
My house just got visited by the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. This is the best goddamned holiday ever.
OMFG this severe weather they warned us about is so severe! We are experiencing gusts of up to THREE MILES PER HOUR and the most impersistent, weak drizzle on record. I literally just watched a child die in the streets. Protect your children! May God have mercy on us all! The limp, bloated bodies of children in tattered costumes litter the gutters here. I’ve counted forty so far. The lucky ones were struck by lightning and killed instantly. If only parents would have heeded the dire warnings of the weather men and the doomsaying local news. So many children lost… so many children…
What the hell is the deal with communities canceling trick-or-treating because of rain? Way to piss off parents and teach children to be pussies. Have you never heard of umbrellas? It’s Halloween, for fuck’s sake! Kids will dress up and walk through fire for that candy. Let ’em!
UPDATE: A whiny parent accused me of making Halloween about kids being tough enough to handle weather. Actually, the weather report I just watched said spotty showers and gusts. I didn’t hear anything about the doom typhoon they described. But that’s not the point. I never said anything about seeing how tough a kid is. Kids will go out in any kind of weather for trick-or-treating. It’s not the kids I have the problem with, because it’s not the kids who cancel things. It’s overprotective adults who hyperbolize every potential hazard and treat children as if they’re so fragile that everything will break them. That’s the problem. If you treat a child like he or she is weak and broken, eventually you’ll be right. Besides, you’re kind of making my point. Two-year-old kids don’t have a concept of Halloween. They don’t get why it’s cool and weird and unusual. They aren’t developed enough to get it. If you’re taking a two-year-old out trick-or-treating you’re not doing it for the toddler. You’re doing it for you.
The forecast “…the POSSIBILITY… wind GUSTS…” WHAT A SURPRISE. The weather wasn’t bad at all, and every kid I gave candy to was having a blast despite the drizzle and mild wind. I love being right. That’s why I do it so often. I’m not trying to beat a dead horse here, but I live about half a mile from downtown. Trick or treat time was 6-8, and I never went inside that whole time. If there were 50 mph winds, I promise you I would have felt them. There were not.
I thought of a couple of good rainy Halloween costumes myself. The Gorton’s Fisherman is my favorite. The kid dressed up as the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man had it made. It was an inflatable costume, so he was insulated and the rain rolled right off him. It wasn’t cold, but I bet it could have dropped fifteen degrees and he never would have felt it.