DEC 10 – Christmas Time Is Here!

After my pathetic one-entry Halloween celebration and my complete lack of Turkitron for Thanksgiving, I think it's time I get my ass in gear and start writing again. So put on your Santa cap and come on in, 'cause it's time to deck the halls with a good old-fashioned Sci-Fi Guys Christmas.

Here's the deal: I was totally in the mood for Halloween this year. I was jazzed about it. The whole month of October I immersed myself in bat-shaped candy and spider web decorations. I listened to "Dead Man's Party" a minimum of 7000 times. I was just enjoying Halloween so much I didn't feel like taking time to write about it. I'd find something noteworthy, I'd enjoy the hell out of it, then sit down in front of the keyboard and think "Fuck this." Why spend all that time typing when I could watch Addams Family Values and Creepshow 2 for the 27th time that week? I caught a serious case of the fuckits, and I've let it ride for the last two months right up until now.

But I admit it; I'm ashamed. I've let myself get lazy. I feel like I owe you an apology and an explanation, so here it comes. My reasons were twofold.

Reason The First:  Sitting in front of a PC is emotionally deleterious. The depression of unemployment constantly looms like a storm cloud. I try not to spend too much time listless in front of a computer, 'cause that won't help at all. That's about as depressing as it gets. I also try not to talk about it too much, but when you're out of work it becomes the favorite conversation topic of everyone you know. Don't get me wrong, I know people are asking because they're genuinely concerned. It's just that the people who care about me the most are naturally the people I see most often, and are therefore the ones I have to talk to about it the most.

It's embarrassing and depressing enough to have to tell your friends and family that you got laid off at the time it happens, but when you have to explain it all over again every fucking time you see them, it gets downright bleak. No, Aunt Betty, I still haven't found anyone who wants to hire me. Please be sure to ask me again when you see me in four days, because there's nothing better than having to constantly re-examine the pathetic state of my life. Also, be sure to ask me when no one else is around so that I have to explain it to them separately when they inevitably bring it up. You know how much I love talking about how bad things are for me? Well, if there's one thing I love even more than that it's having to repeat myself a hundred million fucking times. I'm also fat, broke, bitter, angry, and lonely for yet another holiday season, and I can repeatedly discuss those things at length, too, if you'd like. I live but to serve.

Reason The Second:  I can't afford replacement parts. Those of you out there who have been laid off like me know that the job market is razor thin right now. Thus cash is thin, too. This is directly related to the lack of original images on this site lately. You see, sometime in the last two months I lost my USB cable for my digital camera. It's a cable specially designed by Kodak to fuck the customer right in the ass if lost, and I can't afford to replace it right now. I have three articles worth of photos on that camera that I can't get to. I hate the idea of stealing images from other sites when I know I have superior pics of my own, but that's what I'm stuck with right now. That does not increase my eagerness to pen new material. So until I get up enough cash to pay Eastman-Kodak to skewer me in the poop chute, I'm going to have to keep posting inappropriate sexual imagery like the ones so far in this article, which I do because I'm ridiculously horny and I haven't been laid since the Coolidge administration.

But now I've got the spirit, and the spirit is "Fuck it; it's Christmas."  So let's make with the sci-fi.

Every year the whores at LucasFilm trot out more Star Wars themed Christmas junk with the words "Limited Edition" and "Collectors Series" and "Exclusive" printed in gold foil on the packages, and every year toy collectors and Star Wars fanboys buy into the lies and shell out wads of green to own yet another version of Darth Vader wearing a Santa hat and doing something vaguely Star Wars-ish and/or Christmassy. It's all very sad.

These toys will never be worth anything. You can print all the limited edition serial numbers on them you like, but the truth of the matter is that these things are produced in such mass quantities and there are so many would-be "investors" hoarding them that they will never be rare. The big money from toy collecting has passed, because now that the 70s and 80s Star Wars, G.I. Joe, Barbie and Transformers toys are selling for a mint, every toy manufacturer in the universe is packaging their toys as if they are the next craze. Seriously, go to a megamart and check out the toy aisles. It's repulsive. Every other toy in the fucking store will be packaged as "limited" or "exclusive," which is true only in the sense that the toys are "limited" to the millions they can sell and have already planned to produce, and "exclusive" to that range of humanity which fits the criterion "any carbon-based life form that wants to buy one and has enough money." Collecting these toys as an investment is logically and finanacially retarded. There's only one reason to collect any Yuletide Star Wars plastic these days – because it's cool.

Ah, feast your eyes. Now that's cool. I will break off my car's antenna and use it to mercilessly whip the nuts off the next fanboy douchebag who thinks his Vader/Yoda/C3P0 head in a Santa hat ornament is clever or original. It isn't. It's been done to death and I'm sick of it. But this… well, this is just pretty. I love everything about this, from the "To: Jabba" gift tag and the candy cane blaster right down to the little Christmas bow on the thermal detonator. This is how Star Wars Christmas should be done. Of course it's not cheap; $50 for an 8 inch statue seems a little steep in the current economy, which means I won't be owning one of these any time soon. But if you were to drop a Grant on one I'd be hard pressed to criticize you. These things are cherry. The icing on the cake is that they're not produced by Hasbro, so all you hard core Lucas haters out there can rest assured that ol' Georgie boy won't profit too greatly from your lack of fiscal responsibilty this holiday season. And isn't the petty intention to screw an aging, dim-witted millionaire out of a few cents really what Christmas is all about? God bless us, every one!

41 Responses to “DEC 10 – Christmas Time Is Here!”

  1. Balthazar Says:

  2. Balthazar Says:

    The second trailer is out and looks badass. It comes out in May a couple weeks after Star Trek! Sweet.

  3. danm Says:

    Once again confirming Hollywood is incapable of producing anything original:

    http://www.scifi.com/scifiwire/index.php?category=0&id=62752&type=0

  4. danm Says:

    I certainly hope this movie is more watchable than the TV show. Sitting through one of those episodes was like getting a root canal without any pain killers.

    http://www.scifi.com/scifiwire/index.php?category=0&id=62730&type=0

  5. Frog Boy Says:

    Biggest Full Moon of the Year

    Dec. 9, 2008: No, you can not see Neil Armstrong’s footprint. But go ahead and look: The full Moon of Dec. 12th is the biggest and brightest full Moon of the year.

    It’s no illusion. Some full Moons are genuinely larger than others and this Friday’s is a whopper. Why? The Moon’s orbit is an ellipse with one side 50,000 km closer to Earth than the other. In the language of astronomy, the two extremes are called “apogee” (far away) and “perigee” (nearby). On Dec. 12th, the Moon becomes full a scant 4 hours after reaching perigee, making it 14% bigger and 30% brighter than lesser full Moons we’ve seen earlier in 2008.


    Above: In 2004, Greek amateur astronomer Anthony Ayiomamitis photographed an apogee Moon and a perigee Moon, and set the images side by side to show the difference. Click for a larger image.

    A perigee Moon brings with it extra-high “perigean tides,” but this is nothing to worry about, according to NOAA. In most places, lunar gravity at perigee pulls tide waters only a few centimeters (an inch or so) higher than usual. Local geography can amplify the effect to about 15 centimeters (six inches)–not exactly a great flood.

    Okay, the Moon is 14% bigger, but can you actually tell the difference? It’s tricky. There are no rulers floating in the sky to measure lunar diameters. Hanging high overhead with no reference points to provide a sense of scale, one full Moon looks much like any other.

    The best time to look is when the Moon is near the horizon. That is when illusion mixes with reality to produce a truly stunning view. For reasons not fully understood by astronomers or psychologists, low-hanging Moons look unnaturally large when they beam through trees, buildings and other foreground objects. On Friday, why not let the “Moon illusion” amplify a full Moon that’s extra-big to begin with? The swollen orb rising in the east at sunset may seem so nearby, you can almost reach out and touch it.

    But you still won’t be able to see Armstrong’s footprint. Not even Hubble can do that. The Moon is 384,400 km away (on average). At that distance, the smallest things Hubble can distinguish are about 60 meters wide. The biggest pieces of left-behind Apollo equipment are only about 9 meters across and smaller than a single pixel in a Hubble image.

    What you will see is the world around you. This is both the brightest and (in the northern hemisphere) the highest-riding full Moon of the year. If you go outside around midnight it will be close to overhead and act like a cosmic floodlamp making the landscape absolutely brilliant, especially if there’s snow. Full moons are always high during winter and, indeed, the solstice is right around the corner on Dec. 21st.

    A fun experiment: Take a friend outside on Friday evening and ask if they notice anything unusual. Is the Moon big and bright enough to impress the unwary? Explain perigee later….

  6. Mandy Says:

    Ummm….thanks Mr. Woodall for the insightful lesson. Can I have the restroom pass now, please?

  7. danm Says:

    this looks vaguely interesting:

    In 1958, as part of the dedication ceremony for a new elementary school, a group of students is asked to draw pictures to be stored in a time capsule. But one mysterious girl fills her sheet of paper with rows of apparently random numbers instead.

    Fifty years later, a new generation of students examines the capsule’s contents, and the girl’s cryptic message ends up in the hands of young Caleb Koestler. But it is Caleb’s father, professor John Koestler (Cage), who makes the startling discovery that the encoded message predicts with pinpoint accuracy the dates, death tolls and coordinates of every major disaster of the past 50 years. As he further unravels the document’s chilling secrets, he realizes the document foretells three additional events–the last of which hints at destruction on a global scale and seems to somehow involve him and his son.

    Knowing opens March 20, 2009.

    http://www.scifi.com/scifiwire/index.php?category=0&id=62771

  8. Chris Says:

    Vaguely? I think that sounds like a hell of an idea. Very Lost or Twilight Zone-ish. I would definitley see this based on the pitch.

  9. Chris Says:


    Betty Mae “Bettie” Page
    April 22, 1923 – December 11, 2008

  10. Mark Says:

    I saw the previews for “Knowing”. It looked great.

    Mark

  11. Chris Says:

    The Top 6 Things Overheard at the U.S.S. Enterprise Holiday Party

    6> “That’s nothing. Data is using the replicator to make *actual* copies of his butt.”

    5> “Captain, I understand my Vulcan characteristics reduce costume and makeup costs, but it is not logical to cast me as Santa’s elf in the ship’s Christmas play.”

    4> “The Captain’s standing under the mistletoe. Again.”

    3> “If I hear ‘Grandma Got Run Over By A Starship’ one more time I’m gonna puke.”

    2> “This sugar cookie is without honor.”

    and the Number 1 Thing Overheard at the U.S.S. Enterprise Holiday Party…

    1> “Someone used those darn Tribbles as ornaments and now you can’t even see the tree!”

    [ Copyright 2008 by Chris White ]
    [ http://www.topfive.com ]

    ========================
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    This week’s list authors are:
    ========================
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    Donald Johnson, Cincinnati, OH — 2, 6
    James Knowles, Bellingham, WA — 3, 5
    Bruce Kane, Charlotte, NC — 4, Topic
    Dave Oberhart, Durham, NC — SF List Moderator
    ========================
    TOPFIVE.COM’S LITTLE FIVERS
    “Top 10″ lists on a variety of subjects
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  12. danm Says:

    OK. After watching the trailer for the “Knowing” I’ve gone from “vaguely interested” to “HELL YEAH I”M GOING TO SEE THIS MOVIE!”

  13. danm Says:

    For all you Trekkies:

    http://www.scifi.com/scifiwire/index.php?category=0&id=62917

  14. danm Says:

    If they do bring back Jeff Bridges this movie has a chance.

    Two Cast In Tron Sequel

    Olivia Wilde and Beau Garrett are the first to sign on for the sequel to Tron, called either TR2N or Tron 2.0, depending on which Hollywood trade paper is doing the reporting.

    The sequel to the 1982 Disney movie is being directed by Joseph Kosinski, a commercial director.

    Sean Bailey is producing along with Steven Lisberger, who co-wrote and directed the original film, and Jeff Silver.

    The original centered on a programmer who is thrust into a computer and forced to fight in games he helped create.

    The new movie is acting as a “next chapter,” according to The Hollywood Reporter. Plot details are being guarded closely, but Wilde will play a worker in the virtual world who tries to help fight Master Control Program, the villainous intelligence protocol that was the nemesis in the original film. Garrett will play a siren in the virtual world.

    The male lead has not been cast, but the studio and filmmakers are screen-testing actors as it brings on other leads and supporting players.

    Tron 2.0 is eyeing a spring shoot and is shaping up as one of the studio’s most anticipated projects in years. Kosinski shot reels to test technology and showcase his vision for the film; the footage screened at Comic-Con in July and was one of the most buzzed-about films coming out of the geekfest.

    Jeff Bridges is expected to reprise his role from the original movie

    http://www.scifi.com/scifiwire/index.php?category=0&id=62933

  15. danm Says:

    Poor Lana Lang. Talk about a career killing movie.

    Street Fighter’s Kreuk, Klein Spill

    Kristin Kreuk and Chris Klein, stars of Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, told SCI FI Wire that the film remains true to the video game on which it’s based.

    Kreuk plays the title character and said Chun-Li’s origin story is drawn from the game.

    “It’s about the character Chun-Li,” she said in an interview on the red carpet for the Video Game Awards in Los Angeles over the weekend. “It’s her origin story from when she was a little girl. She loses both of her parents. Her father is taken away. She doesn’t know that, and she goes on a revenge journey and then eventually finds a teacher, a master to help her overcome her emotional attachments to getting her revenge so that she can actually see a greater good, and then go forth and fight from there.”

    For his part, Klein plays Charlie Nash, a rogue Interpol agent. “[He's] an American,” Klein said. “Chasing after the villain in our movie, Bison, played by Neal McDonough. Kristin’s character, Chun-Li, and I discover we’re after the same bad guy. So we team up a little bit, and heroic adventures ensue.”

    Klein admits to being a fan of the Street Fighter game from way back. “Capcom is coming out with a new version of the game,” he added. “Street Fighter version four for PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360, in the first part of next year. But I was Nintendo 64 Street Fighter version two, since I’m a little bit older.”

    Kreuk (Smallville) said she had to train hard to perform her character’s martial-arts moves. “We did a bunch of stuff,” she said. “A lot of wire work, a lot of kung fu and tai chi stuff. I did some swordfighting, which I don’t think is in the movie. It was awesome. We couldn’t fit it in timewise.” Kreuk added that some crew members got sick while filming and ended up in the hospital.

    Klein, similarly, trained hard. “I got to work with [an] Australian counter-terrorism unit,” he said. “And we went in, and they taught me how to shoot guns. I don’t have a lot of experience shooting an M-16 rifle or a 9 mm Beretta, so it was a lot of fun. And Charlie Nash’s weapon of choice is a 9 mm Walther P99. So I got to have some fun with that and shoot with that. And, actually, Moon Bloodgood, who plays another Interpol agent in Bangkok, Thailand, who Charlie teams up with, … we got to do that. We got to shoot guns and do some tactical training.”

  16. Mrs.X Says:

    The Knowing sounds original, I think I would see it. On the remake front anyone else hear that they are gonna remake They Live? That would be the 1980’s b movie with Rowdy Rowdy Piper. Sorry but that’s scraping the bottom of the barrel.

  17. Moma M Says:

    Need a Job, I need an IT man since
    retirement. Come see me soon!

  18. Friday Night Videos Says:

    fnv_logo_2.jpg

    HIDDEN!
    Title: “In The Year 2525 (Exordium And Terminus)”
    Artist: Zager and Evans, 1967
    HIDDEN!

  19. danm Says:

    That’s the name of the show? Are you fucking kidding me?

    Fox Eyes Werewolf “Bitches

    The Fox network is developing Bitches, a dramedy about a quartet of female friends in New York who are werewolves, from Superman Returns co-writer Michael Dougherty, according to The Hollywood Reporter.

    The TV writing duo Gretchen Berg and Aaron Harberts have come on board to supervise Dougherty. The two also will serve as executive producers alongside Dougherty if the project, described as a quirky urban fairy tale, goes to series.

    Bitches continues the werewolf theme from Dougherty’s recent horror movie Trick ‘r Treat, which doesn’t have a release date.

    Berg and Harberts recently served as co-executive producers on the ABC/WBTV series Pushing Daisies.

  20. danm Says:

    hmmm…maybe I’ll make a new show about 4 female vampires who live in New York and call it “Whores”. Oh wait, wasn’t this already done with “Sex and the City”?

  21. Mark Says:

    Urban fantasies are among the hottest new genres being written in the book world. Most them star some gritty female who is either a magic wielder or paranatural in some way.

    Most of them are pretty good…I may be in the minority but I would LOVE to see “Bitches”. What was the name of that short lived werewolf series…”Wolf Lake” I think? I liked that.

    Mark

  22. danm Says:

    un-frikkin-believable. Why? That’s my only question. WHY!!!????

    Rebellion and 2000 AD are proud to announce that Judge Dredd is coming to a cinema near you soon!

    Together with DNA Films, the movie production company behind such great sci-fi movies such as Sunshine and 28 Weeks Later, Judge Dredd will go into production in 2009.

    Jason Kingsley, CEO and Creative Director said, ‘We can’t give away too many details at this point, but we’re looking forward to working with DNA Films to bring Judge Dredd back to the big screen.’

    We’ll keep you up to date with breaking news as it happens!

    http://www.2000adonline.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=23822

  23. Mandy Says:

    …and on the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…. 5 Star Wars Millennium Falcon Sleds!!!

    http://www.ohgizmo.com/2008/12/15/ogcc-day-15-star-wars-millennium-falcon-sled/

  24. Chris Says:

    Bitches has definitely got my attention. I’d give it a shot.

    In answer to the question ‘why?’ concerning the new Judge Dredd movie, the reasons are simple: 1) Comic book movies are the hottest properties in Hollywood at the moment, and 2) Judge Dredd has a fucking HUGE international fan-base. Making this movie is a very safe bet, financially speaking. I wouldn’t be surprised of this drew some major funding as well as star power. Just because the first one wasn’t up to snuff doesn’t mean this one won’t be. If I was a Hollywood financier I’d back this movie. Unless some outrageously idiotic choices are made, it’s going to make money.

  25. danm Says:

    Really? “Bitches” has your attention? I am genuinely surprised.
    Given the stupid title and the fact that it’s being coined as “quirky urban fairy tale” leaves me with little hope.

    So…. the real answer to my question is “Hollywood is simply being a whore for the European market”. After all, the original movie cost $85 million to make and it grossed not quite $35 million in the U.S. However it took in nearly $79 million oversees.

    I’m betting we’ll see similar a similar peformance in numbers again. And that’s IF they get a major hollywood player. If they don’t, American audiences will have no reason to be interested.

  26. danm Says:

    hmmm….put an extra similar in there. please ignore :)

  27. Chris Says:

    Majel Leigh Barrett-Roddenberry
    February 23, 1932 – December 18, 2008

  28. Chris Says:

    Majel Barret completed her final recordings as the voice of the original USS Enterprise’s computer just before her death, and we will be able to hear her once again when Star Trek is released in 2009.

  29. Mark Says:

    Majel Barret was one of my favorite characters in ST:NG when she played Lawaxana Troi. That’s how I remember her best…Mark

  30. Mark Says:

    Here is a link to a fan tribute video for Majel Barret…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3WOY9SwyOs

    Mark

  31. Chris Says:

    I always remember her as Christine Chapel. And not just because she was a hell of good looking woman back then (its her legs; watch some of the old episodes and you’ll see what I mean – DAMN). I always thought it was a great idea that they had a human female be so attracted to Spock, and that his constant need to reject her affections because of his Vulcan philosophy just made her like him more. There’s something so real about that, and I thought it was a great addition to the whole of Trek lore.

    Majel Barrett was there from the beginning. Before Shatner or any of the rest we brought on board, she and Leonard Nimoy were there for the 1964 pilot episode of Star Trek, and were the only two that made it to the regular series when it went on the air two years later. In the pilot, she played “Number One,” the second in command of the starship Enterprise under Captain Christopher Pike, whom we will also see again in 2009. When Gene Roddenberry created Star Trek: The Next Generation twentysomething years later, he referred back to his original version of Star Trek for inspiration, and that’s why Captain Piccard referred to Will Riker as “Number One” during his time on the Enterprise-D.

    Mark, if it’s more Lwaxana Troi you’re looking for, be sure to check out Deep Space Nine. She showed up and caused trouble on quite a few episodes. I thought her inclusion in DS9 was especially entertaining, because it showed that the character could stand on her own and didn’t require the mother-daughter dynamic with Deanna Troi to be effective.

  32. Chris Says:

    Is it just me, or have we had to say goodbye to a lot of really great people in 2008? Gary Gygax, Stan Winston, George Carlin, Betty Page, Deep Throat, and now Majel Barrett. All people who were in on the ground floor of things that changed their respective industries. What the hell is up with this year? I wish New Years Day would hurry up and get here so no one else dies on us. Apparently 2008 loves to kill innovators.

  33. danm Says:

    I guess Father Time was in a pissy mood this year.

    Star Trek Update (and another sign the world will end soon):

    Trek’s Abrams Updates Progress

    J.J. Abrams, director of Star Trek, posted on the movie’s Facebook page that the film should be locked next week, only a few days after its original release date of Christmas. The movie’s release was bumped to May 8, 2009.

    “We’re just making final tweaks to the movie–we should be totally locked next week,” Abrams wrote on Dec. 22. “Then we’re going to flash-freeze it so it’s totally fresh for you in May. I can’t wait for you to see the movie. The cast is awesome. The action and effects pushed the stunt team and ILM beyond their limits. I’m so grateful to this cast and crew–and to all of you for your interest and patience. We’ll continue to update this page with new info and exclusives, so check back when you think of it. In the meantime, have a happy, healthy, fun holiday!”

  34. Quentin Says:

    Yeah, I think I can agree on that one:

    2008 was an exceptionally shitty year in which I said good-bye to some of the most precious and dear things in my heart.

  35. Chris Says:

    Oh my fucking god.

    Best. Boxing. Day. EVER.

    Full article to come once I get some sleep and sober up.

  36. Friday Night Videos Says:

    fnv_logo_2.jpg
    HIDDEN!
    Title: “Good King Wenceslas”
    Artist: Loreena McKennitt
    Album: A Winter Garden: Five Songs for the Season, 1995
    HIDDEN!

  37. danm Says:

    didn’t want to mess with the 12 days of Christmas:

    http://www.usatoday.com/life/l081229_transformers2/flash.htm?gid=831

  38. Tidd Says:

    Cool Picsxx

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  41. Brunmeier Says:

    Very insightful, and informative. I don’t usually make comments, as I’m kind of a blog lurker, but I thought it deserved a word or two. Thanks for sharing.

    Tre
    Get Paid to Blog

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