The Truth Was Down There

I was junk spelunking in the basement, and after nearly THREE DAMN YEARS of fruitless searches, I found it. My X-Files box. All nine seasons and both movies.

If anyone needs me for the next 151 hours and 53 minutes, contact me through unofficial channels. If questioned, I will disavow all knowledge of this communiqué. Somebody’s always paying attention. Someone is always watching.

Trust no one.

Pi Day

Pistachio Lemon Pudding Pie: I actually made this a couple of days before Pi Day, but how am I gonna have a pie gallery and not include this? It was a surprisingly good flavor combination. A little like lemon, a little like pistachio, and a little like tropical flavored Tums antacids, but in a good way. I fully plan on making this again.

Röda Kukrör

Shopping at Ikea, where they absolutely do not sell weird, red dick tubes. They don’t sell weird, red dick tubes AT ALL. This is a photo I took myself, and if anything my camera made the dick heads less pink. These things make me uncomfortable.


As I was seasoning my swai fillets just now, I caught myself berating them aloud, chastising them for believing they were entitled to a free meal, mocking them for being stupid enough to thoughtlessly swallow the first wriggling bait they saw. And as I sprinkled on the last of the lemon juice, still lording my freedom over the fish, explaining to them that their blind greed and stupidity is why they ate the bait and I’d soon be eating them, it occurred to me as I closed the oven door that instead of verbally abusing butchered fish, maybe I should think about getting out of the house, because I have clearly gone CRAZY AS BALLS.

I literally said to them, in what I now recognize was a painfully ironic dumb guy voice, “Oooh, look at me, I’m a fish, I can just eat whatever!” This account is, unfortunately, thoroughly accurate and sadly autobiographical. In defense of the fish, they may have been stupid, but they expertly fulfilled the primary requirement I have of fish, that being that they were goddamned delicious.