Indiana Jones was [AWESOME!/TOTAL CRAP.]
Instead of waiting until I've seen the movie, I've decided to pre-review it so that you can come to The Sci-Fi Guys and get generic reviews that tell you nothing whatsoever about the film, just like every other "professional" movie reviewer in the world has already written. I'll go back and have an opinion later, once I've actually seen it. You know, 'cause I gots me some integrities all up in this mutha. Click the pic to come on in and see why I thought Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull [totally rocked/sucked monkey balls.]
[Note to readers: All Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull reviewers must comment on Harrison Ford's age, whether they truly have anything to say about it or not. I've devoted two paragraphs to the subject. Enjoy.] Just a few years ago, it may have seemed unlikely that [an established and well-respected/a woefully aged] actor like Harrison Ford would once again return to an action role that he last visited almost 20 years ago. In fact, the fourth Indiana Jones movie has been [on the shelf/in development hell] gathering [steam/dust] for so long that it was doubtful that Ford would even be able to return to the role if a new film was [greenlit/risked]. But the [magic/guaranteed paycheck] of the Indiana Jones [universe/franchise] has got to be hard to resist, even for a man of Harrison Ford's [years/advanced decrepitude*].
I'm going to be straight with you: this latest Indy [thrill-a-minute adventure/formulaic rehash] is pretty much [the most awesome thing ever/more of the same old, same old]. Ford does an [amazing/almost laughable] job in the role of the world-famous, semi-modern swashbuckling adventurer and archaeology professor. I say this even after I accept that, because of his age, he is naturally going to look [a little long in the tooth/like a mummy that his younger self might have dug up]. Despite any arguments you may have regarding his ability to play the part, one thing is certain: Indiana Jones is [back!/beyond his capacity as a 65 year old man, and should be laid to rest.]
Speaking of mummies and things that should be laid to rest, please allow me to introduce the movie's main villain: Skeletor. I'm not even going to bother with the bracketed text options in this paragraph because there's no way in hell I'm going to change my opinion that no human woman should look like this. I have spent the last 30 minutes searching online to see if she has some sort of disease or parasite that would explain her appearance, but all I can find are useless fashion websites where vapid cunts endlessly praise her '50s mod haircut. Her fucking haircut. What I can't understand is how people can review her haircut and seemingly take no notice of the fact that the hair in question IS ATTACHED TO A DESSICATED ZOMBIE SKULL.
Cate Blanchett, I command you to go eat a cheeseburger. And don't chuck it up afterwards - I want you to let those nutrients and fat molecules enter your system and nourish you. You need your strength; without it, how can you ever hope to defeat He-Man and claim the secrets of Castle Grayskull? Seriously, babe, if you want to rule Eternia with an iron fist, you're gonna need some protein. Just sayin'.
[Note to readers: the following paragraph is the part of the article where I fulfill my legal obligation as outlined in the Mandatory Hollywood Visual Effects Examination And Commendation Act of 1995 to review the special effects of any and all action sequences and applaud them whether or not they actually looked good, made any sense, helped to drive the story along, or were in any way appropriate to the film in question. All "professional" reviews have a section like this, despite the fact that good CGI visuals in movies are now the standard and are no longer anything to get excited about. As I am not a dangerous maverick outlaw movie reviewer who brazenly flaunts the conventions of polite society, thank you very much, I will now mindlessly heap needless congratulations upon Industrial Light & Magic. Praise God, and God bless The United States of America.]
The special effects, as we have come to expect from George Lucas's ILM, were absolutely [flawless/spectacular/stunning]. It will come as no surprise that the man who [brought/showed] us [insert requisite ass-kissing Star Wars reference here] could recreate the mystery and excitement of the untamed Peruvian jungle so vividly. If George Lucas were here right now I'd use my tongue to thoroughly scrub every square inch of his colon, that's how good those effects were. This movie was so visually perfect it was almost as if I was staring directly into the face of God and he was looking back at me, saying "Hark, sinner! Thou hath been rocked by the divine awesomeness of The Lord thy God! Repent upon thy knees and sing praises to I who is called Lucas Christ!" Almost like that… but way better. Seriously, this CGI is worth more than your life. You should kill yourself right after you see it because your existence is all downhill from there. You've peaked. You should honestly just shoot yourself in the mouth with a shotgun as soon as the theatre lights come up; that's my best and only advice.
In conclusion, Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull was hands down the most [outrageous, wild, and engrossing/disappointing, lifeless, lackluster] movie ever made. I never would have believed it was possible that the [cinematic dream team/pathetic geriatric has-beens] that are Ford, Speilberg, and Lucas could have [pulled this off/fucked up so badly], but I'm here to tell you that they DID. I give Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull [1-10] out of 10. Go see it right now [for the time of your life/if you hate your eyes and want a good reason to poke them out].
[Peace out/Go fuck yourselves] until next time,
Chris
*- Oblique reference to another Harrison Ford sci-fi movie, complete with a wording error indicating that the reviewer has a passing familiarity with Ford's films, but has not bothered to verify the accuracy of the quote to ensure that he/she made the reference correctly, thereby negating the very appearance of expertise he/she was hoping to convey. Bonus points!
May 23rd, 2008 at 10:03 am
HIDDEN!
Artist: Sigue Sigue Sputnik
Album: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off - Music From The Motion Picture, 1986
HIDDEN!
May 23rd, 2008 at 3:29 pm
May 23rd, 2008 at 6:26 pm
I REALLY like the idea of Captain America being a WWII flick. That could kick voluminous ass.
May 23rd, 2008 at 11:23 pm
Just saw the new Indiana Jones flick. MAJOR DISSAPPOINTMENT.
I had zero expectations for this movie and I was still let down.
I’ll elaborate furthur later. Right now my tired ass is going to bed.
May 24th, 2008 at 7:38 am
Two things:
First, the term ‘kicks voluminous ass” is awesome and should be tattooed on someone.
Second, the fact I have yet to read a good review of the new Indy movie gives me hope that the movie is really good - when it comes to movies, the vocal minority on der IntarWebs is usually the best barometer of a films entertainment value, especially when it’s a highly anticipated flick.
May 27th, 2008 at 7:26 am
May 27th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Okay, I’ve read all the HP books, a couple times each, and I had to look up the character “Marcus Belby”. He is a background character in the sixth book - he is a kid at a party. This is not a “Harry Potter Star”.
It would be like calling the actor who played the Rancor’s Keeper in RoTJ a “Star Wars Star”.
Jumping off of my high-horse now.
(Just kidding - I’ll never jump off this fuckin’ horse.)
May 28th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
I wanted to take a trip to London in the next year or so, but from what I’ve read in The Times in the past couple of months they have been having a real problem with teenagers just going around attacking people. I believe the term they use for them is yoobs.
On another note my brother went to see Indiana Jones and said it was absolutely terrible. In fact he disliked it so much he mentioned that it might put him off watching any of the other movies for a while.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Hey, guys, we’re having a little problem with comments being held for moderation. It appears to me to be happening for no good reason at all. I had to manually approve Mrs. X’s comment, and rebuild Mark’s from scratch after it wouldn’t approve. I don’t know what the hell’s going on, but it may have something to do with the fact that I got home really late last night and I might have fed my mogwai just a wee smidge too late. But, I mean, 12:00:04 is close enough, don’t you think? It’s just four seconds. That wouldn’t really hurt anything, right? Right?
If you see any unusual behavior, please, please, PLEASE let me know here:
May 28th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
London was okay when I went, I just can’t imagine wanting to spend too much vacation time there. It was fantabulous, don’t get me wrong, but the thrill wears off after a couple of days. London seems to me to be more of a slow burn kind of town, more like someplace I’d go to live rather than just visit. I don’t think its possible to really appreciate London in the short term. Nice people, though. Disgusting sausages, but really nice people.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Check this out. It will be mine. OH YES. It will be mine.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Sorry about the delay on getting my Indy review posted, folks. There’s been a virtual parade of retards here at the office today and I’ve had little time to write. I’ll post it soon, I promise.
June 2nd, 2008 at 4:51 pm
This is probably one of the funniest things I have seen on YouTube in quite some time (as I am huge Tron fan). When I listened to it I knew it had to be on the Sci-Fi Guys site.
Peace,
Frog Boy
June 2nd, 2008 at 6:02 pm
“I am Tron Guy. I am IMMORTAL.”
June 2nd, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Ellas Otha "Bo Diddley" Bates
December 30, 1928 – June 2, 2008
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:09 pm
I only saw bits and pieces of the original Death Race movie but this sounds like it will be awesome:
June 4th, 2008 at 9:38 am
When Frog Boy and I were kids we were into different toys. I was a Transformers nut, he was into MASK. He had a million M.U.S.C.L.E. figures, I had a bunch of Centurions. There were some occasional crossovers, usually in the form of G.I. Joe and Masters Of The Universe (both of which were well established territories of his), but basically we both stayed within our toy kingdoms and did not invade each other’s realms.
Its for that reason that I can’t remember the name of a specific toy line that he had quite a few vehicles from. They were just like the ones in the pic up top; normal, non-military cars and trucks which had been Mad Max-ed with guns and armor and window slits. The toys were very cool, but I never got too into them and I don’t remember what they were called. He still has them in my parents’ attic, at least he did as of a couple of years ago. They’re still in perfect condition; I think some of them still have the original packaging. I just can’t remember what they were called.
Anybody out there have any ideas?
June 4th, 2008 at 10:21 am
I know exactly what you are talking about but I can’t remember what the name is - this is going to make me crazy.
The next time I am visiting Mama and Papa Sci-Fi I will have to go in the attic and check it out.
If I can remember before then I will post the name.
Peace,
Frog Boy
June 4th, 2008 at 11:33 am
FOUND IT!
Steel Monsters, baby! From Tonka, produced from 1986-87. Basically a Mad Max rip-off, but they were the same scale as G.I. Joe figures so they made perfect vehicles for the Dreadnoks. Hell, the figures themselves could make decent Dreadnoks if you can ignore the fact that they have basically no articulation. No joints at the elbows or knees, and they shoulders and legs only swing in one direction. No pivot joints like the Joes had. But who cares? All you need is someone convenient for Sgt. Slaughter and his Marauders to shoot at. No knees required for that.
I remember ‘Enforcer’, this monster truck/Jeep hybrid, from Frog Boy’s collection. It dwarfed most of the G.I. Joe vehicles I owned and, as a Tonka toy, contained a lot more steel than any Joe vehicle ever did. Click the pic for more info and more toys. Also click the pic below for an article everyone on the internet says is great, but that is blocked from me while I’m here at work. Poor, poor pitiful me.
June 5th, 2008 at 9:29 am
Here’s some awesome Dramatic Prairie Dog action:
Kill Bill remix
Peace,
Frog Boy
June 5th, 2008 at 10:06 am
That is awesome. How have I not seen this yet?
Bond Remix
“I am your father.”
Titanic (CHRIS’S FAVORITE!)
Curses!
The Ring
Dr. Evil
The Dark Side
Thriller
June 5th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Good stuff:
June 6th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
OMFG D00D! h4xx0r5 r n uЯ chillunz mindz pwn’n there 8ranez w/ !337!
This is an awesome example of why I never watch the news. The only thing more stupid than speaking leet is being afraid of it. They’re fucking typeable computer characters, people. Jesus… wait, did I say “Jesus”? Sorry, I meant to say OMGWTFRFLMAOBBQ!!!!!1!1!!!{`+{`+{`$#+%{&#”).
June 6th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads!!!!