White Pride

If the South really does rise again, it’s gonna need help getting up out of its chair. Also, I don’t understand why these KKK assholes are carrying the Confederate flag. Don’t they know it has nothing to do with racism?

Horse Shit Is All Natural, Too

Opened a jar of natural peanut butter. Spent 45 MINUTES with a butter knife trying to redistribute the half inch of oil into the brick hard peanut sediment. The end result was a sore arm, quasi-arthritic hand, and a pourable brown liquid which smells like peanut butter, tastes somewhat like peanut butter, but wicks moisture out of your mouth with such violent and startling efficiency that I’m seriously considering experimenting with this as a flocculant to spray on maritime oil spills. How is this progress? Peanut butter was so simple. Why? Just why?

I tried using it as a dip for celery and cheese but it’s just terrible. And it has pretty much the same carbs as normal peanut butter, so there’s no benefit. A fail on every level.

UPDATE: I just received this helpful advice: “Store it upside down before opening. The peanut oil is better distributed then and its it easier to mix. Then keep in fridge.” Well, as you should have gathered from the initial post, I already opened it. Besides, that’s a lot of effort for zero return. If I wanted to mix peanut butter before each use I’d just get out my food processor and make it fresh. The idea of natural peanut butter is idiotic anyway. There is nothing at all natural about peanut butter.

Go dig a mine until you’ve hit a vein of salt. Dig chunks of it out of its native rock. Then put it through a series of solvents and dehydration machines which eventually remove all traces of the rock it was in. Then dope it with iodine. Then dry it and mill it into uniform grains that will easily sieve through standard salt shaker holes. Then pull some peanuts out of the ground, wash them in a giant stainless steel tumbler to remove the dirt and bugs. Take some of that table salt from earlier, dissolve in water, and spray it all over those peanuts, then tumble dry. Then roast them in a similar tumbler over propane flames until the nuts inside are crunchy and taste nothing like they used to. Run these roasted nuts through machines that remove the shells, then truck them hundreds of miles to another factory where more of that salt from earlier is added and they are placed in a giant vat to be ground and mashed by powerful blades and worm screws that pump the resulting peanut butter through tubes over masses of oily machinery, where the peanut butter is extruded in premeasured quantities into plastic jars to be sealed with aluminum foil paper and food grade rubber glue. That is how “natural” peanut butter is made. All natural. If that’s as close as my peanut butter is to nature, they may as well go ahead and add a little stabilizer to keep this shit useful. It’s not like I’m picking this off of trees.


Everyone posting about The General Lee: THEY are not banning The Dukes Of Hazzard. THEY are not banning the Confederate flag. THEY is a term you use to describe a faceless tyrant because it feels temporarily good to think you’re the underdog in some noble struggle. But you’re not. It’s a TV show. And THEY do not exist. There’s no nameless draconian conspiracy to rob you of a thirty year old fucking television show that most of you weren’t even watching. It was pulled off the air by TV Land. TV Land is who did it. They have a website, a Twitter account, a Facebook account, and a Tumblr account. Their email addresses, mailing addresses and fax numbers are listed openly on the Viacom website. It’s easy to contact them. And I’m willing to bet the same about Warner Brothers, who pulled the General Lee products. So why the fuck are you bitching on Facebook? If a tenth of you sent emails and faxes and actual goddamned letters to these people, you could probably get this show back on the air within a month. But I’m guessing it’s just easier to bitch and whine and feel butthurt and collect Facebook likes than to fucking DO SOMETHING. I dare you to prove me wrong.

To be clear, this whole thing was caused by nothing more than idiotic corporate panic. TV Land and Warner Brothers are trying to keep up appearances. The truth is that there was never anything racist about The Dukes Of Hazzard. There was a black Sheriff, and although that’s not exactly a fantastic role on a show where law enforcement were almost always corrupt antagonists, it is a black character in a position of authority. That’s not insignificant. Besides, The Dukes featured a ton of black characters in a good light, two of which were played by a couple of my favorite black actors, Ernie Hudson (Ghostbusters) and Kevin Peter Hall (he played the Predators in Predator and Predator 2). The problem isn’t that The Dukes Of Hazzard was racist. It’s that too many people don’t know what racism is.