They Just Don’t Make ‘Em Like They Used To, Huh?

“The structure of this roof cap is exactly like the kind of telemetry tracker that NASA uses to identity dead pulsars in deep space… Something terrible is about to enter our world and this building is obviously the door. The architect’s name was Ivo Shandor; I found it in Tobin’s Spirit Guide. He was also a doctor. Performed a lot of unnecessary surgery. Then, in 1920, he started a secret society… After the first World War, Shandor decided that society was too sick to survive. And he wasn’t alone. He had close to a thousand followers when he died. They conducted rituals up on the roof; bizarre rituals intended to bring about the end of the world, and now it looks like it may actually happen.”


Saved By The Bell is on. It is exactly as terrible and unwatchable as I remember. How did this show stay on the air? And why the hell are they showing two solid hours of it??

Why am I doing this to myself? I’m watching because I wanted to see if it was really as bad as I remembered, or if maybe I was unfairly harsh as a kid. Turns out I wasn’t harsh enough. It is AWFUL. I literally sat here and tried for five minutes to find something to like about it. I found nothing.


Poor HIV is over in the corner, waving meekly, as if to say, “I’m still around. Remember me?” AIDS has become the Val Kilmer of modern plagues.

Joss Prayers

What the fuck is up with people asking for prayers but refusing to say for what? Are prayers like Jesus cash, and you can just spend them on whatever you want? That’s fucking sketchy. If I won’t give a homeless man cash he might spend on drugs or booze, why the hell would I give you my spiritual soul money you could use for something far more damaging?

Electro-Turkey Porch Light Blues

My porch light went out, but nothing else, so I wasn’t too concerned. I let it go for a week or so. Turns out it was the breaker. Also turns out there are only two very unrelated things on that breaker: the porch light, and the refrigerator down in the basement. Losing the sherbet and the frozen apple pie doesn’t bother me. It’s the 12 pounds of aggressively rotting ground turkey that concerns me. I have never smelled ANYTHING like this. I thought I might honestly pass out. I may skip Thanksgiving this year. I may, in fact, never eat turkey again.

I just cleaned it out. I decided to let it freeze again first, which turned out to be a good plan. It cut the smell a LOT. But even still, I have to go back down there and bleach the everloving fuck out of that freezer. The stench is repulsive.

I just don’t understand who the fuck mounts a light on the front exterior of a house then ties that to a line in the middle of the basement. They don’t share a wall. They’re nowhere near each other. And they are the only two things in the house on that circuit. Whomever wired it decided to pass up every single line running to the kitchen, where the light is mounted on the exterior, as well as all the lines in the basement under the kitchen, and instead tie it into the lone fridge outlet in the middle of the basement. I am by no means an electrician, but I just don’t get it.


You know how we have these ISIS assholes that keep messing with us? And you know how we have these infectious Ebola people we don’t know where to send? You give me problems, I find solutions. That’s all I’m saying. #Woodall2016