TALES FROM NEWPORT!

Tonight’s episode: “The VMAs”

KROGER CASHIER: Did you find everything ok today?

ME: Yes.

KROGER CASHIER: (suddenly intensely excited) Did you watch the VMAs?!

ME: …No.

KROGER CASHIER: OH…

KROGER CASHIER: MY…

KROGER CASHIER: GOD!!

This has been another chilling episode of…

TALES FROM NEWPORT!

Tonight’s episode: “The Library – Epilogue”

Last time on TALES FROM NEWPORT!, I heard what I suspected was a man in a motorized wheelchair masturbating in the CD aisle of my local library. Was I right? Was he pulling his periodicals? Rubbing his references? Making library paste? It seemed the world would never know. But then…

DUN DUN DUUUUNN!!

This has been another chilling episode of…

A Good Day To Watch Something Else

I’m trying to think of a more irritating waste of time and money than this new Die Hard travesty, but nope.

The shittiness of a film is usually directly proportional to the amount of needless blue filter used in said film. Seeing as the entirety of Moscow was blue and inhabited by pale green people, I’m guessing the filmmakers were unaware of this ratio. Is there something wrong with the fucking sun in Moscow? Is it on a different planet? Why the fuck does it look like this?

And what the fuck is up with the shaky camera and the constant zooms? I don’t need an extreme close up of every ugly hack actor in this movie. I’m 15 minutes in and I’m goddamn done. I’m fairly certain I could eat Taco Bell at every meal for seven straight days, squat over some blank pages, and shart out a better script than this. Fuck you in the asshole, Bruce Willis. I’m going to bed.