Our Digital Father, Who Art Online

Stop asking for prayers on Facebook. If your god wasn’t willing to stop the Holocaust, he’s not going to give one tiny shit that your online friend put in a good word for you to get that minimum wage job at Baby Gap.

“Thanx to all muh prayer warriors!!! Cuz of how big god is, I done gotted that job down at the Whippy Creme wipin down lodes offin the bathroom wall after the trukers cum thru #blessed #goddontmakenojunk”

[UPDATE: A super offended proto-Karen got pissy because Jesus put her in charge of his negative press, apparently. This followed:] You can type all the capital letters you want, but if you believe you can change god’s plan by talking, then god must have had a pretty shitty plan in the first place. [Then she said I must be “going through something” because I disagreed with her.] Honestly, I wasn’t dealing with anything until you and the other chick started posting religious shit on my post. Truthfully, all joking aside, you guys sound like you’re in a cult. It’s creepy.

[Then she said she’d pray to makes god do things.] If you think god is all knowing and all good, why the hell would you ask him to change his plan just because you don’t like what’s going on? It seems arrogant of you to assume you know better than god. Asking him to change plans doesn’t sound like you show god much trust. [Insert more stupidity here.] This is the stupidest fucking thing I have heard all day. If you don’t need to pray to get what you want, why the fuck would you ever pray? That’s like having a car that never runs out of gas, but pulling into a gas station every few days and paying anyway.

[The Christians were relentless this day, my friends. Another would-be savior joined the battle for my soul. I blasphemed just to make him squirm.] Jesus fucking Christ, are we seriously still doing this? Look, I’m not sure how many separate sentences that was supposed to be, but the general message seems to be that you really like your wife and grandkids. So what? Where’s the big miracle? Of course you’re happy with your wife, otherwise you probably wouldn’t have married her. That’s a no brainer. And I know many, many grandparents. But I don’t know very many who don’t adore their grandchildren. What you’re doing is assigning some bullshit supernatural explanation to common human emotions and experiences. God didn’t give you a wife. One of you picked the other one out, and then got that other person to agree with their selection. That’s not a miracle, that’s just dating. People do it successfully all the time, no god required. You’re not blessed, you’re just a regular-ass human being. Welcome to planet Earth.

July 12, 1962

My favorite band and I share a birthday, which is pretty much the most fantastic coincidence ever. The Rolling Stones played their first gig on July 12, 1962. Happy birthday, boys! I know it’s only rock and roll, but I like it. Yes, I do.