Gerber wants to be my life insurance provider. Because they know me so well.
I love how pissed everyone is about the endless royal baby updates. Now you know how I feel when you fuckers won’t stop posting about Jesus and sports.
Muslims complain that Americans paint all Middle Eastern people as backward, misogynistic, savage zealots. And we do. And shit like this is why.
In x days I will be x5 + xx + x years old.
Or x^(xx + x/x) + xx + x, if you prefer it without numerals.
Tonight’s episode: “The Library”
So I’m in the library and decided to hit the CD section, when a fat old man in a motorized wheelchair goes in before me. I decide to give him some space, and once he’s out of sight, the breathy grunting begins.
“Uhh… grrnff…” Then the wheelchair starts squeaking and making odd electrical hums. More sexual grunts followed by the clatter of falling CDs, then a whispery, “Unhh, Thompson. Yes!”
I moved away to the emotional safety of the DVD aisle where I could still hear CDs falling off the shelves, accompanied by his labored, apparently close to orgasm stage whispers of “Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. Yeah, you motherfucker…” This place is fucking crowded, but no one else seems to notice. How can I be the only one hearing this???
Pictured: A completely different wheelchair-bound pervert
By the way, when I said, “I’m in the library,” I wasn’t being folksy with the past tense. I am in the library right now, as I am typing this. This is ongoing. People are just walking around like everything is cool. I feel like that kid in The Sixth Sense. How can no one else notice this?
Jesus fucking Christ, he just rounded the corner and looked at me. I need a shower just from looking at him. And he’s not even holding any CDs. I guess he’s a blow and go kinda perv. At least clean up after yourself, you nasty, inconsiderate bastard. Librarians don’t get paid enough to deal with this kind of shit.
Pro tip: When visiting the Newport branch of the Campbell County Public Library, avoid checking out or even touching audio recordings by any artist named Thompson. Me, I’m just gonna skip the whole fucking aisle. Shit like this is why people pirate. Please excuse me while I go get that Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind surgery to have this day obliterated from my memory. There’s some shit I just don’t want rattling around up there.
This has been another chilling episode of…