Month: September 2024

Tonight’s episode: “Ridin’ Dirty”

“Hey, Chris,” you might say, “surely the fine people of Newport can’t really be all that bad. They deserve better than your constant mockery.” And perhaps you’re right. The fine people of Newport deserve respect, consideration, and all the finer things in life. Like oxygen, for example. A battered tank of oxygen piped right into their nostrils via a long, clear tube. And that’s not all. They also deserve to go outside in comfort, clothes and social conventions be damned. If the fine people of Newport want to wear their night/hospital gowns outside, then who am I to judge? And if their conical, trunk-like ankles and shins can’t support them, then the fine people of Newport deserve personal transportation in the form of sporty, three-wheeled scooters. Who would deny them that? And if Stanley Spadowski taught us anything, it’s that deep down, in that place inside that makes us human, sometimes what we all deserve is a really, really great mop. A sporty red mop to match our sporty red mobility devices. But if I had to pick one thing, just one single thing on God’s bountiful Earth, that the fine people of Newport deserve above all else, it would be to collect everything I’ve mentioned thus far and take it all for a ride through the drive thru at Arby’s during the lunch rush. Because that’s where I photographed this fine specimen of Newport humanity as she held me up in line for EIGHT MOTHERFUCKING MINUTES while she deafly shouted at the confused teenager in the window, trying with grim persistence to haggle down the price of an extra tub of Bronco Berry Sauce.

I shoulda run this bitch over when I had the chance.

This has been another chilling episode of…