DEC 10 – Christmas Time Is Here!
After my pathetic one-entry Halloween celebration and my complete lack of Turkitron for Thanksgiving, I think it's time I get my ass in gear and start writing again. So put on your Santa cap and come on in, 'cause it's time to deck the halls with a good old-fashioned Sci-Fi Guys Christmas.

Here's the deal: I was totally in the mood for Halloween this year. I was jazzed about it. The whole month of October I immersed myself in bat-shaped candy and spider web decorations. I listened to "Dead Man's Party" a minimum of 7000 times. I was just enjoying Halloween so much I didn't feel like taking time to write about it. I'd find something noteworthy, I'd enjoy the hell out of it, then sit down in front of the keyboard and think "Fuck this." Why spend all that time typing when I could watch Addams Family Values and Creepshow 2 for the 27th time that week? I caught a serious case of the fuckits, and I've let it ride for the last two months right up until now.
But I admit it; I'm ashamed. I've let myself get lazy. I feel like I owe you an apology and an explanation, so here it comes. My reasons were twofold.

Reason The First: Sitting in front of a PC is emotionally deleterious. The depression of unemployment constantly looms like a storm cloud. I try not to spend too much time listless in front of a computer, 'cause that won't help at all. That's about as depressing as it gets. I also try not to talk about it too much, but when you're out of work it becomes the favorite conversation topic of everyone you know. Don't get me wrong, I know people are asking because they're genuinely concerned. It's just that the people who care about me the most are naturally the people I see most often, and are therefore the ones I have to talk to about it the most.
It's embarrassing and depressing enough to have to tell your friends and family that you got laid off at the time it happens, but when you have to explain it all over again every fucking time you see them, it gets downright bleak. No, Aunt Betty, I still haven't found anyone who wants to hire me. Please be sure to ask me again when you see me in four days, because there's nothing better than having to constantly re-examine the pathetic state of my life. Also, be sure to ask me when no one else is around so that I have to explain it to them separately when they inevitably bring it up. You know how much I love talking about how bad things are for me? Well, if there's one thing I love even more than that it's having to repeat myself a hundred million fucking times. I'm also fat, broke, bitter, angry, and lonely for yet another holiday season, and I can repeatedly discuss those things at length, too, if you'd like. I live but to serve.
Reason The Second: I can't afford replacement parts. Those of you out there who have been laid off like me know that the job market is razor thin right now. Thus cash is thin, too. This is directly related to the lack of original images on this site lately. You see, sometime in the last two months I lost my USB cable for my digital camera. It's a cable specially designed by Kodak to fuck the customer right in the ass if lost, and I can't afford to replace it right now. I have three articles worth of photos on that camera that I can't get to. I hate the idea of stealing images from other sites when I know I have superior pics of my own, but that's what I'm stuck with right now. That does not increase my eagerness to pen new material. So until I get up enough cash to pay Eastman-Kodak to skewer me in the poop chute, I'm going to have to keep posting inappropriate sexual imagery like the ones so far in this article, which I do because I'm ridiculously horny and I haven't been laid since the Coolidge administration.
But now I've got the spirit, and the spirit is "Fuck it; it's Christmas." So let's make with the sci-fi.
Every year the whores at LucasFilm trot out more Star Wars themed Christmas junk with the words "Limited Edition" and "Collectors Series" and "Exclusive" printed in gold foil on the packages, and every year toy collectors and Star Wars fanboys buy into the lies and shell out wads of green to own yet another version of Darth Vader wearing a Santa hat and doing something vaguely Star Wars-ish and/or Christmassy. It's all very sad.
These toys will never be worth anything. You can print all the limited edition serial numbers on them you like, but the truth of the matter is that these things are produced in such mass quantities and there are so many would-be "investors" hoarding them that they will never be rare. The big money from toy collecting has passed, because now that the 70s and 80s Star Wars, G.I. Joe, Barbie and Transformers toys are selling for a mint, every toy manufacturer in the universe is packaging their toys as if they are the next craze. Seriously, go to a megamart and check out the toy aisles. It's repulsive. Every other toy in the fucking store will be packaged as "limited" or "exclusive," which is true only in the sense that the toys are "limited" to the millions they can sell and have already planned to produce, and "exclusive" to that range of humanity which fits the criterion "any carbon-based life form that wants to buy one and has enough money." Collecting these toys as an investment is logically and finanacially retarded. There's only one reason to collect any Yuletide Star Wars plastic these days – because it's cool.
Ah, feast your eyes. Now that's cool. I will break off my car's antenna and use it to mercilessly whip the nuts off the next fanboy douchebag who thinks his Vader/Yoda/C3P0 head in a Santa hat ornament is clever or original. It isn't. It's been done to death and I'm sick of it. But this… well, this is just pretty. I love everything about this, from the "To: Jabba" gift tag and the candy cane blaster right down to the little Christmas bow on the thermal detonator. This is how Star Wars Christmas should be done. Of course it's not cheap; $50 for an 8 inch statue seems a little steep in the current economy, which means I won't be owning one of these any time soon. But if you were to drop a Grant on one I'd be hard pressed to criticize you. These things are cherry. The icing on the cake is that they're not produced by Hasbro, so all you hard core Lucas haters out there can rest assured that ol' Georgie boy won't profit too greatly from your lack of fiscal responsibilty this holiday season. And isn't the petty intention to screw an aging, dim-witted millionaire out of a few cents really what Christmas is all about? God bless us, every one!





December 10th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
December 10th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
The second trailer is out and looks badass. It comes out in May a couple weeks after Star Trek! Sweet.
December 11th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Once again confirming Hollywood is incapable of producing anything original:
http://www.scifi.com/scifiwire/index.php?category=0&id=62752&type=0
December 11th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
I certainly hope this movie is more watchable than the TV show. Sitting through one of those episodes was like getting a root canal without any pain killers.
http://www.scifi.com/scifiwire/index.php?category=0&id=62730&type=0
December 11th, 2008 at 8:25 pm
December 12th, 2008 at 8:25 am
Ummm….thanks Mr. Woodall for the insightful lesson. Can I have the restroom pass now, please?
December 12th, 2008 at 11:37 am
this looks vaguely interesting:
http://www.scifi.com/scifiwire/index.php?category=0&id=62771
December 12th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Vaguely? I think that sounds like a hell of an idea. Very Lost or Twilight Zone-ish. I would definitley see this based on the pitch.
December 12th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Betty Mae “Bettie” Page
April 22, 1923 – December 11, 2008
December 12th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
I saw the previews for “Knowing”. It looked great.
Mark
December 14th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
The Top 6 Things Overheard at the U.S.S. Enterprise Holiday Party
6> “That’s nothing. Data is using the replicator to make *actual* copies of his butt.”
5> “Captain, I understand my Vulcan characteristics reduce costume and makeup costs, but it is not logical to cast me as Santa’s elf in the ship’s Christmas play.”
4> “The Captain’s standing under the mistletoe. Again.”
3> “If I hear ‘Grandma Got Run Over By A Starship’ one more time I’m gonna puke.”
2> “This sugar cookie is without honor.”
and the Number 1 Thing Overheard at the U.S.S. Enterprise Holiday Party…
1> “Someone used those darn Tribbles as ornaments and now you can’t even see the tree!”
[ Copyright 2008 by Chris White ]
[ http://www.topfive.com ]
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Selected from 22 submissions from 6 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:
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Guy Reeves, Houston, TX — 1
Donald Johnson, Cincinnati, OH — 2, 6
James Knowles, Bellingham, WA — 3, 5
Bruce Kane, Charlotte, NC — 4, Topic
Dave Oberhart, Durham, NC — SF List Moderator
========================
TOPFIVE.COM’S LITTLE FIVERS
“Top 10″ lists on a variety of subjects
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Copyright 2008 by Chris White All rights reserved. Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner without crediting “TopFive.com”
========================
December 15th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
OK. After watching the trailer for the “Knowing” I’ve gone from “vaguely interested” to “HELL YEAH I”M GOING TO SEE THIS MOVIE!”
December 16th, 2008 at 8:13 am
For all you Trekkies:
http://www.scifi.com/scifiwire/index.php?category=0&id=62917
December 16th, 2008 at 8:18 am
If they do bring back Jeff Bridges this movie has a chance.
http://www.scifi.com/scifiwire/index.php?category=0&id=62933
December 16th, 2008 at 8:24 am
Poor Lana Lang. Talk about a career killing movie.
December 16th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
The Knowing sounds original, I think I would see it. On the remake front anyone else hear that they are gonna remake They Live? That would be the 1980’s b movie with Rowdy Rowdy Piper. Sorry but that’s scraping the bottom of the barrel.
December 16th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
Need a Job, I need an IT man since
retirement. Come see me soon!
December 19th, 2008 at 10:48 am
HIDDEN!
Artist: Zager and Evans, 1967
HIDDEN!
December 22nd, 2008 at 8:14 am
That’s the name of the show? Are you fucking kidding me?
December 22nd, 2008 at 9:56 am
hmmm…maybe I’ll make a new show about 4 female vampires who live in New York and call it “Whores”. Oh wait, wasn’t this already done with “Sex and the City”?
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:35 am
Urban fantasies are among the hottest new genres being written in the book world. Most them star some gritty female who is either a magic wielder or paranatural in some way.
Most of them are pretty good…I may be in the minority but I would LOVE to see “Bitches”. What was the name of that short lived werewolf series…”Wolf Lake” I think? I liked that.
Mark
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:12 am
un-frikkin-believable. Why? That’s my only question. WHY!!!????
http://www.2000adonline.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=23822
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:57 am
…and on the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…. 5 Star Wars Millennium Falcon Sleds!!!
http://www.ohgizmo.com/2008/12/15/ogcc-day-15-star-wars-millennium-falcon-sled/
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Bitches has definitely got my attention. I’d give it a shot.
In answer to the question ‘why?’ concerning the new Judge Dredd movie, the reasons are simple: 1) Comic book movies are the hottest properties in Hollywood at the moment, and 2) Judge Dredd has a fucking HUGE international fan-base. Making this movie is a very safe bet, financially speaking. I wouldn’t be surprised of this drew some major funding as well as star power. Just because the first one wasn’t up to snuff doesn’t mean this one won’t be. If I was a Hollywood financier I’d back this movie. Unless some outrageously idiotic choices are made, it’s going to make money.
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Really? “Bitches” has your attention? I am genuinely surprised.
Given the stupid title and the fact that it’s being coined as “quirky urban fairy tale” leaves me with little hope.
So…. the real answer to my question is “Hollywood is simply being a whore for the European market”. After all, the original movie cost $85 million to make and it grossed not quite $35 million in the U.S. However it took in nearly $79 million oversees.
I’m betting we’ll see similar a similar peformance in numbers again. And that’s IF they get a major hollywood player. If they don’t, American audiences will have no reason to be interested.
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:38 pm
hmmm….put an extra similar in there. please ignore
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:22 pm
February 23, 1932 – December 18, 2008
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Majel Barret completed her final recordings as the voice of the original USS Enterprise’s computer just before her death, and we will be able to hear her once again when Star Trek is released in 2009.
December 23rd, 2008 at 6:01 am
Majel Barret was one of my favorite characters in ST:NG when she played Lawaxana Troi. That’s how I remember her best…Mark
December 23rd, 2008 at 6:39 am
Here is a link to a fan tribute video for Majel Barret…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3WOY9SwyOs
Mark
December 23rd, 2008 at 6:58 am
I always remember her as Christine Chapel. And not just because she was a hell of good looking woman back then (its her legs; watch some of the old episodes and you’ll see what I mean – DAMN). I always thought it was a great idea that they had a human female be so attracted to Spock, and that his constant need to reject her affections because of his Vulcan philosophy just made her like him more. There’s something so real about that, and I thought it was a great addition to the whole of Trek lore.
Majel Barrett was there from the beginning. Before Shatner or any of the rest we brought on board, she and Leonard Nimoy were there for the 1964 pilot episode of Star Trek, and were the only two that made it to the regular series when it went on the air two years later. In the pilot, she played “Number One,” the second in command of the starship Enterprise under Captain Christopher Pike, whom we will also see again in 2009. When Gene Roddenberry created Star Trek: The Next Generation twentysomething years later, he referred back to his original version of Star Trek for inspiration, and that’s why Captain Piccard referred to Will Riker as “Number One” during his time on the Enterprise-D.
Mark, if it’s more Lwaxana Troi you’re looking for, be sure to check out Deep Space Nine. She showed up and caused trouble on quite a few episodes. I thought her inclusion in DS9 was especially entertaining, because it showed that the character could stand on her own and didn’t require the mother-daughter dynamic with Deanna Troi to be effective.
December 23rd, 2008 at 7:47 am
Is it just me, or have we had to say goodbye to a lot of really great people in 2008? Gary Gygax, Stan Winston, George Carlin, Betty Page, Deep Throat, and now Majel Barrett. All people who were in on the ground floor of things that changed their respective industries. What the hell is up with this year? I wish New Years Day would hurry up and get here so no one else dies on us. Apparently 2008 loves to kill innovators.
December 23rd, 2008 at 8:27 am
I guess Father Time was in a pissy mood this year.
Star Trek Update (and another sign the world will end soon):
December 23rd, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Yeah, I think I can agree on that one:
2008 was an exceptionally shitty year in which I said good-bye to some of the most precious and dear things in my heart.
December 26th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Oh my fucking god.
Best. Boxing. Day. EVER.
Full article to come once I get some sleep and sober up.
December 26th, 2008 at 11:19 pm
HIDDEN!
Artist: Loreena McKennitt
Album: A Winter Garden: Five Songs for the Season, 1995
HIDDEN!
December 31st, 2008 at 10:17 am
didn’t want to mess with the 12 days of Christmas:
http://www.usatoday.com/life/l081229_transformers2/flash.htm?gid=831
March 3rd, 2010 at 12:17 am
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March 11th, 2010 at 6:43 am
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Tre
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