Get your geek on.
I was junk spelunking in the basement, and after nearly THREE DAMN YEARS of fruitless searches, I found it. My X-Files box. All nine seasons and both movies.
If anyone needs me for the next 151 hours and 53 minutes, contact me through unofficial channels. If questioned, I will disavow all knowledge of this communiqué. Somebody’s always paying attention. Someone is always watching.
Trust no one.
I respect a cereal that’s willing to be geometrically correct.
Pistachio Lemon Pudding Pie: I actually made this a couple of days before Pi Day, but how am I gonna have a pie gallery and not include this? It was a surprisingly good flavor combination. A little like lemon, a little like pistachio, and a little like tropical flavored Tums antacids, but in a good way. I fully plan on making this again.
Shopping at Ikea, where they absolutely do not sell weird, red dick tubes. They don’t sell weird, red dick tubes AT ALL. This is a photo I took myself, and if anything my camera made the dick heads less pink. These things make me uncomfortable.
Sir Terence David John Pratchett, April 28, 1948 – March 12, 2015
As I was seasoning my swai fillets just now, I caught myself berating them aloud, chastising them for believing they were entitled to a free meal, mocking them for being stupid enough to thoughtlessly swallow the first wriggling bait they saw. And as I sprinkled on the last of the lemon juice, still lording my freedom over the fish, explaining to them that their blind greed and stupidity is why they ate the bait and I’d soon be eating them, it occurred to me as I closed the oven door that instead of verbally abusing butchered fish, maybe I should think about getting out of the house, because I have clearly gone CRAZY AS BALLS.
I literally said to them, in what I now recognize was a painfully ironic dumb guy voice, “Oooh, look at me, I’m a fish, I can just eat whatever!” This account is, unfortunately, thoroughly accurate and sadly autobiographical. In defense of the fish, they may have been stupid, but they expertly fulfilled the primary requirement I have of fish, that being that they were goddamned delicious.
WE ARE THE CAFFEINATED. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. WE WILL ADD YOUR BIOLOGICAL AND TECHNOLOGICAL DISTINCTIVENESS TO OUR OWN. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
Black coffee ice cubes. Because coffee can be great cold, but NEVER diluted.
This idea occurred to me last night when I realized I had coffee too hot to drink when I wanted to drink it, but I didn’t want it thinned out by putting regular ice in it. BTW, here’s a tip: when you take the cubes out of the tray, there is a brown residue left on the tray and on your fingers. DO NOT TASTE IT. It is coffee times a thousand. It’s too goddamned much.
Iamperfectlyfinedansobackthefuckupoffmycoffeeandslowyourroll!
Seriously, you’ll want to taste this. The curiosity will drive you mad. But don’t do it.