Dug In

There is no running water on Mars. That’s bullshit. For DECADES we have been told that Mars is a cold desert. It is written in all the science texts I grew up with, and my parents, and my grandparents before them. Who are these people to come around and tell us that what I know in my heart to be true is all a lie? Where is the proof? I haven’t seen any pictures of water running, or waterfalls, or rapids. How do we know they’re not just making it up? Anybody can just SAY there’s running water on Mars. But I can show you a hundred books written for years and years by top scientists in their fields who can tell you exactly why that is not true. It’s a free country. You can believe anything you want. But you’re an absolute idiot if you can’t see what I’m saying here. There is no running water on Mars. Maybe long ago, but not for millions of years. These people want to lead our children astray down the false path of new “proof” that only they control and disseminate. Are you really going to buy it? From the people in charge now? Come on. Don’t be as stupid as they hope we all are. They’ll say and do ANYTHING to get you to give up the truth. Don’t believe their lies.

Mac is dug in (It's Always Sunny in Philidelphia)


So it turns out I actually CAN successfully replace the magnetron in a microwave. And not get myself electrocuted. I’m counting that as two separate wins.

Something else of note: if you paid for a $1200 top of the line Maytag microwave, what you actually got is a $300 Samsung. Samsung power supply, Samsung magnetron, Samsung circuit board… it was fucking ridiculous.


Quentin Baker absolutely killing it on bass. Me on lead vocals. Elden White on guitars, organ, percussion programming, and generally making Quentin and I look bad. All three of us screeching and hollering near the end. I’ve gotta say, I really fucking enjoy this song.

The inspiration, like most of the ridiculous/awesome things I do, was a girl. A girl overseas, stuck in the Netherlands where I couldn’t get to her. In a fit of childish petulance one day I blurted out, “You know what? Fuck the Netherlands.” As soon as I said it, the song started writing itself in my head. Since it was born of childishness, I decided to be as childish as possible and take advantage of every opportunity to be puerile the song offered. It was a love song with the word ‘Fuck’ in the title, so I decided to work the word into the lyrics as often as I could. 122 times. That’s gotta be some kind of record.

Then I decided the most childish thing to do would be to mock the Netherlands greatest accomplishments and historical figures, so I started doing research. It turns out the Netherlands has contributed an absolutely unimaginable number of awesome things to modern society. So much that I had to cut FOUR full verses out of the song because it was just too damned long. The Netherlands, much to my surprise, is pretty much an all around bad ass country. I had no idea. So I used their accomplishments against them, and that was pretty much that.


I don’t remember having been to a public dump before, so maybe this is normal, but shouldn’t the limit be in multiples of four?