Corporate Theocracy

So, because they hate abortion so much, Hobby Lobby pushes an agenda that will result in more unwanted pregnancies and almost certainly increase abortion rates. And in order to make sure this ruling falls in line with their party’s political agenda, the justices on the fucking Supreme Court set a precedent that corporations can ignore federal law by simply claiming anything they don’t like is against their religion. Jesus fucking Christ…

One of the most disturbing aspects of this ruling is that it sets a precedent for allowing businesses to define medical terms. The four contraceptives the companies were suing against do not cause abortions. They prevent fertilization in the first place. Doctors and reproductive specialists testified to this point. But yet Justice Samuel Alito wrote “The owners of the businesses have religious objections to abortion, and according to their religious beliefs the four contraceptive methods at issue are abortifacients.” Read that carefully. Not the contraceptives ARE abortifacients, and therefore violate their religious beliefs. No, they are allowed to just decide for themselves if something is an abortion or not, despite having no medical expertise. Their religion gets to define what an abortion is.

What’s to stop their religion from defining what cancer is? What’s to stop their religion from defining a condition or disease as a God given punishment for which an operation or medicine could be seen as blasphemy? Or whether a psychological condition is actually demonic possession to be treated by a priest instead of a certified psychologist? The implications of this ruling are fucking chilling. This seems like an enormous step backwards, not just for women, but for science and medicine in this country. This disgusts me.

Fuck Pit Bulls

Pit bull owners are becoming more and more like vegans, religious fundamentalists, and Apple users: obsessed, unwilling to see the flaws, and completely unable to shut the fuck up about it. You have a pit bull that’s leash trained and has never mauled anyone? Well, congratufuckinglations, you’ve met the MINIMUM societal standard for pet owners. Welcome to level zero. Now go fuck yourself.

Endless reports of people being attacked followed by endless pit bull owners’ comments as to how we shouldn’t blame the poor defenseless little savage animals that just tore a child’s face off. There was even some sort of march or protest downtown by pit bull owners in response to whatever imagined slight they decided to blow out of proportion this week. I have the same problem with these people that I have with any obsessed group: they have no sense of scale. They think because they love something that they should be allowed unrestricted, unregulated access to it, without regard for the safety others. And they never stop running their fucking mouths about it. EVER.

Before you send me messages telling me that it’s a problem with the owners, not the dogs, do me a favor and show me how many pit bull owners have mauled people. How many pit bull owners have used their mouths to kill children? This is the same stupid fucking argument gun control detractors use: “[this proven lethal thing I like] doesn’t kill people, people kill people.” Just shut the fuck up. I’m sure you’ll hold a march or benefit or some stupid rally full of other likeminded dumbasses. Please be sure to plan the parade route right by my house very early in the morning, so I will be sure to be awakened by your angry, ill conceived chants about perceived infringement of rights that you have never actually had.


Kasey Kasem played the voice of Cliffjumper in the 1980s Transformers series. In the 1986 movie, Cliffjumper provided the pre-launch countdown before the launch of a critical shuttle mission. The countdown. It’s 28 years later, and I JUST got the joke. Well played, Mr. Kasem. And now, on with the countdown!

The scene is in no way played for laughs, and it’s in the beginning of the story, so it is in the midst of building tension and action. Trust me, I’ve seen this movie FAR more than any mentally healthy person ever should, so if anyone should be kicking himself it’s me. But I’m cutting myself some slack on this one, because the animation during this whole sequence is just so goddamned PRETTY. Your eyes really do kind of take over and you get pulled into the moment. I didn’t think it was possible, but I think I may actually love this movie a little more now. After almost 30 years, it’s given me something new to smile about.

My description here is for anyone who might read this and have no clue what the hell I’m going on about. I find it’s safe to assume whomever I’m talking to has never seen The Transformers: The Movie. You have no idea how many people in my presence have referred to that 2007 Michael Bay travesty as the “first” Transformers movie. And every time, I can feel the adamantium claws just aching to pop out.

The Good News

Many people have found The Bible to boring, self contradictory, and more than a wee bit preachy. Fortunately the publishers of the Good News New Testament have included in their Bible a handy way to get around those problems: “It is probably best not to try to read more than one to three chapters at one sitting… Do not do lengthy research… Read the passage quickly…”

If I gave this same advice to a kid about his school work, I’d be a complete asshole and part of the reason he failed. But when it comes to the state and resting place of your immortal soul, the attitude of the American Bible Society is more like, “Eh, fuck it. Just skim for the key words. We’ll sell you another book later to tell you what to think.”

One-Sentence Reviews: Cosmos

If I could convey just one sentiment to the makers of Cosmos, I’d skip my overwhelming gratitude and amazement and instead go with a much more urgent and deeply felt request: MORE.

Fuck Utah

2022 Update: Above is a 2020 pamphlet distributed by clergy of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to 14 year old girls before a dance.

I find it ironic that Utah, a state dominated by a religion that institutionalized forced marriages, child brides, statutory rape, and polygamy, would have the gall to challenge the rights of gay people to be married there. Hey, Mormons, would it make you more comfortable if the older gay guy was marrying four or five 12 year old boys against their will? Because you seemed pretty cool with that arrangement when that was the way you treated little girls.

Education: The eradication of child abuse begins with building informed, empowered communities with the courage to talk openly about this difficult issue. Child abuse, particularly child sexual abuse, is a crime of secrecy. As high-profile cases capture media attention, social outrage continues to drive the conversation out of the shadows.

Start the dialogue. Inspire others to talk openly. Open conversation is the most effective tool we have to eradicate child abuse.

Parents: Educate your children about child abuse in an age-appropriate way. If you’re uncertain how to approach it, contact your child’s physician or a local Children’s Justice Center to learn ways to approach this conversation. Recognize and report suspected abuse. 
Learn the signs and symptoms of abuse.
• Be aware of the reality of child abuse in Utah and across the nation.
• Know the role and impact of the Children’s Justice Centers Program.
• Report abuse when it is suspected. Contact law enforcement or child protective services to get help.