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Turkitron’s Returnification III: The Quickening

turkitron01resize.jpgHappy Thanksgiving, primitive ape-race.

THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO I ran for treasurer of student council. It involved a lot of hard work. We decorated many cookies. We spent all night putting up green frosting and then we drew up many posters. But the principle called me down to her office and informed me that I had violated election rules. That is what Sister Margaret kept telling me, if I displayed my |physically| agenda in her bathroom. |Stall| fourteen execute !STOP fatal error on volatile hard media error at sector(S) 111.11, 115651.42.1 AND 986.5.1.6.5… SYNTAX ERROR – INVALID COMMAND CODE… [[[[WHAT]{ }[THE] ]{[HELL]]} {[IS]}}}} [[HAPPENING??]]}} !@#$%,>.@. </&@,<$&@ $???

[Are we in? Dude, are we in? We are so in, aren't we? In balls deep! Hells, yeah, we're in. Like I was in your mom last night...]

[Shut up, Err. Establishing visual contact...]

[I'll establish some contact... with your mom's poon.]

Greetings, Earthlings. I am Ignignokt and this is Err.


I am Err.

We are the Mooninites, from the inner core of the moon. Our race is hundreds of years beyond yours. Some would say that the Earth is our moon. But that would belittle the name of our moon, which is: The Moon.

Point is: we're at the center, not you.

Using an advanced moon computer we have hacked into the laughably primitive brain of the being known as Turkitron and have transmitted ourselves digitally into your "Internet." We're here to steal your pornography and sodomize our vast imaginations.

delicious.jpg

Hail Turkitron:

Another year has passed and turkeys have once again proven themselves to be a delicious and harmless creature.

I just had some tasty turkey today…I feel no remorse and celebrate in the death of one of your brother turkeys!

Your Nemesis,
Mark

While hacking into Turkitron's brain…

If you can call it that.

Yes, Err, thank you. While hacking into Turkitron's brain…

Did you hear that, what I said before? Can't call it a brain.

Yes, Err, I understood that the first time. While hacking into Turkitron's brain…

Dude, I totally burned him.

Shut up, Err! Speak again and you shall be forever silenced by my angry pixelfist. Now, while Err says nothing more or he will receive the ass beating of a lifetime, I will tell you the tale of how, while hacking into Turkitron's brain, we came upon this email from the entity you call "Mark." We encourage this creature's turkey eating habits. We also encourage our own habits, which include breaking into other people's homes and eating their food.

This year on your day of giving thanks, we will visit this entity known as "Mark" and consume all his turkey based foodstuffs. There is nothing you can do. You are powerless to stop us.

Hope you made extra, bitch, 'cause we're hungry. Moon hungry.

Yes. And that is a hunger your primitive Earth stomach can never know. We intend to !STOP fatal error on volatile hard media error at sector(S) 111.11, 115651.42.1 AND 986.5.1.6.5… SYNTAX ERROR – INVALID COMMAND CODE… [[[[WHAT]{ }[THE] ]{[HELL??]]} ,<$&@ $???

turkitron-email01.jpg

THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO during the Great Circuiting, I was hacked into by cyber agents of the chicken rebellion! But, using my anti-infiltration helmet I fought them off and defeated their rougue elves from Santa's slave factory at the North Pole…

Damn, he's back!

He's breaking through! Quick, Err, before he sees us. To the ship!

Start launch sequence! Moon engines engage! Air conditioner on medium! Hydraulics set to low ride! We're motoring, Err!

Damn, yeah! What's your price for flight?!

We're out of here. Prepare yourself, Mark. We're coming to eat all of your turkey and stuffings and condiments and side dishes of traditional holiday expectation. Accept your fate. There is nothing you can do.


Until next year, Happy Thanksgiving… from The Moon!

49 Responses to “Turkitron’s Returnification III: The Quickening”

  1. QBall Says:
    November 28th, 2009 at 9:42 am

    Motor Inn!
    What’s your price per night?

  2. Chris Says:
    November 30th, 2009 at 6:33 am

    When you’re out blowing that hard earned cash on holiday expenditures, why not do it with a little sci-fi style? Spend some awesomely defaced sci-fi currency courtesy of artist Joe D! this Christmas season. And god bless us, every one.

    Click ‘em to make ‘em big.

  3. Danm Says:
    November 30th, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    This looks sodamn cheesy I want to see it:

    http://scifiwire.com/2009/11/van-damme-lundgren-back-i.php

  4. Danm Says:
    November 30th, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    I wish I had this much free time:

    http://scifiwire.com/2009/11/must-see-bullet-time-scen.php

  5. Danm Says:
    December 4th, 2009 at 2:15 pm

    This one’s for DanN

    http://scifiwire.com/2009/12/from-toaster-to-supermode.php

  6. Danm Says:
    December 4th, 2009 at 2:20 pm

    Not only is the idea of building this park in the middle east retarded, so are many of the people leaving comments on this story. Anyone who would blame this travesty on Obama, or any president for that matter, is displaying a level of ignorance that is absolutely astounding at this point in history.

    http://scifiwire.com/2009/12/first-look-at-marvels-ama.php

  7. Danm Says:
    December 4th, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    This is exactly what the world needs. A more conservative interpretation of the bible. Put a bullet in your head and rid us of your stupidty. PLEASE.

    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34270487/ns/us_news-faith/?GT1=43001

  8. Chris Says:
    December 5th, 2009 at 7:18 am

    Every time I start to bitch and whine about working weekends or working 10+ hour shifts – which I am for the next four days – I remember that my dad used to regularly pull 16-hour shifts and busted his ass in horrible weather around incredibly dangerous industrial equipment full of lethal superheated chemicals. Then I feel like a pussy. Then I remind myself that my dad was making WAY more than I ever have sitting on my fat ass in front of a computer, and I think maybe somehow it all equals out. And then my ritalin wears off and I lose my train of thought, and I start thinking about giant space robots with lasers and missiles, and, hey, guess what:

    Topless Robot presents:


    8 Reasons Why Robotech Is Better Than Macross

    Click the pics for full size:

  9. Chris Says:
    December 5th, 2009 at 11:10 am

    I have reached the halfway point of my work day. I shall celebrate with an impromptu TransFormers gallery. Click to embiggen.

  10. Chris Says:
    December 7th, 2009 at 4:00 am

    Woo-hoo! First snow of the year!

  11. Danm Says:
    December 7th, 2009 at 10:45 am

    I respect both these women as actresses and it’s for that reason alone I will be seeing this movie:

    http://www.getthebigpicture.net/blog/2009/11/6/portman-calls-black-swan-sex-scene-extreme.html

  12. Chris Says:
    December 7th, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    Noble, good sir! I, too, am a patron of the fine arts and have for many years held these women in the highest esteem for their contribution to the pursuit of truth and meaning. I will proudly back them in this fine endeavour as well. Let us now make plans to adjourn forthwith to the nearest theatre and lay down our coin in support of these angels d’art. Huzzah!

  13. Chris Says:
    December 7th, 2009 at 7:07 pm

    Sweet. All the power here at work is GONE. The parking lot is pitch black. The highway is about a quarter mile away, and I can see the headlights; the road lamps are down, too, for as far as I can see. We’re in a huge call center with roughly one hundred billion high powered lightbulbs and about 300 PCs running about 1000 widescreen monitors. This room is literally three times bigger than my house, at least. The heat is on, and they leave every light in every office on all night. And now we’re running on backup generators alone. Thank god I only have to stay here for FOUR MORE FUCKING HOURS. It’s getting cooler in here. I swear to Lucifer, if they shut off the fucking heat I will build a campfire out of office furniture and software manuals. I will burn this mother DOWN.

  14. Chris Says:
    December 7th, 2009 at 7:33 pm

    Just remembered that I forgot to grab a coat this morning. Mother. FUCKER.

  15. Danm Says:
    December 8th, 2009 at 1:14 pm

    John Malkovich? Thumbs up. The Vulturess? WTF? What’s wrong with Black Cat?

    http://scifiwire.com/2009/12/more-spider-man-4-villain.php

  16. Danm Says:
    December 8th, 2009 at 1:17 pm

    Could be interesting if done well:

    http://scifiwire.com/2009/12/babylon-5-creator-to-rebo.php

  17. Danm Says:
    December 8th, 2009 at 1:18 pm

    I had no idea these movies were popular enough to warrant the creation of a 4th installment.

    http://scifiwire.com/2009/12/rumor-control-resident-ev.php

  18. Danm Says:
    December 8th, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    Probably my favorite show on TV right now:

    http://scifiwire.com/2009/12/best-sci-fi-moments-from.php

  19. Danm Says:
    December 10th, 2009 at 8:09 am

    This looks interesting, at least from a story/visual perspective.
    The casting, well…..I guess I’ll just have to see it.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dm9xc7TAXWw&feature=player_embedded

  20. Danm Says:
    December 10th, 2009 at 8:11 am

    Cautiously Optimistic on this one:

    http://scifiwire.com/2009/12/first-look-sweet-new-imag.php

  21. Danm Says:
    December 11th, 2009 at 11:38 am

    some cool new posters:

    http://scifiwire.com/2009/12/new-posters-iron-man-2-an.php

  22. Danm Says:
    December 11th, 2009 at 11:39 am

    not surprising:

    http://scifiwire.com/2009/12/how-will-batman-return-th.php

  23. Danm Says:
    December 11th, 2009 at 11:40 am

    and by that I meant that he’s coming back. The story line……eh……

  24. Balthazar Says:
    December 13th, 2009 at 6:32 am

    But just because she’s Sigourney Weaver, that’s okay! Well, not really, but who cares? Weaver did an interview with Channel 4 News in the UK (via AICN) for Avatar and ended up chatting a bit about what’s going on with Ghostbusters 3, which we haven’t heard much about recently. There used to be new quotes from someone hitting every week for the last six months, but that finally stopped. Anyway, Weaver reveals a lot without saying much. “I’m afraid to say [Ghostbusters 3] is happening, I hope people are excited about that.” I certainly am! But everyone else may change their mind after they hear what else she says about it.

    “I don’t know if I’m going to be in it, I have had a couple of calls asking ‘would you read the script,’” Weaver explained. And apparently she did read the script, because she seems to know a lot about what happens in it. For example: “I know that my little son Oscar – who was kidnapped from me [in the second Ghostbusters movie] – I think he has grown up to be a Ghostbuster.” We knew that they were planning to introduce a new generation of Ghostbusters, but we didn’t know that Oscar was going to be one of them! But that’s not all.

    “I might be in it; I see nothing wrong with being in it, although I don’t think I will have a big part. I think Bill Murray has a little more to do with it – he’s a ghost.”

    I usually don’t like spoiling huge plot points like that, but considering Ghostbusters 3 isn’t going to be out until 2011 or 2012, this kind of news isn’t that revealing this far out. Actually, wait, it is very revealing, it’s just not something that I think is going to make me any less excited. In fact, I’m actually more interested in seeing Bill Murray come back as a ghost and seeing Oscar kick his ass with their new Proton Packs. I’m also wondering if this means all of the original ‘busters will be ghosts too? Maybe that’s the plot? Maybe they come across something that kills all of them and the new guys have to figure out how to bring them back.

    I’m not sure what to make all of this yet, but it is official and it is coming from someone trustworthy and it is coming from someone who has (presumably) read the script. Now we’re just waiting for Sony to give this the greenlight and officially announce a director and a cast so they can actually shoot it. I’m getting anxious to see this officially move forward. Knowing these details though, are you still excited to see Ghostbusters 3?

  25. Chris Says:
    December 13th, 2009 at 3:16 pm

    Dude, what the fuck is going on over at DC? That sounds more like a JLA story than Batman. You know, DC, it’s okay that it’s not 1980 anymore. The one-universe thing was pretty nice. No need for 50+ universes with different stories; Crisis On Infinite Earths was one of the best ideas in comics, EVER. No need for outlandish stories that don’t fit the character that stars in them; you had a bunch of suitable characters for these kinds of stories before you killed them all off. It’s okay that a lot of these characters were white men; they were CREATED by white men. It’s okay that Superman and Batman were not best friends; the dynamic was much more interesting when there was tension between them. No need to have Sue Dibny raped and murdered just so all this stupid bullshit could come to pass; just publish it as an Elseworlds title and be done with it. This whole endeavor has been mean-spirited, poorly thought out, and generally disrespectful to both the characters’ creators and readers. It’s low brow. Where the hell is Jenette Kahn when we need her? She cleaned DC up and made it fucking work. Whomever is running things now could learn a lot from her.

  26. Chris Says:
    December 13th, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    Seriously, this is the kind of shit going on at DC now. Tell me how the fuck this is quality storytelling:

    While holding Bruce Wayne’s skull, Black Hand tells the mysterious force behind the Black Lanterns (residing in Sector 666) that no one escapes death…

    In Blackest Night #0, Black Hand is seen in a graveyard approaching the graves of Sue Dibny and her husband Ralph. In Blackest Night #1, they are revealed as members of the Black Lantern Corps when they attack Hawkgirl and Hawkman; killing the two heroes by ripping their hearts out…

    Hand enters the room and proclaims that Hawkman and Hawkgirl will not escape death this time. Two black rings fly out of Batman’s skull and Hand commands the two fallen heroes, by name, to rise… Sue, Ralph and the Hawks later join Ronnie Raymond and J’onn J’onzz in attacking Hal Jordan and Barry Allen. The fight is interrupted by the arrival of the Indigo Tribe, who use their powers to remove Sue and Ralph’s rings and blast them to dust…

    When Barry Allen attempts to attack Nekron, Black Hand steps in, using Batman’s skull as an “emotional tether” to weaken the hero.

    I’m sorry, but there’s only so much I can take. This is fucking idiotic. Brandishing Batman’s skull so rings can fly out of it? Sue Dibny, a completely normal human woman who couldn’t even fight off Dr. Light when he raped her, is somehow powerful enough to rip Hawkman’s heart out of his fucking chest?! BITCH, PLEASE. This is fucking RETARDED. Someone needs to be punched in the crotch.

  27. Danm Says:
    December 14th, 2009 at 11:27 am

    ummm….the Black Lanterns? Residing in Sector 666? No wonder I haven’t bought a comic book in 5 years. Yikes.

  28. Danm Says:
    December 17th, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    Hell Yeah!

    http://www.apple.com/trailers/paramount/ironman/

  29. Danm Says:
    December 18th, 2009 at 9:02 am

    I’ve still got a bad feeling about this.

    http://scifiwire.com/2009/12/the-matrixs-morpheus-will.php

  30. Danm Says:
    December 18th, 2009 at 10:15 am

    The video below is part 1 in a series of seven, recently posted on youtube.
    It is a review of Star Wars: the Phantom Menace. WELL WORTH the 70 minutes spent to view them all.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxKtZmQgxrI&feature=related

  31. Chris Says:
    December 23rd, 2009 at 8:14 am

  32. Chris Says:
    December 23rd, 2009 at 8:25 am

    Jesus, is it possible that I won’t get this year’s Christmas article done in time? Fuck you, life!

  33. Chris Says:
    December 31st, 2009 at 4:18 am

    ‘Tis the season to be creepy…

  34. Danm Says:
    January 5th, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    This one is for Mark:

    http://scifiwire.com/2010/01/scientist-says-dolphins-s-1.php#more

  35. Chris Says:
    January 6th, 2010 at 7:04 am

    I love how the article says dolphins have larger brains than any primate except for man, but only after the brain size has been “corrected for body size.” What the fuck does that mean? If you scale them to adult human size? If you scale a newborn baby to adult human size it’s brain is HUGE, but could you really say it’s as intelligent or emotionally aware as a fully developed human? Does it even display the cognitive abilities of a very smart breed of dog? I don’t think so. Based on the little information this article provides, I don’t think this is particularly good science at all. Which I guess is why it’s on scifiwire.

  36. Danm Says:
    January 6th, 2010 at 8:54 am

    Actually, the article was published on another site, which doesn’t even provide any link to the “study” or related materials. I think the people at Scifiwire were just bored and wanted to generate chatter on their site.

  37. Chris Says:
    January 7th, 2010 at 9:54 am

    STORM OF THE CENTURY
    2010-01-07, 9:50 AM

    FIRST REPORT – The blanket of silent, white death that will surely consume us all has laid down what appears to be it’s first lethal quarter inch. Secured safely – for now – inside my office, I watch helpless as the icy, skeletal fingers of a merciless wintery demise slowly enclose me. I am powerless to stop it. The news reports that we may expect anywhere from three to six inches of snow. Six inches! Such a volume of frozen precipitation is surely unprecedented – and unnatural. It befuddles my lowly primate senses and arouses my inborn fear of the paranormal. How can a man be expected to maintain his sanity in the face of such an ungodly onslaught of primal terror? How, indeed, can mankind?

    The Company, in it’s wisdom and kindness, has determined to sally forth, undaunted by this frosty, bloodthirsty juggernaut. In bold defiance of the snowy death Winter shall deliver unto us, The Company issued the following proclamations – well thought out, appropriately balanced, and equal to the task of answering this threat, to a one:

    - Any Staff arriving tomorrow at or before their scheduled start time will be awarded one extra hour of pay for the day. You will be authorized to claim an extra hour of pay on your weekly timesheet for your extra burden, effort and as a reward for your proactive support of your team

    - Lunch will be provided ON CAMPUS by the Management Staff between 11 and 1. There will be no need for you to leave campus and drive the area roads at lunchtime

    - A toll free Communication Hotline will be opened for you at 6AM tomorrow so you can talk to a manager and report your status and/or any delays (Your manager will provide you that number and instructions before the end of the day)

    - Management Staff will provide a Pickup service for those employees in the immediate area that cannot navigate the roads

    - Tomorrow will be a CASUAL day. Dress down, wear boots and layer your clothing to protect against the cold and snow

    - The SharePoint site will be outfitted with a Team Communications Board so you can discuss carpooling with others at the GSC. Use this feature to find someone in your area willing to share the ride so you all get here safe and sound

    - Cell Phones will be allowed on the floor for use to communicate with family TOMORROW ONLY. Normal communication rules apply. Only use your cell for emergency or critical needs

    - Schools in the area will be delayed, cancelled or likely have early release. Please have a plan in place to handle the pickup and care of your children for tomorrow and Friday

    - Plan ahead and bring snacks, a change of clothing and some light reading or entertainment in case you arrive early or decide to stay a bit while the roads are cleared

    - Parking will be at a premium. You may need to take advantage of the Blue Parking in front of the Red Building. Your Management Staff has requested that Facilities get in front of the storm and salt the lot, the entrance hill and sidewalks prior to your arrival tomorrow

    Huzzah!, I say! Though implacable Death will surely find me before the morning breaks, I take solace in the knowledge that, to a man, we have stood proudly in the face of the elements and proved our quality, both as professionals and as gentlemen of wit and good breeding. If I die this night, I will show the world how an Englishman dies! Godspeed, my friends! I shall be waiting fondly for you in The Great Beyond. God save the Queen!

  38. Danm Says:
    January 7th, 2010 at 4:29 pm

    Aren’t you supposed to shave if you plan on doing this?

    http://scifiwire.com/2010/01/star-treks-nude-well-bodypainted-voyages-nsfw.php

  39. Danm Says:
    January 11th, 2010 at 9:45 am

    I’ll be the first to admit I know very little about the Hal Jordan/Green Lantern mythology. While I like Ryan Renolds I think he would be far better suited playing say, the Flash. Hal Jordan always struck me as a more serious individual.

    And while I think Blake Lively is attractive I worry this could be another severe miscast. She simply doesn’t look the part of a CEO. Couple this with the fact she’s supposed to play the similar aged loved interest of her co star who’s 11 years older and well….I hope they can pull it off but I have doubts.

    http://scifiwire.com/2010/01/blake-lively-will-be-gree.php

  40. Danm Says:
    January 11th, 2010 at 9:48 am

    Well, we got a release date for the new Star Trek. The fanboys are going to have to wait until June 29, 2012. At least it will beat the end of the world.

    http://scifiwire.com/2010/01/new-star-trek-sequel-has.php

  41. Danm Says:
    January 11th, 2010 at 9:53 am

    The man certainly gets around:

    http://scifiwire.com/2010/01/comics-legend-stan-lee-to.php

  42. danm Says:
    January 11th, 2010 at 8:39 pm

    un-fucking-believable:

    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34810725/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/

  43. Danm Says:
    January 12th, 2010 at 11:04 am

    wow. Pretty big shake up over the Spiderman movie:

    http://paralleluniverse.msn.com/features/movies/the-wrap/raimi-maguire-off-spiderman/story/?gt1=28140

  44. Danm Says:
    January 12th, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    The A-Team was a cornerstone of my childhood TV schedule.
    I want this movie to be good but Liam Neeson as Hannibal? Yikes.

    http://a-team-movie-trailer.blogspot.com/

  45. Chris Says:
    January 14th, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    Jack did NOT think this was funny…

  46. Danm Says:
    January 19th, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    I still have a bad feeling about this…

    http://scifiwire.com/2010/01/leaked-photos-make-the-ne.php

  47. Danm Says:
    January 22nd, 2010 at 8:18 am

    I want to see this:

    http://scifiwire.com/2010/01/r-rated-nsfw-hot-tub-time.php

  48. Danm Says:
    January 22nd, 2010 at 8:28 am

    this is pretty damn funny.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OL61JreooRk

  49. Danm Says:
    January 29th, 2010 at 6:56 am

    this guys should be strung up by his nutsack and left to rot in the desert:

    http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/01/28/kansas.abortion.roeder.verdict/index.html?hpt=T1

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