Hey, remember a couple of years ago when I didn't have time to write a real article, so I just cheated and posted a bunch of pics of other people's jack-o'-lanterns I found online? Guess what…

Not to sound like a giant pussy or anything, but this new job is kicking my ass. I mean, they expect me to actually get up in the morningtime, when it's still dark outside, and go all the way in there. I know, it's crazy, right? When I signed on for this I thought I could just phone it in from bed. And, get this, I have to dress up. In nice clothes and stuff. I can't even wear my sweatpants, which is bullshit, 'cause they're nice sweatpants. So I've been dealing with all that pressure and haven't had time to write proper articles for Halloween. I threw this together in hopes that maybe the taskmasters I work for will see all these wonderful pumpkins, remember to have a little Halloween joy in their lives, and lighten the fuck up with all this "showing up for work on time is important" bullshit. Don't they care that I'm sleepy?

This, according to popular opinion at Wikipedia, is an authentic jack-o'-lantern from Ireland, from way back in the old timey days of banshees and leprechauns. Traditional jack-o'-lanterns (or is it jacks-o'-lantern? I was never clear on that) were carved from turnips. I don't know if this is carved from a turnip. I have no idea what a turnip looks like. As far as I know turnips are something eaten by characters in fairy tales. I'm not 100% sure they're even real. But for the sake of argument, we'll say that this creepy fucking thing is made from a turnip. And probably the souls of dead children. Gotta hand it to the Irish; this thing looks at least 50 times scarier than any dead Egyptian ever did, yet still manages to scream "mummy" whenever I see it. I think it's the teeth.

Anyway, here's how America spookifies its produce. Go USA!

Look familiar? This is the jack-o'-lantern that's been featured in the upper left corner of The Sci-Fi Guys' Halloween banner since 2006. I don't know who carved it or where it came from, but it's in the top ten greatest jack-o'-lanterns I've ever seen. This thing looks alive.

The tongue is handcrafted out of pink taffy. Of course, there aren't a lot of businesses that market premoulded pink taffy Gene Simmons tongues, so I probably could have skipped saying 'handcrafted.' But it's a word I enjoy. Another word I like: tobacconist. Sounds fancy and professional.

The guy who made this said that the pumpkin not only remained relatively odor free during his time at the party, but also stayed surprisingly cool the whole time he had it on. Not only that, but it looks metal as fuck. Rock on with thy bad self, Wearable Jack-O'-Lantern Man!