Adventures In Babysitting: Greg

Babysitting question: I need to have the following conversation professionally evaluated to determine if one or both of us has had a stroke. Is there a neurologist reading this who can provide a diagnosis? Alternately, it could just be that my beautiful little five year old niece is straight up gaslighting me.

ME: Is that Gekko?
HER: No, that’s Greg.
ME: Does he turn into Gekko?
HER: No.
ME: Who does Greg turn into?
HER: I don’t know.
ME: Then what is Gekko’s name?
HER: Greg.

Gluten. I rebuke thee!

It may shock those of you who know me well that I would find myself in a church on a Sunday afternoon. What’s even more shocking is the revelation that apparently not even Jesus can save your ass from gluten.

He is risen. For He is truly the Bun Of God. He giveth us this day our daily bread. Thy leavenedly kingdom come. Dough unto others as you would have them dough unto you. For thine is the kingdom, and the flour, and the glory, for ever. Amen.

People have asked if I really saw this in a church because they think I’m just setting myself up for making jokes. But this is a 100% real sign I saw in a Catholic church this Sunday. I couldn’t believe it. Unless they believe Jesus was somehow made of 0.01% gluten, they are basically admitting transubstantiation is bullshit.

I’m not picking on Catholics specifically, because the longer I am removed from religious ideology, the more all religious ceremonies seem creepy and psychologically damaging. But I’ve never seen a church want to avoid a potential lawsuit so badly that they would post a sign that belies one of their core tenets. This particular church seems to think that the power of God works on everything except gluten. I guess God’s powers are like Superman’s x-ray vision: it works on everything except one specific substance. God’s power is almighty and undeniable, unless you have a really crisp cracker or a particularly toothsome flatbread.

The Great British Baking Show: Walton Edition, Episode 2 – Italian Week

Italian Week was a delicious success! From the top left going clockwise we have Mark’s fantastic stromboli, Dan’s homemade gnocchi in parmesan cream sauce, Mandy’s outstanding crème brûlée, and my extremely disappointing sun dried tomato pesto breadsticks. By unanimous agreement, Mandy won Star Baker!

Continue reading “The Great British Baking Show: Walton Edition, Episode 2 – Italian Week”

Adventures In Babysitting: Where The Deer And The Antelope Play

Babysitting question: how much Taste Of The Wild High Prairie grain-free dog food can a ten month old human ingest before medical attention becomes necessary? Same question about a dog and Kroger Italian style supreme pizza. #weareallfinehere #undercontrol

I watched my niece unsupervised for five straight days and she’s still alive. Mark and Jon calculated the risk and rolled the dice. I’m only watching two of their three kids, so if the worst happens, they still have a backup. Besides, I’m only assisting. Their grandmother is here.

Follow up babysitting question: how much dog food does a standard size dog bowl hold? The bag says it has bison in it, which means that technically she ate a healthier meal than I did. The dog has been seriously on my nerves all night so I really don’t care if it dies. But I’m kind of attached to the little human.

Update: She is happy and sound asleep. Apparently bison has both soporific and antidepressant effects on toddlers.


Five people died from vaping and now we’re talking about banning e-cigarettes for the public good. Five. Thank god they weren’t guns. Or regular cigarettes. After millions of cases of lung cancer and the government mandated health warnings on every pack.