Month: March 2020

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God Is Not Listening

Stop with the fucking Bible verses. If your god gave a shit about you HE WOULDN’T HAVE ALLOWED A PANDEMIC.

Or he’s just not there.

Quit fucking whining. I never said not to pray. Just keep the stupid fucking Bible verses off of Facebook. And while you’re at it, keep the fucking prayers off Facebook, too. Prayers are something you say to your god, not to your Facebook friends. If people really, honestly believed there was a magical sky daddy protecting them, they would go to church secure in the belief that he would protect them from infection. But they don’t, because he won’t, because deep down they know it’s all horse shit.

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Sheeple

Don’t you understand how the Illuminati spreads the coronavirus? They put it in the toilet paper. #wokeupsheeple

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Asswipes

Just snapped this pic in Newport Kroger. Time to hang it up, Dude Wipes. Even in a full blown panic nobody wants your shit. These are just baby wipes with a toxic masculinity makeover. “Oh, I couldn’t POSSIBLY wipe my ass with anything that women and babies use! I ain’t no queer! I need me a Dude Wipe! Made of sandpaper and pinecones, ’cause I’m a manly man. If you ain’t bleeding from the asshole, it ain’t a Dude Wipe!”

Asswipe Update: Just did a 2 AM run to Newport Kroger. Toilet paper restrictions have been further tightened to two per customer, but still no love for the Dude Wipes. As a matter of fact, there may actually be more there than last time. I’m almost rooting for them now, like a coronavirus mascot. I hope they’re on that shelf forever.

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The Great British Baking Show: Walton Edition, Episode 13 – Keanu Reeves Week

Welcome, dudes and dudettes, to a totally triumphant episode of The Great British Baking Show: Walton Edition! Five score and, like, some extra amount of days ago, our intrepid bakers were brought forth upon a most excellent culinary adventure to produce their finest tributes to everyone’s favorite Wyld Stallyn. Now, without further ado, we give you Keanu Reeves Week! Let’s feast!

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Polyhedral

There is residual magic stored in them. It never fully goes away. Kids and other small animals can sense it. You could have them thaumaturgically neutralized by a competent wizard or third circle demon, of course, but even if you did manage to find one, good luck affording their services! No, there are only three practical ways to make used gaming dice truly safe again. You can hide them away and forget you ever owned them. You can give them away to someone else. Or, and this is the method I prefer, you keep them happy by playing with them often and buying them new friends every now and then. It’s really the only way to be sure.