“Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m real…”
“I’ve been walking Central Park, singing after dark. People think I’m crazy…”
In 2013, Hanukkah and Thanksgiving will coincide for only the second time. The last time was 1888, and the next time will be in the year 79,811. I’m not Jewish, but I’m celebrating it. I missed my last chance, and next time it rolls around I’ll probably be too old to care.
A full 90% of these fuckers at the North Pole are complete assholes. I’d have told that fat bastard Claus to go fuck himself.
“Hey, remember that birth defect we all, including your own father, mocked and derided you for? Well I just found out that it’s useful to me, so now I want you on my team. Congratulations!” Fuck you, you obese cocksucker. Guide your own goddamned sleigh. I hope you crash into a mountainside and die of hypothermia. I hope your dick freezes and snaps like a candy cane. You spend all fucking year KNOWING you’re going to be flying in winter, and you don’t do a god damn thing to prepare for it. Go to AutoZone and buy some fucking halogen hi-beams. You live in a fucking castle with an army of worker elves and magical flying animals; I’m pretty sure you have the resources to acquire the same technology found in a 25 year old Ford Taurus. Lazy fucking prick.
My phone’s dictionary doesn’t contain the word “broccoli.” When I type in “broccoli” it autocorrects it to “neocolonialism.” Who the fuck programs these things??
I’m just saying, even if you absolutely loathe broccoli, it has got to be a million times more likely that you will type “broccoli” than you will ever fucking type “neocolonialism.” I’m not sure I’ve ever even heard that word before.
Tsutomu Yamaguchi was in Hiroshima on a business trip when the bomb was detonated. He spent the night in Hiroshima, then took a train back to his hometown… Nagasaki. He returned home on August 8, one day before the nuke was dropped there, which he also survived. That was 1945. He died at the age of 93, in 2010. Hey, Japan: HARVEST THIS MAN’S DNA. The world could use an invincible superhero.
Pepsi is chock full of vitamins,
Chock full of minerals,
High in fiber and electrolytes!
Pepsi repels mosquitos,
Will lower the crime rate,
Brings old people back to life!
When you drink a Pepsi
You can understand
What elephants say to other elephants!
If you’re taking a cab,
And you need some change,
You can ask Pepsi, it’ll loan you a dollar.
‘Cause Pepsi likes everyone!… except for its father; they had a bad relationship. But nobody’s perfect. Before you judge Pepsi, look in the mirror. When was the last time you called your dad?
So grateful to be alive on this beautiful Sabbath, sharing in fellowship and worship in praise of His might and glory. Amen!
And the doctor says you’ll be okay,
And if you’d only stay away,
From femme fatales and dirty bitches,
And daylight drabs and nighttime witches,
And working girls and blue stockings,
And dance hall babes and body poppers,
And waitresses with broken noses, checkout girls striking poses, politicians’ garish wives with alcoholic cunts like knives…
Halloween decorations are down. Now I just live in a boring, stupid old house again.