Carnivore

I have, in the last 24 hours, eaten beef, chicken, pork, venison, elk, wild boar, octopus, kangaroo, squid, alligator, buffalo, ostrich, and a piece of unidentified fish. Those of you with pets or slow moving children would be well advised to keep them out of my path, because apparently no member of the animal kingdom is safe from me this weekend.

TALES FROM NEWPORT!

Tonight’s episode: “Vanilla Rage/Cold Stone Crazy”

If you are in front of me at Cold Stone and you waste 15 minutes asking questions and tasting samples and then order a bowl of PLAIN VANILLA FUCKING ICE CREAM, I should be legally allowed to punch you until there is blood in your stool. It should be goddamned encouraged.

And why the FUCK would anyone need to sample vanilla? It’s VANILLA. If you know enough to go to a Cold Stone Creamery, then you already know what vanilla fucking ice cream tastes like. I steadfastly refuse to believe otherwise. If you can PRONOUNCE vanilla, you’ve tasted it. It’s standard. It’s ubiquitous. IT’S FUCKING VANILLA. Why not sample the tap water while you’re at it? “Yes, can I try just a sip of the house tap, please? I’d like to know what water tastes like before I commit.”

My god, I am so pissed off about this. You’ve had vanilla ice cream, dumb bitch! Get the fuck out of the line! Why do I even come to this stupid town? Jesus Christ.

This has been another chilling episode of…

Derby Day

♫ We will sing one song for the old Kentucky home. For the old Kentucky home far away. ♪

I won four Derby bets this weekend, an official Derby glass, and had tons of bourbon. I love being a Kentuckian.

Guns N' Roses - Dead Flowers, RARE

“Well, when you’re sitting back in your rose pink Cadillac
Making bets on Kentucky Derby Day
I’ll be in my basement room with a needle and a spoon
And another girl to take my pain away…”