This is becoming more and more common. The bar on the corner has electric wheelchairs parked outside. You stay classy, NKY! Also, I just noticed that the one on the street is parked illegally. I’m tired of these geriatric scofflaws and ne’er-do-wells terrorizing my town.
It seems to me the biggest threat to the freedom guaranteed by the 2nd Amendment is the current glut of open-carry idiots. A pack of guys bringing military assault rifles into a fucking Chipotle is not an exercise of rights, it’s an exercise in stupidity. It’s only a matter of time before someone gets hurt and harsh restrictions come down that curtail the freedoms of ALL gun owners.
You don’t live in an African warlord’s territory, nor do you live in a third-world South American drug village. You live in The United States Of America – fucking act like it. If your dick is so small and you are so scared that you can’t feel secure in the untamed, thrill-a-minute, fast food jungle of a fucking Chipotle without military equipment, maybe you’re not ready for the outside world. Maybe you’re better off staying at home and ordering in. Or maybe take one of your precious guns, chamber one round, put the barrel in your mouth, and have a meal of a different kind. I’d much rather your head be blown off than someone who’s biggest crime was that they liked shitty burritos. Grow up, dickless. This isn’t the Wild West, and you sure as FUCK aren’t John Wayne.
Also, go to a better burrito place. I will agree that the TASTE of Chipotle is fine. But every time I go there the veggies and salsa are so ice cold that by the time I eat my burrito, the meat and rice are cold, too. And if I wait to get home to nuke it, the microwave wilts the lettuce into limp, nasty weeds. It’s so frustrating because they have the best barbacoa. But the coldness – I just can’t get past it. And until recently I didn’t even know Chipotle served carnitas. To be honest, I’m pretty spoiled by Cuban style carnitas, so Chipotle is gonna have to cook some damn fine pork to impress me.
Now that gay is cool I’m getting pretty sick of authors retconning characters as homosexuals. Could you be any more pandering? First Dumbledore, then Golden Age Green Lantern, now whomever from the dragon training movie. If you want to have a positive gay character, write one. Write a competent, intelligent, morally upright character who is openly gay and secure in his or her sexuality without being defined by it. Don’t tack it on years after the fact when it’s safe. Take a risk and stand for something, you fucking pussies. I’m not even gay and this insults the hell out of me.
And it’s always a supporting character that gets outed, you ever notice that? Never the lead. Here are a couple of retcons I would cheer for: Tony Stark or James Bond. They’re witty, well dressed, stylish, affluent men. That’s at least 50% gay right there. Write into their histories that the reason they are such notorious poon hounds is classic overcompensation for repressed homosexuality, and they have reached the point in their lives where they have the internal comfort and confidence to accept themselves for who they are. THAT would be standing up for gay equality. THAT would be a bold show of support for gay people as well as a show of confidence in your character and audience. THAT would be a gay retcon I could respect. And that’s why it’ll never happen.
2022 Update: Chris here, and I’m pleased to announce I have been proven wrong. I can happily report to you that DC has made Tim Drake, the current Robin, officially bisexual. A high profile character coming out of the closet as bi is a good move which makes sense with the story. Having it be a male character shows guts. But having it be a high profile male character with an active role in an ongoing series is dedication. Now THIS is a retcon I can support.
True story: I don’t think I ever met him, but I had a first cousin once removed named Junior, who, as I understand it, was a complete piece of shit. At his funeral the preacher, in lieu of an eulogy, apologetically admitted that he could think of nothing positive to say about about Junior, and asked if any of the few people who showed up would like to say anything. Only family members had come to the service, and not one of them came forward. The most positive commentary I’ve heard anyone said that day was from Junior’s cousin, who said to my uncle, “Well, the asshole’s dead.” Until today I thought Junior’s was the bitterest memorial I’d ever heard of. But I think this might have it beat.
I went to Free Comic Book Day at Arcadian Comics in Newport, KY. Monmouth Street. Arcadian is THE place to go on Free Comic Book Day. Most places have a limit of two free comics, and so does Arcadian. But if you make a purchase, they raise the limit to four. And if you donate $1 to the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund, they add one more. No other place I know of does that. Plus, they always have tons of free posters, magazines, swag, etc.
I like Arcadian, but I’m not regular enough to know the staff. While I was figuring out which free comics I wanted, a guy with an 1890s handlebar moustache started talking to me, and repeatedly called me “cupcake.” I considered that he may have been hitting on me, but I wasn’t getting a gay vibe from this dude. I was getting plenty other vibes. “Out of work lion tamer.” “Circus ringmaster at his day job.” “Failed steampunk mad scientist.” “Guy who definitely knows where to buy absinthe and laudanum.” But not gay. Nevertheless, he persisted in chatting me up, repeatedly calling me “cupcake,” and speaking more and more intensely. He was harmless enough up to that point, but he was really starting to weird me the hell out.
To let this guy know I was definitely not interested, I killed time in the checkout line chatting with the hip, super attractive, very friendly black girl behind me. All of those things – black girls, hip girls, very friendly girls, and super attractive girls interested in speaking to me – are rare in Arcadian. In fact, until that very instant, I had found NONE of them there before. And finding all those things in one package was akin to opening the Ark Of The Covenant and finding Elvis inside, drinking from the Holy Grail, with the Maltese Falcon stuck up his ass. She was charming. She was beautiful. And after 10 minutes of flirty conversation I realized she was, in fact, a dude.
So much for my plan to let Mr. Moustache know I wasn’t gay.
Speaking of our mustachioed madman, I had been keeping one eye on him while I was chatting in line. With the same growing intensity with he had spoken to me, he had moved on to other targets, and he was calling EVERYONE “cupcake.” I realized he didn’t mean it sexually; every human being, man, woman, and child alike, was “cupcake” in his eyes. Makes me feel a little less special now that I think about it. In any case, the place was getting more and more crowded by the minute, and the checkout line was getting long. So Mr. Moustache casually slid behind the counter and started ringing up patrons.
He fucking WORKED there.
Weirdness aside, it was a great Free Comic Book Day. In addition to free comics, Arcadian was also giving away candy bars and full size Thor: The Dark World theatrical posters. And every year they have a selection of newer titles they reduce to $1 for people who might want to check out a new series without shelling out excessive cash. I got an Uncanny X-Men #1 (cover price $3.99), Origin II #1 (plastic cover variant, cover price $4.99), and giant sized Superman Unchained #1 (cover price $4.99), all for just a buck each. And at least one of the staff thinks I’m a cupcake. This place is most definitely my new comic shop.
I couldn’t sleep so I spent the night researching beta decay and neutron superfluids and writing a brief dissertation verifying my assertion that Thor’s hammer cannot be made from the material in a neutron star.
As I was finally drifting off, just about five minutes ago, I was awakened by a parade of several hundred children in brightly colored baseball uniforms marching as teams down my street, leading fire trucks with lights flashing. But not the main thoroughfare; this parade was on my shitty little side street. Alright, universe, you wanna get weird? Let’s get fuckin’ WEIRD.