You Know When It’s Real

I have a fantasy where Flo from Progressive and the new, hot Wendy from Wendy’s are kissing, deeply, slowly, dripping with red hot passion and aching sensuality. I now cannot see either of them without picturing them in locked in a lovers’ embrace of pure feminine sexuality and desire. And now that you’ve read this, you won’t be able to, either.


I’m not a coffee guy, but even I can tell Tim Horton’s coffee is unusually delicious. And the extra large is only $1.90. And adding a pumpkin spice flavor shot is free. And sugar free. I’m just gonna put this out there, and I don’t want you to feel like you have to say it back or anything, but… I love you, Canada.

2023 UPDATE: The last nine years have transformed the first five words of this post into the single funniest thing I’ve ever written.


Tonight’s episode: “The Little Old Lady Behind Me At Kroger”

CASHIER: “Welcome to Kroger, ma’am, how are you today?”

LITTLE OLD LADY: “Well, I’m pretty sure death’s not far off. (holds up a frozen turkey pot pie) These are on sale, right?”

This has been another chilling episode of…

Be sure to tune in next time. Keep ’em coming, Newport, I love ya!