So I’m watching Alex Lifeson play “Subdivisions” last night, and I suddenly realize he’s playing my guitar! The same damn model, sans pickguard. And I thought, “Wow, it just goes to show that in the hands of a master, even a $300 guitar can make extraordinary music.” So I google some pics from the show and it turns out he’s not playing my knock-off model. He’s playing a $4,000 Gibson that’s fucking named after him. So fuck me, really, is the moral of the story.

UPDATE: Someone commented the following regarding our mutual friend Kenny, a lifelong one-upper: “Kenny’s guitar is bigger though.”

True. Kenny paid more for his, and it gets him more women than mine ever could. Also his sounds better and he’s the only one skilled enough to play it, because the strings are made from platinum and the amp is powered by tornadoes and lightning.


Took a diarrhea suppressant. Didn’t work for shit.

Apologies to those who called or sent texts over the past week or so. Been out of cell range looking after post-op parental units, only to get sick myself and spend the last few days curled up in bed praying for a swift death. I’m home now, but apparently my phone is not going to give me my back messages, so let me answer the one question everyone is asking: no, I did not get your text.