TransFormers: Revenge Of The Fallen was stupid, sloppy, retarded and better than the first one
I'm sure it will surprise absolutely no one that TransFormers: Revenge Of The Fallen was bad. I'm sure it will come as no shock at all that this movie makes no fucking sense. But what was surprising was that it was a better Transformers movie than TransFormers was.
This is by no means somehing I care to research and/or confirm, so take it with a big grain of salt, but over at TransFormer World 2005 around the time first TransFormers movie was released there was a posting to the effect that the TransFormers reels were shipped to theatres in two separate cans. Nothing too unusual about that, but the second can was supposed to have a feature that most movie reel cases don't: a combination lock. That's right, threatre managers received a film they could only access half of. A noon on 2 July 2007, the combination was to be communicated to the world, and the cases unlocked so the theatres could hastily assemble the reels before the worldwide 8 PM premiere.
Why would they do this? According to the post, the studio claimed security precautions and protection against piracy. You know what I'm claiming? BULLSHIT. I'm sure pirating via video camera from a projection booth still happens, but the high-quality digital bootlegs – you know, the kind that the motion picture industry has been whining about for the last few years, and for which they've been blaming the increase in movie ticket prices – are copied from the digital masters well in advance of the reels being printed. By the time they put those reels in those cans, the pirating will already be done. Believe me, there was no need to wait for the reels to be shipped; TransFormers was out there as a high quality pirated DVD somewhere days or weeks before the movie premiered, and the studio knows it. Besides, if they're so worried about piracy, shouldn't they invest in technology a little more advanced than a fucking combination lock? People have been bypassing those for hundreds of years. This all smells of bullshit to me. Movie studios have been pulling this crap for a while now, and it has nothing to do with piracy, despite what they'd have you believe. It's all about movie critics and print deadlines.
An enormous number of well-known movie critics still write film reviews for the institutions which made them famous – newspapers. Its no coincidence that the most poorly rated movies of the last couple of years have either had a late evening premiere, like TransFormers, or no advance screening for critics at all. Why? Because by the time the critics see the movies and write their reviews on opening night, newspapers have already finalized their copy and gone to press. An 8 PM showing will last until 9:30 or 10 PM. Let's say it takes two hours to sit down and pump out a quick but thorough review; your article would be done around 11:30, assuming everything goes well. But the last edition of most newspapers goes out around midnight, so by 11:30 the papers have most likely been printed, bundled, and are being loaded into trucks for distribution. There's no time for reviews to go through editing, fact checking, typesetting, editorial approval, nothing. There's no way they could possibly review the movie that quickly. Late evening openings are a way studios wordlessly acknowledge that the film they're releasing probably isn't very good, and it's their effort to circumvent bad press on opening night by making sure there's no press at all.
Underhanded? Most certainly. An admission that the movie is not going to live up to its hype? You betcha. And there are a thousand other complaints I could make about the way that movie was handled. But you know what? This isn't a review of TransFormers. This is a review of TransFormers: Revenge Of The Fallen. Let's talk about that movie.
I have heard nothing similar about the security of the reels for Revenge Of The Fallen. Which is wild, since this movie is 100,000,000,000% more retarded than TransFormers. I read a LOT of negative reviews about this movie before I saw it, and almost every one of them was completely justified. It was amateurish in every way except for the sound design – and they even fucked that up a little by not flanging Soundwave's voice (more on that later). I honestly can't tell you how some of the shit in this movie made it on screen. Do studios have no internal censors or reviewers to keep directors at least somewhat in check? No wonder Hollywood is losing money. There's nobody at the reigns making sure they produce movies that make any goddamned sense.
But one thing I did not read, one very vital piece of information that needs to be pointed out to you, Faithful Reader, is that even with all its many, many flaws, this is a more likable film than the first one. I was fully aware of how stupid it was while I was watching it, and I was reminded every three seconds that Michael Bay is the worst thing to happen to cinema since the French got ahold of film equipment. But despite how incredibly insulting this movie is to viewers' intelligences and core humanities, I found that I didn't loathe it as much as the first one. And it was killing me that I couldn't figure out why. It is by far more idiotic and nonsensical than TransFormers was, there's no question about that. So why didn't I hate it more? I thought about this during the movie, and all the way home, and I think I've finally figured it out. I like TransFormers: Revenge Of The Fallen better than TransFormers because TransFormers: Revenge Of The Fallen is actually about the Transformers.
At its heart, TransFormers was not about Transformers. It was the story of an awkward young man who meets a beautiful girl and seeks to win her over, and the convenient giant alien robot space war that makes that happen. What, you thought it was about the robots? No, sir. It was about ass.
This is the ass. In case you've been in a coma deep down in an abandoned mine shaft since 2006, this actress's ridiculously appropriate name is Megan Fox, and she plays Mikaela Banes, the daughter of a mechanic criminal something or another; a bad guy who in no way matters to either film. If you ever doubt the awesomeness of those shapeshifting robots in disguise, just remember later when you're looking at this picture and touching yourself that you can thank TransFormers for making her a household name.
Revenge Of The Fallen has lots more Megan Fox, which is good because she really goes a long way toward making this movie more watchable. And I'm not just being a perv. Here's something you might not know about Megan Fox: besides being one of the hottest pieces of ass to ever walk this planet, she's also a good actress. That's not a compliment I give very often because most actresses are women who should have been models, but through some flaw in the studio screening process have been inexplicably allowed to speak on camera. Most of them do not deserve the opportunity. Megan Fox, fortunately, is a woman who's talents exist beyond her nigh divine physique. I like Megan Fox the woman for her beauty and the fact that she seems genuine and charming, but I respect Megan Fox the actress because she brings to the screen a quality I see far too seldom in hot, young starlets: competence in her work. And when she's not acting, she's showing off her indescribably gorgeous body. It's a gimmick, and not a very subtle one, but it's one that never fails. It means that even when she has no lines or anything to emote, she's entertaining 100% of the time. Do you think a lot of Oscar winning actresses from artsy movies can say the same? I don't. Not at all. So before I start telling you how bad this movie was, keep in mind that at no point did I have a problem with Megan Fox. She did the maximum any actress could have done with the script she was given, and she looked phenomenal doing it. I think of all the people in this movie, she is the one, the ONLY one, that really shines through.
A lot of questions have been asked about this gigantic two wheeled robot from the trailer, and I was surprised to find that the movie answers exactly none of them. The movie opens with a flashback scene describing how the Transformers have been on Earth for at least 13,000 years. Then we are treated to a short scene describing how the US military and the Autobots are working together to rid the world of Decepticons. Because US special forces are immune to all laws regarding the crossing of international borders, we see the team landing in Shanghai, home of the giant two wheeled robot, ready to blow the living bejesus out of anything that moves.
In the mind of Michael Bay airspace restrictions and international borders mean nothing because the US owns the entire world. The Chinese, who are historically well known for their openness and transparency with other governments, and who have always welcomed foreign armies to run unchecked over their sovereign soil, have trustingly invited the US military and the Autobots to land in downtown Shanghai and discharge heavy weaponry into the country's most populous city without the operation being overseen by so much as a single Chinese national. They didn't try to resolve the problem on their own, utilizing the Chinese People's Liberation Army, which is the largest active military force in the world. They didn't do what they have historically done, which is ruthlessly surpress news of any turmoil through the lockdown of internal media agencies, the intimidation of their own citizens and the denial of all potentially embarassing incidents to foreign consulates and the international press. Instead, at the first hint of a possible yet unconfirmed problem, they ran to the phone and called the US for help. Realistic, no?
The ginormous robot transforms from some sort of crane/steam shovel kind of thing. It wasn't on screeen for very long and its transformation sequence was entirely obscured by a cloud of dust, making it the least impressive entrance of any Transformer ever. I don't know what it was supposed to be, but I know I can't like a Transformer if I can't know what it transformed from. And look at the size of it. How the fuck did the Chinese fail to locate this thing? We are not told. We don't know how or why it's there. We never even get its name. This is a Michael Bay movie, so what we do get is lots of smoke, fire, sparks, fog, shrapnel, blue lights, dust, shaky camerawork, and sundry ariborne debris to obscure the robot from view. Which is probably a good thing, since Michael Bay's Transformers start out as ordinary looking machines and transform into ungainly, unsightly spiky lumps of misshapen robot parts which look like shit on film.
This collection of vague, blurry imagery is soon given the beatdown of a lifetime by Optimus Prime, who parachutes in to save the day. Yeah, that's right. He parachutes. Because he's a bad ass kung-fu Green Beret action hero. He takes the unnamed robot down, but just before he executes the evil Decepticon, it tells him that the battle is futile and that the Autobots and all of humanity will be destroyed by The Fallen. Then lightning strikes and there's a big thunderclap, and Dracula music plays and we see The Fallen sitting on his throne of skulls, stroking his pet jaguar in his haunted castle at the top of Snake Mountain. Okay, that last sentence was a lie, but this little scene was positively dripping with cartoonish melodrama. It could only have been more operatic if Prime had been wearing a gold cape and riding a horse.
Cut to the Witwicky household. Sam is getting ready to leave for Harvard and accidentally discovers a decent sized chunk of the AllSpark that somehow he, the US military, the Departments Of Defense and Homeland Security, and the secret government black-ops agency known as Sector Seven all failed to locate in his jacket pocket. He stares at it for a while, and because the AllSpark doesn't like it when people give it the stink eye, it zaps his brain and causes him to see all sorts of random Cybertronian symbols.
You see it lying there where it fell? Not on fire or burning its way through the floor and falling to the kitchen below? Weird isn't it? Well, maybe not now, but it will seem weird in a few seconds when Sam drops it again, and it burns through that same floor and falls to kitchen below. I don't know why this only happens half of the time it is dropped, but fortunately it has no power against kitchen tables. It can effortlessly burn through a hardwood floor and a plaster and lath ceiling, but it hits the kitchen table and is stopped cold. Pissed at its thwarting by the hitherto unknown might of dinette sets, it turns every fucking machine in the kitchen to a little Decepticon, and turns the next few minutes of the movie into a robotic remake of Gremlins 2.
Remember the Nokia phone in the first movie that got zapped by the AllSpark and turned into a little robot? Remember how its little machine gun bullets could not even pierce glass? Remember how you thought "If the AllSpark can bring machines to life and grant them intelligence and personalities based on their alternate modes it must be a fairly intelligent machine itself, and I therefore find it strange that it would give this robot such an obviously useless weapon and horribly limited intellect." Neither does Michael Bay. These new little Gremlibots start shooting up the place and setting things on fire, and no one seems to have any recollection of the relative harmlessness of these miniature Cybertronians. Sam runs through the house trying to escape them, jumps out of the second story window, and yells for Bumblebee, who lives in his garage.
Because this is a Michael Bay film, Bumblebee bursts out of the side of the garage instead of using the door, which is literally two feet away from the wall he destroys. If this needless destruction seems too overtly pointless and over the top to be enjoyable, please leave the theatre now. It only gets worse from here. Bumblebee, who is supposed to be living with the Witwickys in secrecy, transforms into a giant robot and starts blasting away at the little robots. Not content with destroying everything in the back yard, he also blasts away a good portion of the house. There would have been a lot less destruction in this scene if Sam had just pulled a Clint Eastwood and started chucking lit dynamite at the little guys.
When Sam gets to Harvard we meet his computer hacker/conspiracy theorist roommate whom we will call Useless Exchangeable Douchebag Character #100478. It's too bad he's so forgettable because he tags along with Sam and Megan Fox for the rest of the entire fucking movie and does not do one single thing to justify his existence in this story. Literally nothing. He could have been replaced by a wooden marionette hanging on Bumblebee'e rear view mirror and his role in the film would have been virtually unchanged. I don't even remember if he had a name.
While at Harvard we also meet the incredible Isabel Lucas, who plays Alice, the Pretender Decepticon who was nothing like a Pretender whatsoever. Pretenders were Transformers hidden inside a shell that mimicked a biological appearance. When they left their shell it would reform to fight alongside the Transformer, meaning that you were fighting two robot bodies that shared the same mind (I surmise; Hasbro was never very clear on that part). It was like having two robot soldiers for the price of one.
Alice does not do that. She has an incredibly pleasing biological exterior, but it's no shell. Her organic parts transform into her robot form. She's much more like a Beast Wars Predacon than a Pretender Decepticon. And it is because I know things like that that I will never have sex again in my life. I know I shouldn't have announced that, but if I'm not gonna get laid, I am at least going to be correct. But I don't really give a damn about this inaccuracy because there were SO MANY stupid things in this movie that it got lost. It was easy to overlook because of all the dumb things in this film, it was the least obviously dumb. It was also easy to overlook because Isabel Lucas gives us an upskirt shot of her ASTOUNDING ass in tight little blue lace panties and she looks like this:
Alice is there at Harvard waiting for Sam. How does she know he's going to Harvard? We don't know. How does she know there's any reason at all to follow him, since the AllSpark shard didn't zap Sam's brain until about an hour before he left to drive to college? We don't know. Why doesn't she just grab him and force the memory out of him as soon as she first sees him instead of waiting for two days then trying to seduce him at a frat party? We don't know. Why are we never given an explanation for any of this? We don't know. Oh, wait, I remember why. It's because THIS MOVIE MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE.
During the cyber-seduction Sam gets thrown out of the frat party because his car, Bumblebee, took it upon himself to park on the lawn. In a bush. Because Bumblebee is apparently mentally retarded. Which would go a long way toward explaining what happens next. Sam jumps in Bumblebee to move him and Alice jumps in afterward. She keeps coming onto him incredibly aggresively, while Bumblebee keeps playing songs like "Super Freak" to show that he doesn't like Alice. Then Bumblebee, the loveable little robot who has vowed to give his life to protect human beings, uses his seat hinge to VIOLENTLY SLAM HER FUCKING FACE INTO THE DASHBOARD. He ignores Sam's protests and hoses her down with some unidentified viscous yellow fluid, because if the first movie taught us anything it was that Bumblebee likes to pee on people. Alice jumps out of the car and storms off in a huff.
"I keep dem bitches in line, yo."
Why did Bumblebee just beat the shit out of, as far as he knows, a horny 110 pound college co-ed? Why didn't Alice use this time when she believed she and Sam were alone to restrain him and force the AllSpark information from him, instead of storming off because her dress got ruined? Why didn't Alice, who has a supercomputer for a brain, recognize the non-random pattern of behavior (that any normal car would not be able to produce) as Bumblebee insults and assaults her despite Sam's attempts to stop him? The Decepticons know what Bumblebee's 2009 Camaro vehicle form looks like; why doesn't Alice at least suspect that she is sitting inside one of her mortal enemies? There's only one explanation, ladies and gentlemen. THIS MOVIE MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE.
Anyway, some other stuff happens and the next day Alice goes to Sam's room and shows us all her panties when she grows a robotail. Seriously. Then Transformers 90210 starts. Megan Fox shows up and gets mad at Sam for making out with Alice, which, despite how the scene was supposed to play, looks like he was totally into. They break up. Then Alice uses her robotongue to strangle Sam and Mikaela saves him. Alice transforms, which is entirely pointless, because she basically transforms into a spiky silver robot the exact same size as her human form.
Then they run. A lot. Alice uses weapons that we never see to blow the hell out of half the buildings at Harvard, and while they're being shot at Sam and Mikaela make up and get back together, awwww. Then, while Mikaela hotwires a stolen car, Alice blows up a building with a big, fiery orange gasoline explosion, and dramatically walks out of the fireball exactly like another human mimicking robot did in a much better movie called Terminator 2. Alice jumps on the hood of the car and Mikaela accidentally discovers how to defeat a hyperadvanced alien robot warrior from space: run your car into a lamp post at 40 mph. Apparently Alice was not a Pretender after all, but a part of the little known Transformers sub-line called the FragileMasters. They can be killed by impacts human beings can survive. They get pouty if you stain their pretty party dresses. They are made out of pure crystaline suck. Every other robot in this movie can survive falls from a hundred feet in the air and can rebound unscathed after their enemies repeatedly throw them through concrete buildings, but after just one hit against the lamppost Alice crumpled like aluminum foil. Hey, you know what? THIS MOVIE MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE.
I'm not going to give many more details on the rest of the movie because from here on out it's pretty much one extended chase scene. There's lots of shit wrong with this movie. Half the Transformers are black stereotypes. They call each other "bitch" and "punk ass" a lot. One of them has a huge gold tooth and can't read. They're basically in blackface. I'm kind of surprised that no one seems to mind. We eventually get to meet Jetfire, the shittiest Transformer ever put on film. He's old. He farts. He walks around with parts falling off. He has a cane. He has a beard. Like many of the other Transformers in this movie, he spits when he talks. Because robots have saliva. He lives at the Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum, which, as you can see from the pic above, is located in the vast mountain rimmed desert of Washington, DC. I'm not making any of this up. Michael Bay should be shot.
Because I have awesome friends, longtime Transformers fan and all around sexy good time Rico hooked me up with some tix to the midnight premiere. Despite the fact that the film failed to impress me, it was fun to wait in line with everyone. It was far more crowded than the midnight premeire of Phantom Menace was, and there were an inexplicable number of hot teenage girls in anime t-shirts and guys walking around in Optimus Prime voice changer helmets, so it's no surprise that they were really into the movie. I was just amazed at how all the most painfully stupid parts got the biggest laughs. It's like I was the only person in the theatre who understood that THIS MOVIE MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE.
You know what? It's me. I admit this. I didn't like this movie. Didn't like the first one either. But I encourage you to see it because no one agrees with me. Lots of people loved the first one. Even more people loved this one. People whom I was certain would hate these films have repeatedly told me how much they like them. It's done amazingly well at the box office despite horrible reviews. The movie opened to cheers and got a big round of applause at the end. People love it. It's just so bad. So goddamned bad. So bad I can barely understand how I'm the only one who seems to feel this way. But go see it. It's me. It's gotta be.
I give TransFormers: Revenge Of The Fallen 5 out of 10. But seriously, that's just me.
July 5th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
I disagree with your reveiw.
The ultimate aim of both of the transformers movies is not to have a story, but to act a a front for lots and lots of Really Big Explosions And Screaming.
The pseudo-plot acts as a hook to get people in to see the Really Big Explosions And Screaming. It is not an important part of the movie.
With this fact and the crappy filming in mind, this move earns 6/10.
July 5th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
My bad, Elfie, I clearly missed the point of the film. I change my rating.
Let me save you guys the price of a ticket. See that picture? Print that out in color on thick stock paper scaled to print on the whole page, and stick a thumb tack in the red dot. Then sit the pic on a flat surface and spin it around like a top. Get your face as close as you can to the pic while it spins and make machine gun, rocket engine and explosion sounds with your mouth. That’s the movie in a nutshell.
July 6th, 2009 at 6:26 am
From Tyler, because there are never enough reasons to hate Michael Bay:
July 6th, 2009 at 8:38 am
This “movie” was an absolute train wreck. Anybody who applauded after it was over needs to have their hands cut off or, at the very least, be taken out for an afternoon of electroshock.
It was FUCKING AWFUL. THEY GAVE A TRANSFORMER BALLS. FUCKING BALLS!!!!!! Yes, I mentioned this in a previous post but it’s perhaps one of the most monumentally FUCKTARDED movie moments in history!!
I only wish I could hurt this movie the way it hurt me.
July 6th, 2009 at 8:40 am
Hey Mikey Bay, did you also launch Scarlet Johansson’s and Ewan Mcgregor’s careers as well you arrogant horse humping ass-master?
July 6th, 2009 at 8:42 am
Dude, the Megan Fox link isn’t working! What’s up with that?
July 6th, 2009 at 8:51 am
uuuuuummmmmm…….why?
http://scifiwire.com/2009/07/news-briefs-asteroids-fli.php
The Hollywood Reporter says that Universal has won a four-studio bidding war to pick up the film rights to the classic Atari video game Asteroids, for which Matthew Lopez will write the script; the game, initially released in 1979, lets a player control a triangular spaceship to shoot and destroy hulking masses of rock and the occasional flying saucer while avoiding smashing into both
July 6th, 2009 at 8:54 am
This actually sounds pretty sweet:
http://scifiwire.com/2009/07/watchmens-zack-snyder-pre.php
July 6th, 2009 at 8:59 am
More Megan Fox goodness:
http://shocktillyoudrop.com/news/topnews.php?id=10988
July 6th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Link’s fixed. Also linked her other pic because why in the hell wouldn’t I? It’s Megan Fuckin’ Fox.
Do you see what I was saying in the article regarding her demeanor? She honestly seems to have it together. She saw the truth of the matter and said it frankly but without rancor, and still managed to give a nod to the movie that gave her her big break. And she’s 23. Michael Bay is 44 and he comes off like a whiny, petulant little child when confronted with the facts about his films. He doesn’t even seem capable of staying on the topic, he just says she’s wrong then takes credit for her success. He’s a fucking douchebag, but he helps illustrate my point beautifully. Michael Bay acts like a star. Megan Fox acts like an adult.
Put aside Meg’s looks (I can call her Meg ’cause we’re close like that) and you’re still left with an intelligent, forthright human being who displays more maturity and wisdom than a man almost twice her age. Here’s a complete list of all the women in the universe I have ever seen look as good as Megan Fox and still display her apparent levels of honesty, self possession and character:
The chick is awesome. I know that celebrities are human and they almost all are eventually worn down by the soul crushing, mind erasing existence that comes from living in LA. But some day when she too eventually, inevitably lets me down, I’ll be able to look back at this time and remember the Megan Fox that impressed me so much. I think I may be falling in love.
July 7th, 2009 at 7:06 am
http://scifiwire.com/2009/07/transformers-2-is-no-1-br.php
I post this link to emphasize how nuts the world has gone. If you look down through the comments you will find someone who actually believes this was a better movie than Batman:The Dark Knight (BTW, this person is so “up to speed” they refer to it as Batman:Returns) Their reason? It wasn’t in line with Batman’s mythology.
And Transformers was? FAIL.
July 7th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Holy shit, I forgot to mention one hilariously huge error in this movie. Talking last night with Q and The Doctor I remembered the Great Constructicon Swap Of 2009.
You see that misshapen mass of sharp angles and machine chunks? That’s Devastator climbing the great pyramid. He needs to get up there to destroy the top. He is an incredibly advanced war machine from an alien planet but for some reason does not have ranged weapons and sucks like Monica Lewinsky at climbing. It’s kind of painful to watch, like seeing an old man trying to climb wet stairs with a walker.
Anyway, Devastator is composed of a bunch of other robots called the Constructicons. So they’re all busy being parts of Devastator, right? I mean they’re occupied. They’re in the middle of something. They obviously can’t be somewhere else. They’re acting as arms and legs and torso pieces. They are otherwise engaged. So if Devastator is made out of the Constructicons, and Devastator is there at the pyramid, then logic dictates that the Constructicons are there at the pyramid, not somewhere else, right? That makes sense, right?
Nope. While Devastator is climbing the pyramid Sam and Megan are hiding from Decepticons in some shithole little villiage. There are about a dozen giant Decepticon robots searching for them in a settlement that is literally comprised of fewer structures than houses on my block, and half of them are just roofless, two walled ruins of buidings. A child could find these two. Decepticons must suck at Easter egg hunts.
Anywho, a skirmish breaks out among the Decepticon searchers and some human special forces troops, and more Decepticons show up as backup. Among them are Long Haul, the Constructicon dump truck, and Mixmaster, the Constructicon cement truck. They’re just there, walking around shooting people, not being Devastator parts. It wouldn’t be so obvious if it wasn’t for the fact that literally just fucking seconds before this scene LONG HAUL AND MIXMASTER EACH HAD FUCKING CLOSEUP EFFECT SHOTS THAT SPECIFICALLY SHOWED THEM BECOMING PARTS OF DEVASTATOR. I mean, it just fucking happened. Seconds ago. Those shots fucking focused on Long Haul and Mixmaster individually. We saw it happen. They are somewhere else. These scenes are taking place at the same god damn time. HOW THE HELL ARE THEY HERE?? WE JUST MOTHERFUCKING SAW THEM SOMEWHERE MOTHERFUCKING ELSE. I mean, Jesus Christ on a crutch. Give me a fucking break.
Then Bonecrusher, the landmine disposal truck from the first film, who’s big scene in the first movie was GETTING KILLED BY OPTIMUS PRIME, rolls through the battle. He’s dead. But there he is, just rolling around, not giving a fuck. I mean, come on, these characters can’t possibly be there. TWO OF THEM ARE ELSEWHERE AND ONE OF THEM IS FUCKING DEAD. DEAD! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN??
How does this happen? Not in context of the story, I mean in filmmaking. I honestly want to know, how does this happen? Seriously.
July 7th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Remember, it doesn’t have to make sense. Explosions and screaming, Chris… Explosions and screaming.
July 8th, 2009 at 12:47 am
Sorry, Elfie, you’re right. I do seem to keep losing my bearings on that issue, don’t I?
July 8th, 2009 at 7:48 am
Optimus Prime on Letterman:
July 8th, 2009 at 9:35 am
“Man, I love me some taters.” That’s good stuff.
July 10th, 2009 at 11:00 am
I would sooooooo buy one:
http://scifiwire.com/2009/07/tauntaun-sleeping-bag-inc.php#more
July 11th, 2009 at 6:39 am
The Smurfs? Seriously? I think Hollywood has successfully destroyed the once enjoyable wave of 80s nostalgia we were riding, so I can’t see how this is going to be good at all nor successful. This has ‘huge flop’ written all over it.
Then again, that tauntaun sleeping bag makes me think that we may have a few cool things from the 80s left to revisit after all.
July 13th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
I think there are plenty of thinks left from the 80s to revisit in their original form. There are still plenty of TV shows and movies that could be put on DVD or if they’ve already been released on DVD re-release them in super packaging. However, these things shouldn’t be revisted by re-making them into the steaming piles of crap that Hollywood seems to be churning out. I still say they could make more money by re-releasing the orginal stuff in theaters. I’m all for living in the 80s, but when it’s left in the 80s, if that makes since. Just my opinion
July 18th, 2009 at 9:44 am
Ah, another flick hoping reap the benefits of our nostalgia. Unfortunately much like Chris was required to see Transformers, I too would be required to see Voltron. It was one of my morning cartoon staples and probably my favorite show next to G.I.Joe at that time.
http://scifiwire.com/2009/07/voltron-to-get-the-transf.php
July 20th, 2009 at 8:34 am
You do know you can easily transfer iTunes files between machines right?
And if you do an online search there are dozens of pages telling how to work around the protection scheme of their file format if you need to convert them for other players. Pirating their shit is easy.
The comment about PC’s destroying Apple is based off the overall point I was trying to make (which you obviously missed). By being so proprietary they have severely hamstringed themselves across the entire market place and look like jack-asses while doing it. This wasn’t about protecting music, it was about Apple being pissed that one of their former execs left to help the competition with its product development.
And the glass comment, honestly, well that was just stupid.
July 20th, 2009 at 11:48 am
Ah, another flick hoping reap the benefits of our nostalgia. Unfortunately much like Chris was required to see Transformers, I too would be required to see Voltron. It was one of my morning cartoon staples and probably my favorite show next to G.I.Joe at that time.
http://scifiwire.com/2009/07/voltron-to-get-the-transf.php
July 20th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
Regardless of how easy it is to pirate their tunes, they HAVE to put forth an effort to prevent it, just like how Google and Adobe HAVE to put forth a token effort to prevent “googling” and “photoshoping” from becoming verbs – if they didn’t show an effort to protect their brand then they lose it. Do you think Apple would be able to secure so many contracts with record studios if they didn’t put forth at least a token effort to prevent people from copying them?
July 22nd, 2009 at 7:22 am
This looks like a pretty awesome collection. I just might have to get it:
http://scifiwire.com/2009/07/review-gi-joe-the-complet.php
July 22nd, 2009 at 7:25 am
It was only a matter of time:
http://scifiwire.com/2009/07/sam-raimi-to-direct-world.php
Sam Raimi to direct World of Warcraft movie
Forget Spider-Man: Director Sam Raimi has signed on to direct Warcraft, the live-action film adaptation of the fantasy MMORPG World of Warcraft, Variety reported:
Legendary Pictures and vidgame publisher Blizzard Entertainment are mounting the film, and Warner Bros. will co-finance and distribute. The team boasts an impressive pedigree: In addition to the director of Spider-Man, the partners have added The Dark Knight producer Charles Roven to the creative mix.
The plan is for Raimi to supervise development of Warcraft and shoot the picture after he completes work on Spider-Man 4, which gets under way early next year for Columbia Pictures. …
The Warcraft universe features an epic conflict between the Horde and the Alliance.
So … how would this work, exactly? Do audience members get to pick their avatars and go on quests? Can audience members in one theater form a guild with those in other theaters? And can Drag Me to Hell’s Raimi be the wizard who breaks the curse of crappy video-game-based movies?
July 22nd, 2009 at 1:40 pm
This one is for Chris:
http://jalopnik.com/5320385/chevy-camaro-transformers-edition-robogasm-in-plain-sight/gallery/
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:06 am
Makes a lot more sense when you consider it a Warcraft movie, not a World of Warcraft movie. Half the reason I play the game is because the story behind the world is fascinating as hell. If Blizzard’s animation studio would make their own movie of it I’d be hell-bent on seeing it. I even went back and played through Warcraft II and III…. sort of… that is to say, I was in god mode and just played through the missions… just to watch the cutscenes and see the events unfold.
I’ve extremely tempted to play Lord of the Rings online just because of the vast amount of lore and backstory.
July 23rd, 2009 at 6:58 am
Another for Chris:
http://www.esquire.com/women/women-we-love/megan-fox-pics-0609?link=emb&dom=msn_ent&src=syn&con=art&mag=esq#img
July 23rd, 2009 at 7:02 am
Proof a higher power exists:
http://www.esquire.com/the-side/video/megan-fox-video
July 24th, 2009 at 8:12 am
Speaking of slaughtering my childhood, didn’t I hear something about a Thundercats movie? Did that already happen? Please G-D tell me they changed their minds.
July 24th, 2009 at 8:57 am
I’ve heard those rumors as well. Nothing has come of it so far as I know.
You want even more carnage? Rumor control also has it movies for Robotech, He Man, and Voltron are also in the works.
My problem with movies like these is not that they’re being made, but the fact they’re usually written/directed by people who have zero passion for the source material, and subsequently care little about honoring its canon or spirit.
July 24th, 2009 at 8:57 am
BananaTron, according to IMDB and Wikipedia the Thundercats movie is still go. It’ll be a CGI animated film and is scheduled for release next year.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:48 am
I call JINX on Chris. We posted at the same time. You owe me a Coke.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Lots of interesting stuff here today. Too much to post links to.
http://scifiwire.com/index.php
However I will post a direct link to this and will be buying tickets if it makes near my house:
http://www.starwarsinconcert.com/
July 24th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Chris, can you check the moderator’s queue? The site is acting kinda goofy.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:50 am
Has anyone else been watching Wharehouse 13 on the SyFy channel? (I still can’t believed they changed the name) It’s actually a pretty good show and has some elements of what I would consider steam punk going on in it. There have only been three episodes and the characters are still developing but overall a pretty good show. Even Mr. X likes it and he is not a fan of scifi.
July 25th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Dan – Goofy how? Which is how an Apache greets a Disney character. Ba-dump-bump!
Mrs. X – Haven’t seen it, but I like the premise. And I agree, the new name is retarded. It’s about as meaningful as renaming a network Aich-Bee-Oh or LyfTym.
July 28th, 2009 at 9:24 am
This looks pretty interesting:
http://www.shocktillyoudrop.com/news/topnews.php
July 28th, 2009 at 9:25 am
Ok. That didn’t work. Try this link:
http://scifiwire.com/2009/07/dorian-gray-teaser-traile.php
July 28th, 2009 at 9:30 am
sweet:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8l0sJs1fh6I&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fscifiwire%2Ecom%2F2009%2F07%2Ftron%2Dlegacy%2Dlight%2Dcycle%2Df%2Ephp&feature=player_embedded
July 28th, 2009 at 9:36 am
Chris,
Site goofiness: Occasionally, it prompts me if I want to continue submitting my reply saying there are muliple instances of a random mundane word not even in the post.
July 28th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Additional note: Only occurs when I post something with a hyperlink.
July 29th, 2009 at 7:17 am
SIPPING VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous, he could hardly
speak.
After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday, he took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the
following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the spooky.
8.) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, we
don’t say he was stoned of his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”.
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take
this and eat it for it is my body”. He did not say “Eat me”.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the cherry”.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not “Rub a dub dub,
thanks for the grub, yeah God”.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peters,
not a peter pulling contest at St Taffys.
July 29th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Not great, but not bad.
http://scifiwire.com/2009/07/listen-to-daft-punks-tron.php
July 29th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
This is from an interview the LA Times did with Peter Jackson at comi con this year
GB: Certainly, it’s a place to introduce the new and celebrate the past, but I suppose what I was suggesting is that these days it seems difficult to make a big special-effects film unless it’s based on some pre-existing, known quantity in pop-culture, such as a novel, comic book, video game, TV show, toy line or previous movie. You look at the Harry Potter films, “Iron Man,” “Star Trek,” “Transformers”…
PJ I mean, personally I think thatâ��s one of the most depressing things about the film industry generally today. The writers and directors should be blamed just as much as the studios because really everything seems to be a remake or adapting a 1970s TV show that was never particularly good. Why anyone thinks that it would be a good feature film now, you know, goodness knows why. And I guess itâ��s easy to say it’s security that you know a studio is only prepared to put $150 million or $200 million into something if itâ��s a known quantity. But at the same time Iâ��m also aware that audiences are getting fed up with the lack of original ideas and original stories. And if you look back to the great days of “Star Wars” and “Indiana Jones” and those sorts of movies, they werenâ��t based on TV shows, they werenâ��t based on comics. They were inspired by them and they had DNA in them which came from years of Flash Gordon and various things in the past but nonetheless they were original. And yet we seem to be incapable as a general industry, which includes not just the studios but the filmmakers and writers and directors, we seem to be incapable of doing that now for some reason. Itâ��s a little bit depressing. But hopefully itâ��s a cycle. Everything in the film business tends to be cyclic and hopefully this all drains itself out in a couple years and weâ��ll be back into original stories again.
I totally agree with his assesment and have been screaming about it for years. I just hope he’s right about the cyclical thing, but I doubt it.
July 30th, 2009 at 7:51 am
I hate to say it, but I think were screwed until the economy stabilizes.
July 31st, 2009 at 7:15 am
Sweet!
http://scifiwire.com/2009/07/ridley-scott-to-direct-al.php
July 31st, 2009 at 7:04 pm
I really dig Peter Jackson’s movies, but his comments seem a little hypocritical. It’s hard to take his criticisms of unoriginal ideas seriously when his big successes have been a remake of a 1930s monster movie and an adaptation of a world famous series of sword and sorcery books.
August 3rd, 2009 at 11:27 am
A little hypocritical? You’re far more generous a person than I.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
o.k. Just read the “profile” for Snake Eyes on the official G.I.Joe movie website. LAME!
He takes a vow of silence because his martial arts master is slain by a fellow student (Storm Shadow). FUCKING RETARDED. And there are clips where we see his mouth. The ONLY good new is that he’s portrayed by the same guy who played Darth Maul and Toad so the action will be authentic.
August 6th, 2009 at 6:42 am
You definitely want to check out http://www.woot.com today – they are selling Framed Star Wars Film Cells for $19.99.
Just thought I would let everyone know.
Peace,
Frog Boy
August 6th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Another ’80s icon is gone. John Hughes, the writer and director remembered best for churning out classic teen movies such as The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Weird Science and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, as well as the scripts for others, including Pretty in Pink, Some Kind of Wonderful, National Lampoon’s Vacation, Home Alone, and Miracle on 34th Street, suffered a lethal heart attack this morning while taking a walk in New York City. He was only 59. For those of us who grew up in the ’80s, Hughes was a legend, perhaps one of the first filmmakers we knew of by name and could associate with a certain brand of movie.
Though he’ll forever be pegged to the teen genre, he was more generally an expert in film comedy, having scripted such favorites as Mr. Mom and National Lampoon’s Vacation prior to his debut as a director with Sixteen Candles. After cementing himself as the teen-movie master he also helmed non-teen comedies like Planes, Trains and Automobiles and Uncle Buck and later stuck primarily to writing younger-targeted fare like Home Alone, Beethoven and Baby’s Day Out. It’s mostly when another high school-set film is made even nowadays that we still think of Hughes and use his work as a ruler with which to measure the genre by.
Hughes dropped out of directing in 1991, although he still produced and wrote scripts up until 1998. He will most certainly be remembered forever for all of the many movies that he brought us over the years.
August 9th, 2009 at 10:01 am
Out on the farm. With dial up. I’ll update soon.
August 10th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Star Wars: Death Troopers by Joe Schreiber ($16; October 13) eschews the Jedi heroics the series is known for, instead inserting another great class of beings: zombies. After an Imperial prison barge breaks down, a team is sent to an abandoned Star Destroyer to salvage whatever they can find, only to return carrying a zombifying disease that leaves the half-dozen survivors fighting for their lives aboard the isolated, forgotten starship.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0345509625/uncrate-20
August 11th, 2009 at 8:10 am
Those poor Storm Troopers don’t stand a chance.
August 11th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Many people believe that Asians are genetically more intelligent than other races, and have a natural ability to succeed at mental tasks that other races might find challenging or outright impossible. In a related story:
August 12th, 2009 at 7:37 am
I’m cautiously optimistic:
http://www.getthebigpicture.net/blog/2009/8/12/warner-bros-puts-it-all-together-for-a-lego-movie.html
August 12th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Does anyone remember Rubik The Amazing Cube? It was a cartoon adaptation of the Rubik’s Cube.
Rubik, a magical cube-like creature with more superpowers than the Justice League and X-Men combined, fell out of an evil magician’s stagecoach and into the hands of the Rodriguez children, three Hispanic kids who were, conveniently, fucking geniuses at solving a Rubik’s Cube. Rubik and the kids fought against such enemies as malevolent sorcerers and elementary school bullies. Rubik himself was a slave, and belonged to whomever solved him last, which was sometimes forest animals.
I’m afraid a Lego movie might make exactly that much sense. And if you think I’m just being negative, please consider that we live in a moviegoing world where G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra has so far made over $100 million, and already had a confirmed sequel.
August 12th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
The only reason I’m caustiously optimistic is because Lego creates basic story lines for most of their themed sets. A good writer could take one and run with it.
Heck, they already made a Lego movie based on the Bionicle line.
Hey! G.I.Joe was a decent movie……compared to Transformers 2
Let’s face it, having to decide which of these movies was better is like being forced to choose between two bowls of shit, where the only difference is the smell.
For me, the funk of G.I.Joe was overwhelmed by the vile putrescence spewed forth from Transformers. At least G.I.Joe’s storyline, despite it’s incredibly, pathetic bastardization of established canon, had a modicum of coherence with no glaring contradictions or obvious racial stereotypes.
OH and you know what else it didn’t have: A GIANT ROBOTS WITH FUCKING BALLS.
August 12th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
sorry, in that last line it should have said robot. My inner rage welled forth, clouding my mind for a second.
August 13th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/Music/08/13/obit.les.paul/index.html
CNN) — Les Paul, whose innovations with the electric guitar and studio technology made him one of the most important figures in recorded music, has died, according to a statement from his publicists. Paul was 94.
Les Paul, whose innovations helped give rise to modern pop music, played guitar into his 90s.
Paul died in White Plains, New York, from complications of severe pneumonia, according to the statement.
Paul was a guitar and electronics mastermind whose creations — such as multitrack recording, tape delay and the solid-body guitar that bears his name, the Gibson Les Paul — helped give rise to modern popular music, including rock ‘n’ roll. No slouch on the guitar himself, he continued playing at clubs into his 90s despite being hampered by arthritis.
“If you only have two fingers [to work with], you have to think, how will you play that chord?” he told CNN.com in a 2002 phone interview. “So you think of how to replace that chord with several notes, and it gives the illusion of sounding like a chord.”
Guitarists mourned the loss Thursday.
“Les Paul set a standard for musicianship and innovation that remains unsurpassed. He was the original guitar hero, and the kindest of souls,” said Joe Satriani in a statement. “Last October I joined him onstage at the Iridium club in [New York], and he was still shredding. He was and still is an inspiration to us all.”
“Les Paul was a shining example of how full one’s life can be, he was so vibrant and full of positive energy,” said Slash in a statement.
Lester William Polfuss was born in Waukesha, Wisconsin, on June 9, 1915. Even as a child he showed an aptitude for tinkering, taking apart electric appliances to see what made them tick.
“I had to build it, make it and perfect it,” Paul said in 2002. He was nicknamed the “Wizard of Waukesha.”
In the 1930s and ’40s, he played with the bandleader Fred Waring and several big band singers, including Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra and the Andrews Sisters, as well as with his own Les Paul Trio. In the early 1950s, he had a handful of huge hits with his then-wife, Mary Ford, such as “How High the Moon” and “Vaya Con Dios.”
His guitar style, heavily influenced by jazzman Django Reinhardt, featured lightning-quick runs and double-time rhythms. In 1948, after being involved in a severe car accident, he asked the doctor to set his arm permanently in a guitar-playing position.
Paul also credited Crosby for teaching him about timing, phrasing and preparation.
Crosby “didn’t say it, he did it — one time only. Unless he blew the lyrics, he did one take.”
Paul never stopped tinkering with electronics, and after Crosby gave him an early audiotape recorder, Paul went to work changing it. It eventually led to multitrack recording; on Paul and Ford’s hits, he plays many of the guitar parts, and Ford harmonizes with herself. Multitrack recording is now the industry standard.
But Paul likely will be best remembered for the Gibson Les Paul, a variation on the solid-body guitar he built in the early 1940s — “The Log” — and offered to the guitar company.
“For 10 years, I was a laugh,” he told CNN in an interview. “[But] kept pounding at them and pounding at them saying hey, here’s where it’s at. Here’s where tomorrow, this is it. You can drown out anybody with it. And you can make all these different sounds that you can’t do with a regular guitar.”
Gibson, spurred by rival Fender, finally took Paul up on his offer and introduced the model in 1952. It has since become the go-to guitar for such performers as Jimmy Page.
“The world has lost a truly innovative and exceptional human being today. I cannot imagine life without Les Paul,” said Henry Juszkiewicz, Chairman and CEO of Gibson Guitar, in a statement. “He would walk into a room and put a smile on anyone’s face. His musical charm was extraordinary and his techniques unmatched anywhere in the world.”
Paul is enshrined in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the Grammy Hall of Fame, the Inventors Hall of Fame and the Songwriters Hall of Fame. He is survived by three sons, a daughter, five grandchildren and five great-grandchildren. Until recently he had a standing gig at New York’s Iridium Jazz Club, where he would play with a who’s-who of famed musicians.
He admired the places guitarists and engineers took his inventions, but he said there was nothing to replace good, old-fashioned elbow grease and soul.
“I learned a long time ago that one note can go a long way if it’s the right one,” he said in 2002, “and it will probably whip the guy with 20 notes.”
August 14th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Interesting:
http://www.apple.com/trailers/sony_pictures/legion/
August 21st, 2009 at 2:34 pm
My son told me to check out your blog and I must say I’m impressed, very helpful.
Chris’s note: Ah, my ignorant little spam message. Everything you said is so sadly untrue. You are a false posting, a computer generated lie. You have no son. Additionally, this is not a blog, and we here at The Sci-Fi Guys strive to be as unimpressive and unhelpful as possible. So few words and so many errors. Perhaps you should get a job at FOX News.
August 21st, 2009 at 11:36 pm
HIDDEN!
HIDDEN!
Artist: Europe
Album: The Final Countdown, 1986
HIDDEN!