A Message To My Penis


Where were you, man? Huh? I was here. She was here. Where the fuck were you?? Answer me, god damn it! WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?!

Do you have any idea how fucking humiliating that was for me? Do you?? And it couldn’t have made her feel very good either. You know this was our first time, right? Why now? Why with her? I was nervous enough as it was, then you pulled your disappearing act on me. Thanks for playing possum, you inconsiderate fuck. Did you think that was funny? Was that a big joke to you? I like her so fucking much, you fucking cocksucker. Yeah, I’m aware that you are a cock, but you’re a cocksucker. You are a cock who sucks cock.

I can still smell her perfume on my skin. Dude, do you have any idea HOW MUCH I FUCKING LIKE HER? How well we click? Everything she was doing was absolutely PERFECT, you fucking piece of shit! Why the fuck did you bail on me? Why in front of her? You have NEVER let me down with a woman before. Never. Why now? You were certainly wide awake looking for attention this morning. I was exhausted from cleaning this fucking house all night, and I still woke up for you an hour earlier than I wanted to and I came through. I got like three hours of shitty, broken sleep, tops, and still I was fucking there. So where were you when I needed you? You were fucking nowhere, you loser douchebag piece of shit. You just left me hanging, so to speak. I guess that’s why they call you a dick. I swear to the dark lord Lucifer and all the fiery minions of Hell, if you have fucked this up for me I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING BALLS. Square. In. The. Nuts.

We’re only 34, dude. THIRTY-FUCKING-FOUR. I should have a good 20 years before I have to start worrying about that kind of shit. Why did you pull that on me now, of all times? And she went down on you. I know you fucking love that. You’re a god damn liar if you say that it’s not your favorite thing in the world. And she was GOOD. So when she was doing it, what was with the half-mast bullshit? You know she thinks I’m hung like a thumb now, right? What the fuck, man? We’ve known each other all of our lives. How the hell could you do that to me?

I don’t know if I have to spell this out or not, but you and I are not friends anymore. From now on we have a working relationship, and that is it. You want a mid-day readjustment? You’re on your own. Jean zippers? Hope you’ve got a helmet, ’cause the days of my watching your back and tucking you safely in are fucking OVER. Also, the next time I jack off you’d better god damn well believe that there will be no lotion. I’m going to hold you nice and tight and crank you for a good 45 minutes. I’m going to work up a good six roper, no matter how long it takes, I don’t care if the friction sets you on fucking fire. You’re gonna be sore for a month. Better change your name to Sparerib, you motherfucker, ’cause from now on you’re getting the dry rub. Also, no more trimming. Hope you like being tangled up in my man thicket, because from this moment forward I’m going to do less crotch grooming than an armless hippy. From now on you can mow your own lawn. Welcome to the jungle, baby.

I mean it, if this freaks her out and costs me a shot with her, YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD. I’ll wrap your base in little rubber bands until you turn black and fall off like an umbilical cord. I’ll turn you into a crotch navel. I will masturbate with an orange zester then stick you in a condom full of kosher salt. I am so god damned pissed off right now. And don’t think that I don’t realize that you’re good and hard now. Too fucking bad. It’s too late. She left. She tried to be nice to you; she WANTED to be nice to you. And you just fucking ignored her. Well, you missed your chance. You’re on your own, pal. Good luck getting yourself off with no fucking arms. The hands belong to me and they both say “Fuck you.”

I’ll see you in the bathroom. Besides that, don’t contact me. This friendship is over.

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