for a man’s penis.
ME: 😳…
HER: YEAH! I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

Just wait until she discovers that someone can be both a dick and an asshole.

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Adventures In Babysitting: Greg

Babysitting question: I need to have the following conversation professionally evaluated to determine if one or both of us has had a stroke. Is there a neurologist reading this who can provide a diagnosis? Alternately, it could just be that my beautiful little five year old niece is straight up gaslighting me.

ME: Is that Gekko?
HER: No, that’s Greg.
ME: Does he turn into Gekko?
HER: No.
ME: Who does Greg turn into?
HER: I don’t know.
ME: Then what is Gekko’s name?
HER: Greg.

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Adventures In Babysitting: Where The Deer And The Antelope Play

Babysitting question: how much Taste Of The Wild High Prairie grain-free dog food can a ten month old human ingest before medical attention becomes necessary? Same question about a dog and Kroger Italian style supreme pizza. #weareallfinehere #undercontrol

I watched my niece unsupervised for five straight days and she’s still alive. Mark and Jon calculated the risk and rolled the dice. I’m only watching two of their three kids, so if the worst happens, they still have a backup. Besides, I’m only assisting. Their grandmother is here.

Follow up babysitting question: how much dog food does a standard size dog bowl hold? The bag says it has bison in it, which means that technically she ate a healthier meal than I did. The dog has been seriously on my nerves all night so I really don’t care if it dies. But I’m kind of attached to the little human.

Update: She is happy and sound asleep. Apparently bison has both soporific and antidepressant effects on toddlers.

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Adventures In Babysitting: Hydrogen Peroxide

Babysitting question: how does one remove bloodstains from a yellow cotton washcloth? #itsfineeverythingisfine #askingforafriend

Follow up question: where does one purchase a yellow cotton washcloth?

UPDATE: 50 MINUTES!! IT TOOK 50 MINUTES from the time I posted this until I got a phone call. Missy Rowe Woodall, you are slipping!! 😁