Unemployed “Actor” Kirk Cameron’s Ability To Insert Dick Shaped Objects Into Mouth Proves God’s Existence

For over twenty years, we, as a united species, made the unspoken but unanimous decision to completely ignore the existence of Kirk Cameron. It was as if he had never been. And now that we have allowed him back into our collective consciousness, look at the state of the world. Coincidence? I hardly think so. Under my administration, threats like this will not be tolerated. Say no to Kirk Cameron. And say yes to Christopher Woodall. #Woodall2016

The Hodges Fragment

I’ve heard of people wishing their plane would crash. Fucking pussies. I’m hoping for a meteorite strike followed by catastrophic midair disintegration. Who wants to die in a fucking airline chair? I’ll take the 38,000 foot swan dive.