“We are all well aware of the fact that Tom Cruise is a fucking whack job… With that in mind I would love to tell you Mission: Impossible: III was such a craptastic waste of celluloid, I wouldn’t even use the reel of film to wipe my ass… But I can’t.”Continue reading “Dan reviews “Mission: Impossible: III””
That rat bastard. That swindler. Is nothing sacred? How about a little honesty with your fans, you no-necked has-been. What’s got me so upset? George Lucas is releasing the original Star Wars Trilogy on DVD. The original, unaltered, non-Special-Edition, Han Shoots First, original trilogy, once referred to as the Immaculate Trilogy. The one thing fans have wanted since the DVD medium was introduced, he’s finally going to deliver. So why am I so upset?
That bastard damned near swore on a bible that he’d never release the original unaltered trilogy. The party line was that the Special Edition was his true vision for the original trilogy and would henceforth be the only true version.
Now, I’m only mentioning this because, well, it’s true: I own what I considered to be the last untainted version of Star Wars. It was a full trilogy boxed set, VHS widescreen with remastered Dolby 2.0 sound. I actually thought I’d lost it until I was at my friend’s house a year or two ago and saw it. I remarked that I used to have a copy like that to which he informed me that that was my copy. Happy, I retrieved it and celebrated having a copy of Star Wars with good sound and, more importantly, Han shooting Greedo. The original didn’t turn Mos Eisley into a Jawa comedy scene. The original didn’t turn Jabba’s palace into a premiere Tatooine jazz club. It had an ewok song that echoes fondly in my heart, despite the cutesy scene of Wicket the Fuckwit, Leia cocaines-a-helluva-drug Organa and Han ‘Mr.Sarcastic’ Solo hugging. — One day I’ll regale you with why I hate Return of the Jedi so much, but not now. —
Technically, those are my only complaints about the Special Editions. I like ‘em actually. With the except the wacky antics on Tatooine, most every other “Special Edition” change was, well, special. Which is what pisses me off even more.
I only bought that god damned Special Edition because I knew there was no way I’d ever own a great quality copy of the original. I put in my VHS tapes a year ago to show a Star Wars virgin some of the changes and was shocked, shocked I say, at the contrast in quality between the Special Edition DVDs and the VHS (Very Hazy Shitvision) versions. I only bought it because you said I could never have the original! You bastard! You moved the headstones but you left the body, didnj’ya! You only moved the headstones! Bleaaeae!
I have to buy this new trilogy when it comes out (limited time only, September 12th through December!). I really don’t have a choice. I was burned time and time again by the hope and expectations of the prequels – burned so badly that at first viewing I actually enjoyed them, until a few days later I’d think back in review and realize: WTF WAS I THINKING?! (Although, I’m still a pretty big fan of Revenge of the Sith, as long as you fast forward through any scene with Padme talking.)
“…I knew that I had to see Serenity. My geek credentials were on the line, and in a very real danger of being revoked. Finally, due to a few extraordinary events at home, I found myself at the movie rental place du jour and there was Serenity. I had no choice but to take it home.”Continue reading “Q’s Geek Reputation Saved By Serenity”